Autumn Roasted Veggie Soup: PCOS Friendly

I'm this close [ ] to being ready for fall. I am, however, fully ready for all things pumpkin. So when I saw this recipe for a savory pumpkin and veggie bisque, I was ready to try it. I almost never follow a recipe exactly though, especially for soup, so mine looked quite a bit different (and still PCOS friendly), and I thought I'd share!

Autumn Roasted Veggie Soup



Ingredients:

• 4-5 organic carrots, peeled and chopped (mine were pretty skinny)
• 2 sweet potatoes, peeled and chopped (Okay, here's the truth: One of the "sweet potatoes" that I grabbed was not a sweet potato. It may have been a white sweet potato, but I'm not entirely sure. It had the same look and texture inside and out of a regular sweet potato, but it was white instead. I didn't realize this until I got it home and sliced into it, but it tasted yummy)
• 1/2 a Vidalia onion, peeled and chopped
• 3 small cloves of garlic, peeled
• 1 can of pureed pumpkin
• 2 cups of organic vegetable broth
• 2 cups of water
• Extra virgin olive oil
• 1/2 tsp. salt
• approx. 2 tsp. cinnamon
• approx. 1 tbsp curry powder
• approx. 1/4 tsp. grated ginger (I buy fresh and keep it in the freezer)
• approx. 1/8 tsp. grated nutmeg
• 1 tbsp. raw honey (Note: This is not recommended for pregnant women, but I 1.) wasn't worried because it was being cooked and 2.) like to break the rules.)
• 1/4 c. organic whole milk (if, like some women with PCOS, you choose not to eat dairy, you could use coconut milk instead)
• sour cream or Greek yogurt for garnish.

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 400 F.

2. Drizzle olive oil on pan. Place carrots, sweet potatoes, onion, and garlic on pan. Top with another drizzle of olive oil and sprinkle with salt.

Veggies before roasting

3. Roast vegetables for 20-25 minutes, checking and stirring midway.

4. Fill medium pot with vegetable broth, water, and pureed pumpkin and place on stove on low heat.

5. Remove roasted vegetables from oven and add to broth. Add spices (I put the approx. amounts I used, but season to taste), salt, and honey and cook on low-med. heat, uncovered for 15-20 min.

Veggies after roasting

6. Remove from heat. Using a stick blender (you could also use a regular blender), blend soup to desired consistency. Add milk, stirring to blend.

7. Serve with a dollop of Greek yogurt or sour cream as garnish.

What You Want to Know about Our IVF Experience (But Were Afraid to Ask)

Over the past several months I've had a few people ask some good questions about what IVF means and how it works for us. Most of these people were people we are close with, so they were able to ask us things that other's might not. Others were people who are considering fertility treatments themselves. I thought I'd take the time to answer some of those questions and give people the opportunity to ask others without worrying about offending us or making us uncomfortable.

How much did it cost?
In total, the whole shebang cost us approximately $14,000. We didn't h
ave to pay that all at once though. The package our fertility specialist provided for one round of IVF (you can actually pay for two or three rounds at once at a discounted price, but if you get pregnant the first time; you've paid for three and only used one) cost about $9,500. That was with a discount because I'm a full time teacher. We had to pay all of that up front. There were some thing that were not included in that original price including the mock embryo transfer and a few of the ultrasounds. Our insurance covered little to none of the meds I needed, so they cost over $1000 total. After our eggs were fertilized, we also had to pay a storage fee for each of the four remaining embryos. Those are the major costs I can think of right now.

How did you come up with the money for it?
People pay for fertility treatments in different ways because very few insurance companies provided much coverage for what are considered "unnecessary" procedures. I know of some people who saved for years and others who started gofundme.com or similar accounts and asked other people to help them out. We actually ended up withdrawing most of the money needed up front from Steve's 401k. We were able to do this without penalty because his 401k allowed for a certain amount of withdraw from medical procedures not covered by insurance. The rest we paid out of pocket as the bills came up.

Did you use a sperm or egg donor?
This questions surprised me and was actually what inspired me to write this post. I didn't realize that people would wonder about that. Because our infertility issues centered mainly around that fact that I don't ovulate like a normal person (I have plenty of eggs, they just don't get released), we had no need to use either donor eggs or donor sperm. In other words, biologically, Cai is fully Querns/Templeton.

Is your pregnancy considered high risk?
No. Once the doctor heard the heart beat, our pregnancy was considered completely normal. If both embryos had implanted, having twins would have placed me as high risk, but because this is a singleton pregnancy, we are totally normal now.

What will you do with the remaining embryos?
This was a huge concern for me. I had read about women who had far more eggs harvested than we did, and I was afraid we'd end up with more embryos than we could conceivably use in a lifetime. Because Steve and I believe that life begins when sperm and egg meet, this would have presented some major ethical dilemmas for us as we would consider discarding those embryos as abortion. Thankfully, only nine eggs were harvested; eight successfully developed into embryos; two were used in this, our first attempt at IVF; one implanted and resulted in this pregnancy; four are frozen for our future use. The hope is that all four of those embryos will survive the thawing process in the future and result in two more pregnancies with one or two babies each.

Does that mean you won't try to get pregnant naturally?
Some people say that getting pregnant helps to correct fertility issues caused by PCOS. As much as I would love for this to be true, we have decided that we will be using some form of birth control (probably something on the more natural side) to prevent that from happening because we basically have four more babies already in existence. This doesn't mean it won't happen, but that would be totally God's doing and not ours.

Other than discarding the embryos or using them, what else could you do with them?
We could offer our frozen embryos up for adoption to a family who cannot conceive on their own. This is something we have talked about, but unless God would put a specific situation in our paths and on our hearts, we do not feel it is something we want to do. These are our babies.

What fertility doctor did you use and would your recommend him?
We went with Dr. Peters in Asbury, NJ (he also has a Bethlehem, PA office) who is a part of Sher Fertility, a respected fertility chain (look them up at www.haveababy.com). We chose him originally because his new office is on the floor above my dad's office. My dad is building inspector and actually did some of the inspection on Dr. Peters's new office; he was very impressed with the doctor and told him about us and us about him. We decided to make an appointment and were impressed with both him and all of his staff. A frustration we had with the other reproductive endocrinologist we had tried years ago was the office and nursing staff (we liked the doctor herself), so this was a big deal to me in particular. We also liked the way Dr. Peters explained everything to us in an understandable way. He was forthright about our issues and options and encouraging about what he recommended we do. I would not only recommend Dr. Peters himself, but also Sher fertility as whole. They have several offices throughout the country, and I am impressed with their results and their attitude (seen through what they and their patients post on their Facebook page).

Do you expect any problems in or after your pregnancy due to PCOS?
I've read about different things that PCOS and other aspects of my hormone imbalance could cause, but haven't had any major problems because of them yet. I did have anti-thyroid antibodies that put me at a slightly elevated risk of early miscarriage, but obviously that didn't happen (I plan to go to an endocrinologist after the baby is born because I'm sure I have thyroid issues). I could have issues with breastfeeding like low milk supply or really high milk supply. I may be more likely to deliver a little early rather than go past my due date. I am more likely to gain excess weigh (which is why I've made such a big deal about the relatively low amount I've gained so far) and to have gestational diabetes (which is why I'm nervous about my glucose test). I also may struggle more with losing the baby weight afterward.

I know there are more questions out there, but I can't think of them at the moment. If you have any you would like to add, either because you just want to know, you've been through it already and have been asked those questions, or you're thinking about doing IVF yourself, please feel free to  The whole point of the infertility aspect of this blog is to help others going through it, so please don't worry about asking an awkward question.

Smoothie Saturday: Raspberry Apple Ginger

Ooh, this smoothie was one of my favorites so far!

 Ingredients:

• 1 Organic Pinata apple (or any apple, but I fell in love with this kind this week)
• 1 c. organic frozen raspberries
• A few small pieces of frozen avocado for creaminess
• 1/2 c. water
• Spinach (I didn't use much this time because I didn't have much left)
• Grated frozen ginger

Again, I put it all in the mixing cup and blended with the stick blender. Because of the raspberry seeds and because the apple was fresh, this wasn't quite as smooth as the smoothies I normally make, but the flavor was incredible!

The combination of the sweetness and tartness from the apple and the spiciness of the ginger made this super refreshing!

This smoothie also made just enough for me this time. Katie wasn't home, so I didn't make enough for her.

This is the apple I used. I found them at Wegmans this week. They are a large and beautiful variety from Washington called Pinata (I don't know how to make an ~ on blogger). They are tart and sweet with a hint of tropical flavor.

The sweetness of the apple allowed me to forgo any added sweeteners this time; no honey or sucanat. That's a win in my book!

What are your favorite smoothie in add ins?

The Financial Stress of IVF

There's no point in sugar coating this. IVF is expensive. And if you're like us, and your insurance doesn't provide any coverage for the procedure, it is monumentally expensive. At a time when you are trying to stay relaxed, being stressed about money can be overwhelming.

Yesterday, I hit overwhelmed.

Our overall cost for IVF, not including medications and whatever insurance does not cover in regards to blood work, is over $9,000. This is after an over $1000 discount from our clinic because I am a full time teacher.

We decided to cover that cost by pulling most of it out of our 401K which allowed for the use of a set amount for "non-insurance covered medical expenses." We had to send in paperwork describing the procedures and the total cost and have it signed by the doctor's office. This was faxed to the financial institution along with a pile of paperwork my husband had to fill out.

And it was denied....

...The first time. Apparently we included too much detail. Luckily, the office manager at our fertility clinic is wonderful, and she sat with us and typed out a letter that included just the very basics, the overall cost, the due date for the fees (technically past due at that point), the doctor's signature, and our information.

This time it was approved and a check arrived in the mail this week. Unfortunately, only half of the deposit has cleared in time for when our payment is due, so we will have to do some finagling to make sure that we can pay the whole thing at once.

In addition to that, I need to order my next set of meds. My first set-- the lupron, dexamethasone, and syringes-- came to about $130 total. Insurance covered $ .85 of that cost. Yes, that's correct; less than a dollar (I laughed when I read that on the receipt. My mother got angry when I told her). The birth control I was on also cost us another $50 after insurance coverage.

Unfortunately, I have no idea how much my next two meds, Gonal-F and menopur, will cost. I think they will total to almost $2500. Due today.
---Edit: After writing this, I found out that we were not approved for a discount we applied for, but because of this and our lack of insurance coverage, the nurse switched me from Gonal-F to follistim, a cheaper med, bringing our total just under $2000. Phew! God is good.---

Paying for IVF is stressful. With the Lord's help, we are going to be able to make it work, but I am overwhelmed. And that's normal. Which is the point of this post.

It is normal to feel overwhelmed by the cost of this undertaking.
It is normal to feel frustrated that you have to spend thousands of dollars to get pregnant, when other people can do it "accidentally."
It is normal to be angry about insurance not helping with the cost.
It is normal to feel like you have no control over the whole situation.


Which reminds me, I had a dream last night that I did not need a psychiatrist to be able to interpret (I've been watching a lot of Frasier lately :o)). I dreamed that I was driving a car, but because of salt on my windshield and darkness, etc., I couldn't see the road. I tried to stop and crashed the car into a small tree, waking my passengers, Steve and my sister Katie. Steve couldn't understand why I was having a hard time seeing when he could see so clearly.

My interpretation? I'm feeling like I have no control over what happens next and no way to see what comes next. I especially feel like I have no control over our finances which stresses me out. Steve, on the other hand, sees money as "just money." We should use it wisely, but it is just an earthly thing, so why stress over it?

Clearly, Steve has a healthier way of looking at it, and I'm so thankful that at least one of us can stay level-headed. Last night, Steve knew that I needed to get out of the house in order to kind of walk away from some of that stress and panic. We tried to get milkshakes at a local pizza place, but they were out of ice cream, so we ended up getting a burger and a cheese steak at a place called Petey's Eateys. It's the little things that count.

IVF Update: Cycle Day 5

Today marks day 5 of my IVF cycle.

That means today is ...

...Day 13 of 13 days on birth control. I'm glad this is over. I can feel myself being a little bit over emotional from this. I have never done well on birth control (I was on it years ago in an attempt to control PCOS symptoms).

...Day 5 of 5 on 10 units of Lupron. I am so proud of how well I'm doing giving myself shots in the morning. I almost look forward to it because it marks progress, and it doesn't hurt. I'm giving myself these in my belly because it's more fleshy than my thighs, and so far it's super easy. Tomorrow I lower my dose to 5 units and continue on that for the rest of the cycle.

...Day 5 of ? on dexamethasone. I'm noticing that this makes me a little hungry, but so far, I'm still ten pounds down since Christmas (yay!), so as long as I continue to be careful, I should be okay.

...four days until my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork. This is how the doctor will monitor my response to the meds and my hormone levels.

...one week until I being the follicle stimulating meds. This will mean adding two more shots to my daily routine. These I will do in the evening, so that if there is a change in dosage instructions based on blood work results, the office can notify me before I do my injections.

...one day since our request to withdraw money from our 401k was approved. I did a little happy dance around the house when the check arrived yesterday.

It's so funny the way time is moving right now. When I think of (approximately) how many days are left until the transfer it seems like forever. When I think of how many days until we need to pay for the rest of my meds, it doesn't seem like very much. When I think of how many days until the end of the school year, it seems like no time at all (despite all of the snow days). When I think of how many days until we find out if we're pregnant, it seems like a lifetime. Not that I don't have experience with waiting. I can handle it, it's just a strange feeling when time seems to be going so slowly and so quickly all at the same time.

Smoothie Saturday: Mango Spinach

Mango Smoothies are my favorite, but I made this one a little differently this time.

Ingredients:

Organic frozen mango (a little over 2 cups)

Organic coconut oil (about 1/2 tbsp)

Organic spinach (a small handful)

Organic coconut water (amount depends on the consistency you want)

Raw local honey-not pictured (about 1/2 tbsp)

Frozen ginger grated, to taste

Ground cinnamon, to taste

Like I said before, I use a stick blender, so I layer my ingredients in the mixing cup.

 As I mentioned above, I made this a little differently this time. I didn't use yogurt, which I usually use (I was out). This time I used coconut oil instead. Coconut oil is supposed to help with digestive health, and since I was still dealing with some gurgles from my stomach bug when I made this, I thought it would be a good addition.  Actually, both coconut oil and raw honey are supposed to be anti-microbial, anti-fungal, and anti-bacterial.  I always put ginger in my coconut smoothie, but I thought that could help with my tummy troubles too. The spinach was for the folic acid.

My only complaint with this smoothie was that it was a little salty. I'm pretty sure that was because of the coconut water, which I've just recently started using in my smoothies. In the future I won't use so much. This recipe made two smoothies, and I shared with my sister. She didn't think it was salty at all, so it might have just been me.

 Other than while I was sick, I think I've been doing a pretty good job eating healthy breakfasts lately. This week I rotated between smoothies, Greek yogurt, oatmeal, and scrambled eggs.

What does your healthy breakfast consist of? Any good ideas for me?

No 'Poo Days 7-12

Read about the first six days and why I made the switch here.

Day 7- Today officially marks a week of not using shampoo and conditioner, and today my hair feels and looks it's cleanest and softest yet. Today I added more baking soda to my mixture and washed twice with it and rinsed twice with the vinegar mixture (I had a snow day, so I was able to take a nice long shower). I'm not sure if that's what made the difference, or if my hair is just beginning to adjust.

Day 8-11- I'm grouping all of these days together because a) I wasn't diligent about writing those days and b) all four of those days were about the same. It think my hair is almost through the adjustment phase. When I let it dry naturally and wear it curly, it does not look greasy at all. It has generally been soft and the curls bouncy. I've been combing it out at night which ruins the curls (they are ruined when I sleep anyway, so who cares?), but I read somewhere that this important in order to help the natural oils protect your hair and to literally comb out some of the day's "dirt." After I comb it out, I can run my fingers through it with no fear of creating frizzy curls and can see that it feels clean, and looks, in my opinion, less greasy than it normally used to at the end of the day.

Day 11-- another lousy picture, but you get the idea.
It's clean and curly.

Steve did notice a bit of a vinegar smell in my hair the other night. I'm thinking about fighting that in a few different ways. I might try putting a drop of essential oil in the vinegar mixture, and I plan to switch to apple cider vinegar which is what most no 'poo-ers use. I was out and just haven't bought more yet. I'm not sure if that will make a difference, but I'm hoping it will.

Day 12- I used only the baking soda wash today and I was completely happy with the cleanliness of my hair. I plan to try to straighten it on Friday.

I also wanted to mention that the biggest difference I've seen is the lack of dandruff. I have major problems with dandruff. I mean (and you won't believe how embarrassing this is for me to actually type out) I get chunks of flaking scalp that sometimes scab. This is actually another wonderful symptom of the PCOS. That and hair loss. Yippee! (I watched some old home movies with my family the other day and my hair when I was sixteen was twice as thick as it is now). Anyway, the point is, the dandruff issues are little to none now. This alone is enough to convince me to keep going with the no 'poo.

How about you? Has anybody else tried this? Am I tempting you to make the switch or totally turning you off toward it?

My "No 'Poo" Experience Begins

In my last post, I mentioned that there are several new things I'm trying, and they don't all relate to food. This is the thing that most you will think I'm nuts for trying.

Source

I'm going no 'poo.

What is "no 'poo"?
It's the funny little abbreviation for not using shampoo and conditioner. The term "no 'poo" most specifically refers to replacing your shampoo with a baking soda and water solution and replacing your conditioner with a vinegar and water rinse.

Why am I doing this? 
Actually there are multiple reasons.

• Originally, I was inspired by this post  about the "Curly Girl" method. I made the switch about a year ago to a sulfate free shampoo because it is not only better for everyone's hair (sulfates strip the natural oils from your hair), but specifically better for curly and wavy hair types. It was pretty much a choice inspired by vanity; I wanted my curls to look better.
• More recently, my desire to get away from shampoo altogether is prompted by my hormonal issues and PCOS. Different chemicals can further mess with the delicate balance of hormones and removing these chemicals can help to restore that balance.
• It's cheaper. Baking soda and vinegar cost pennies compared to the L'Oreal Everpure (a readily available sulfate free shampoo) I was using. 
• Ultimately, going no 'poo will restore your bodies natural balance of hormones giving you healthier hair, a healthier scalp (I have problems with mine), and allowing you to wash your hair less often. Because regular shampoo strips your hair of its natural oils, your hair overcompensates giving you oily hair and causing you to need to shampoo more often. The idea of being caught in this vicious cycle irritates me.

How do you do it?

I googled no' poo recipes and came up with a variety of options. The most basic are the baking soda and vinegar solutions, but there is no exact science to those. The amount and frequency of baking soda and vinegar are dependent on how your hair responds to it. Below are links to some of my sources.

             Misty Moncur: No 'Poo recipes (this one has the most variety)

             Whole Sweet Home

             Simple Mom

Keep in mind...

• There is a transition period as your hair adjusts. Most people say up to two weeks, but I've also heard up to a month. I'm hoping that because I've already been using a sulfate free shampoo, my transition time won't be as long. So far (see below) it's been manageable. 
• It's not going to feel like using shampoo. There is no lather. No foamy scrubbing. This is actually better for curls specifically because you're not damaging your hair with that rough rubbing.
• There are alternative ways to go no 'poo or low 'poo including specialty shampoos and natural shampoos. In fact, the creator of the Curly Girl method mentioned above helped to create something call Deva Curl which is a hair care system designed around curly hair. Wen is also a low 'poo alternative. As cost was one of my motives, I didn't spend much time looking into these.

How's it going so far?

Below is my no 'poo journal. I plan to try to update as I continue on. 

Day 1: Used a baking soda and water solution, squirted on hair, rubbed it in a little bit, and rinsed it out. Let hair dry naturally. Curls were bouncy and full. Hair did not feel greasy.

Day 2: Used the same baking soda and water solution. This time I let it sit in my hair for a few minutes. I also made a vinegar and water solution (I used red wine vinegar because I was out of apple cider vinegar) and poured that on my hair then rinsed it out. Hair felt clean coming out of the shower. I decided to blow dry and straighten and it felt and looked a little greasy. I tried sprinkling some dry baking soda in it and running my fingers through it. That not only got rid of the greasy look, but also the greasy feel. Hair had great body.

Day 3: Used the baking soda and water solution. I didn't like the way my hair felt after I rinsed it out. It was difficult to run my fingers through it, and I really wanted conditioner. I think the vinegar rinse might have helped with that, but I didn't have time to make up a cup because I was running late. I let my hair air dry and it didn't feel as nice or curl as nicely as it did on day 1.

How about you? Have any of you tried this? If so, how was your experience?

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

I have a feeling that after reading the next few blog posts I plan to make, half of you (of the eight people who actually read this) will think I've gone crazy and the other half are either already doing these things or will want to start.

I've decided to make some major changes in my life, mainly regarding the way I treat my body. Part of it relates back to me resolutions, but it's more than that. After years of reading that the most successful way to combat poly-cystic ovary syndrome is to drastically change your diet, I've finally decided to actually do that. Of course, I had to try all the other alternatives first (going on birth control, herbal supplements, metformin, Clomid) before I was willing to make those changes. I'm not making them all at once, but I'm starting.

A great deal of my inspiration has come from the following places, in case anybody would like to check out my sources...
Modern Alternative Pregnancy

• Getting pregnant with PCOS
• Natural detox
• Reasons for detoxing before getting pregnant

Keeper of the Home

• Easy real food changes
• Eating for fertility
• 7 foods to avoid
• What is real food?
• Organic on a budget

So this has been my starting place, and I'm trying to slowly cut things out of my diet (our diets hopefully, though I've gotten some push back from my wonderful amazing husband).

So far, I have

•  Stopped buying white flour and have started using King Arthur white whole wheat and regular whole wheat.
• Started to make my own bread. I even tried making my own crackers which were yummy but time consuming.
• Started buying raw dairy from a local dairy farm, Klein Farms. I recently bought milk, yogurt, cheddar and mozarella cheese, as well as fresh eggs (which aren't dairy, but you get the point).
• Stopped buying white and brown (processed) sugar. Right now I'm trying out Sucanat (contraction for sugar cane natural) which is evaporated cane juice. I'd also like to try coconut sugar and raspadura. I was already using raw honey sometimes, but I'm out of it right now and forgot to buy it the last time I was out. 
• Made it a point to buy organic when it comes to "the dirty dozen."

I have not noticed any physical changes yet because this is just the beginning, but mentally I'm excited. The food I've been making tastes just as good or better than what I was making before, and that's exciting. 

I plan to update when I see changes and share some experiences as I try new things! 

Venting

I am in the mood to make a selfish post.

I am extremely emotional, irritable, and anxious at the moment. I'm pretty sure it's from the Clomid, but that doesn't make it any less of a problem.

I am struggling with jealousy at the moment. Jealousy at every Facebook picture of a baby, every post from mothers being thankful for their children, every time I hear about someone new who is pregnant. I'm even jealous of every post complaining about being tired, or about babies who don't sleep, toddlers who are disobedient, and children who are sick. I'm jealous of every pregnant woman complaining that she doesn't want to be pregnant anymore, that she feels huge, that her back aches and her ankles are swollen. I want it. I want it all. I want every pain, every tear, every complaint, along with every joy, every hug, every snuggle.

And I'm not saying this because I want to make people feel guilty about complaining or because I want people to be more sensitive or less full of joy. I just want to share how it feels. And it sucks.

I am so tired of the ups and downs. I thought it was bad before, but it's even worse on the Clomid. That first month, I was sure I was going to get pregnant. I just knew it. I charted my temperature, used ovulation tests, and we did everything else right. And I just knew that it was going to happen. And it didn't. And now I'm on the the third round, and I'm tired of being hopeful, and I'm just tired, and I'm afraid of this all being a waste of time, and I'm afraid of giving up, and I'm afraid of jumping into adoption because that's it's own kind of scary, and I'm afraid of that failing again too.

Again, I'm not even really asking for a response here. I just need to vent and explain what it's like. And it sucks. It's so terrible. I just need people to know that.

And please pray for me. And for us as a couple because obviously I'm not in this alone, and even though I'm the one who is on the medicine, I'm not the only one who has to deal with the side effects. Ha, poor Steve.

Thanks.

A Whole New World

*Note- I'm sorry my blog has been so "infertility heavy" lately. I promise that I will post some crafty things soon. It's just that this is what occupies my mind most of the time. And I can't find the charger for my camera and the one on my phone has stopped working, so crafty posts would be picture-less which is pointless.*

Recently I've joined a "Trying to Conceive" forum and stumbled across others while doing research on what to expect from the Clomid (which I start today). It's been fascinating for many reasons.
First of all, everybody has the same questions and does their best to answer the questions of others based on their own experiences.
Second, some people who are trying to conceive really have NO IDEA how the female body works. AT ALL.
Third, everybody is so encouraging and supportive of one another. Well, not everybody; I have read some comments made by some abrasive people, but they were very old.
Fourth, and the most fascinating, is the special language and abbreviations that are used. And not just on one forum, but across the board. For example.

AF= Aunt Flo
DH= Dear Husband
DPO- Days Post Ovulation
OPK- Ovulation Predictor Kit
TTC- Trying to Conceive
LTTTC- Long Term Trying to Conceive
BD- doing the Baby Dance
BFP- Big Fat Positive
BFN- Big Fat Negative

It's really funny and really cool.


Anyway, if you think of it, pray for me this week as I start the Clomid!

When the Going Gets Tough...

Sometimes all of this infertility stuff gets so overwhelming I feel like I am going to have a panic attack. Today is one of those days.

Progress

Yesterday I had an obgyn appointment and came home with a prescription for Clomid! I'm so excited. For those of you who have no idea what that is, Clomid is a medication that works with your body's natural cycle and encourages your body to ovulate, something my body is not doing on its own. The combination of this and the metformin should greatly increase my ability to get pregnant. Because it works with my body's cycle, I have to start it on a certain day, so I won't even start it until the beginning of September. 

I'm quite excited though. My doctor was really encouraging (this is the first time I've actually seen the one of the doctors at this practice; previously I had only seen one of the PAs). She was also really down-to-earth and easy to talk to. 

Continued prayers would be appreciated, for both Steve and me, and whatever family God has in store for us.

The Worst Part

The worst part about the way PCOS treats my body is that every month, my cycle is ridiculously long, so every month, I wonder if it's because I'm pregnant, and every month, I have to live as if I am until I get my period. Which means every month, every single month, I get my hopes up, and, eventually, have them dashed. Every month.

The worst part.

Grief

It has been a long time since the last time I posted. I have intended to post, but every time I either felt that I had too much to say, or wasn't sure that I wanted someone to read what I had to say. Today though, I have so much on my mind, I have to share it. Also, I spent some time today searching for Christian encouragement for people dealing with infertility, and it reminded me that I'm doing this not just for myself, but also so that others going through it won't feel so alone.

Today I came into school with puffy and swollen red eyes. Granted, my eyes were already a little swollen and red from my allergies (die, ragweed, die!), but today it's from crying. And every time the puffiness starts to go away, I start to cry again.

The last post I made was about D-Chiro-Inositol. I stayed on it for a month, but didn't have the funds to purchase it again for another few months. I am back on it now. Because I'm back on it, when I felt what I thought was ovulation pain this month, just over two weeks after the beginning of my cycle, I was sure that there was a chance of getting pregnant this month. I got even more excited when, exactly a week after that, I began to experience some breast tenderness. That never happens to me except years ago when I was on the pill.  So that along with some other symptoms (bleeding gums, fatigue, lightheadedness, cramping)  had me convinced that I was actually pregnant. I mean, I was looking at nursery ideas, planning how to tell people, and everything. In addition to that a few people told me they thought I was pregnant also. I took a test on Saturday morning and thought I saw a faint positive. I took another one on Sunday and did not see anything at all. Still, I just felt pregnant, most of the time.

I called my obgyn and she scheduled me for blood work which I had done on Wednesday morning. Between Wednesday and Thursday afternoon, I prayed. And asked others to pray. And pray. I was convinced of a positive result. I prayed and told God that I was going to let go of all of that "Safety Doubt" I keep around to protect my heart, and allow myself to fully believe trusting that if I wasn't pregnant, he would give me the comfort I needed to get through the news.

I called the doctor again yesterday, to see if the results had come in, and left a message. I waited until the end of the day because I knew, good or bad news, I would have a hard time keeping it to myself. On my way home from work the call came. I am not pregnant. Not bursting into tears at those words was difficult, but I managed to schedule an appointment for my yearly before hanging up and sobbing. I still tried to hold it mostly together; I didn't want Steve to feel horrible when he saw me and driving through tears is not always a safe thing to do. That was kind of pointless though because when I saw Steve, I burst into tears, sobbing tears, which I quelled by shoving my face into his armpit (he was laying on the couch).

It's so strange because despite the fact that I now know that I'm not pregnant. I'm still noticing things that feel like symptoms. Or, I'm still thinking things like Well, maybe all of those symptoms were signs of ovulating, just late, and I could still be pregnant by the end of this month. Because, of course, I still haven't actually gotten my period yet and today is day thirty-six.

I know God has a reason for making me wait, and I know He has my best planned for me. And I know that God's best for me does not necessarily mean wonderful things, but rather what will make me keep developing in the women He wants me to be. But I keep speculating. What if God is making me wait because we're going to have financial struggles soon? What if he's making me wait because my child will have major disabilities? What if he's making me wait because I will die in childbirth, and he's giving Steve more time with me? What if he's making me wait to teach me something? What is trying to teach me? How can I learn it faster?  Does he want me to not use any medication/outside help to show that He doesn't need those? Should I start using prescription medication, if we can afford it? Do I need to have more faith each month? Should I stop trying? And I know all of these questions are ridiculous, but I ask them anyway. Over and over again.

I go through periods of truly giving it up to God. Then I "relapse" into questioning Him. It's just so confusing.

And Steve's not very vocal about how he's feeling. I've already made the mistake of assuming that he only cares because I care. So I waiver back and forth between wanting him to know how I'm feeling and not wanting him to feel badly because I am.

And I hate PCOS. Have I mentioned that recently it's started making my hair fall out? My thin to begin with hair? Or the fact that I've realized that my severe dandruff is also a symptom? Or that I've gained weight again? Grr.

So this wasn't a very encouraging post. But it was an honest post. And hopefully the honesty will help someone.