Resolve: [ri-zolv] v. to determine to do something

I have decided that this year it is important for me to make some goals for the new year, and to review the past year.

First of all, some things that jump out at me as areas that need change:

My relationship with Jesus
Teaching has made my need for a Savior more apparent. Infertility has made my need for a Savior more apparent than ever. Both have driven me into the word and onto my knees in prayer. However, I tend to go to both places looking for answers, not looking to grow closer to my Lord. This needs to change.

My eating habits
I have gained seven pounds this past year. By itself, it doesn't sound like that much, but when you are struggling with PCOS, and when you are already clinically over weight, seven pounds is a lot. And I am definitely over weight. Brutal honesty here; I weigh almost 160, which, for someone my height, is more than twenty pounds overweight, and even further away from my ideal BMI. This also needs to change. For me, my husband, and my future children.

These are the two biggest things that come to mind as things that need improvement, but I also wanted to reflect on good things/changes I've made:

Organization at work
It may not look it from the condition of my desk, but I have made some major strides in organization and just generally being more on top of things at work this year. I have been more than timely with grading papers, and I have been more organized with paper work, etc. This feels good.

Keeping my house clean
This is a more recent development, and I attribute this to answered prayer. I feel like something has finally clicked inside me when it comes to keeping my house clean and in order. Maybe its more of a control issue; a desire to control my life when I feel like I can't control much.  Whatever it is, I suddenly have the desire to keep my home cleaner, more organized, and just generally neater. I am by no means perfect, but this is a big change. Steve really appreciates it too; it is very much a labor of love in his eyes because he feels more relaxed when he comes home to a clean house.

Inspired by a blog I read (Modern Alternative Mama)I spent a good chunk of time today making and organizing my list of goals for the new year. And, being obsessed with color like I am, I color coded them and organized them into categories. I thought I'd share it in hopes of inspiring someone else to make goals.

Happy New Year! What goals have you made this year?

No Matter How You Feel, Trust God.

It's been awhile since I posted. Between vacation and the heat, I just haven't felt like putting together a post although I have about a million different things I want to post about. I decided to put together a quick post today though because I've been feeling so discouraged, and God was so clearly teaching me through VBS today.

The past couple days I've been feeling extremely discouraged over our battle with infertility. Without going into great detail, I will just say that for the past couple weeks, my hopes have been way up. There was evidence that the metformin was working, and other encouraging things had happened. My mind set was that if we didn't get pregnant this month, there was still hope for next month because my body had started to do what it was supposed to.

Not so much. The metformin either isn't doing what it's supposed to or just isn't doing it the way I expected to. And with no private adoption opportunities currently on our horizons, I've just gotten into that I'm-sick-and-tired-of-waiting-and-I-don't-know-if-I-can-handle-this-anymore slump.

Then I went to VBS today. Not at my home church, but at the church affiliated with the school where I work. Today's theme fore the day was "No matter how you feel, trust God." The Bible story was about Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. I guess I never thought about Mary and Martha waiting from the view point of someone who is waiting. They waited past the point of hope. They had no hope left. And yet, God answered there prayer in a way other than what they expected.

The lyrics to the song we sang today also caught my attention.


My mind is spinning.
I'm all confused.
I'm feeling sad and afraid
and kind of angry too.
How can I be strong when everything is going wrong.
God give me strength and help me to find my way.
I've gotta think, think, think,
Think about the goodness of you,
My God.
Because I know, know, know
No matter how I feel
I gotta trust in you.
I wanna trust in you.

Never underestimate God's ability to speak to you through any situation.
Putting this knowledge into practice is a whole 'nother ball game though.

Grief

It has been a long time since the last time I posted. I have intended to post, but every time I either felt that I had too much to say, or wasn't sure that I wanted someone to read what I had to say. Today though, I have so much on my mind, I have to share it. Also, I spent some time today searching for Christian encouragement for people dealing with infertility, and it reminded me that I'm doing this not just for myself, but also so that others going through it won't feel so alone.

Today I came into school with puffy and swollen red eyes. Granted, my eyes were already a little swollen and red from my allergies (die, ragweed, die!), but today it's from crying. And every time the puffiness starts to go away, I start to cry again.

The last post I made was about D-Chiro-Inositol. I stayed on it for a month, but didn't have the funds to purchase it again for another few months. I am back on it now. Because I'm back on it, when I felt what I thought was ovulation pain this month, just over two weeks after the beginning of my cycle, I was sure that there was a chance of getting pregnant this month. I got even more excited when, exactly a week after that, I began to experience some breast tenderness. That never happens to me except years ago when I was on the pill.  So that along with some other symptoms (bleeding gums, fatigue, lightheadedness, cramping)  had me convinced that I was actually pregnant. I mean, I was looking at nursery ideas, planning how to tell people, and everything. In addition to that a few people told me they thought I was pregnant also. I took a test on Saturday morning and thought I saw a faint positive. I took another one on Sunday and did not see anything at all. Still, I just felt pregnant, most of the time.

I called my obgyn and she scheduled me for blood work which I had done on Wednesday morning. Between Wednesday and Thursday afternoon, I prayed. And asked others to pray. And pray. I was convinced of a positive result. I prayed and told God that I was going to let go of all of that "Safety Doubt" I keep around to protect my heart, and allow myself to fully believe trusting that if I wasn't pregnant, he would give me the comfort I needed to get through the news.

I called the doctor again yesterday, to see if the results had come in, and left a message. I waited until the end of the day because I knew, good or bad news, I would have a hard time keeping it to myself. On my way home from work the call came. I am not pregnant. Not bursting into tears at those words was difficult, but I managed to schedule an appointment for my yearly before hanging up and sobbing. I still tried to hold it mostly together; I didn't want Steve to feel horrible when he saw me and driving through tears is not always a safe thing to do. That was kind of pointless though because when I saw Steve, I burst into tears, sobbing tears, which I quelled by shoving my face into his armpit (he was laying on the couch).

It's so strange because despite the fact that I now know that I'm not pregnant. I'm still noticing things that feel like symptoms. Or, I'm still thinking things like Well, maybe all of those symptoms were signs of ovulating, just late, and I could still be pregnant by the end of this month. Because, of course, I still haven't actually gotten my period yet and today is day thirty-six.

I know God has a reason for making me wait, and I know He has my best planned for me. And I know that God's best for me does not necessarily mean wonderful things, but rather what will make me keep developing in the women He wants me to be. But I keep speculating. What if God is making me wait because we're going to have financial struggles soon? What if he's making me wait because my child will have major disabilities? What if he's making me wait because I will die in childbirth, and he's giving Steve more time with me? What if he's making me wait to teach me something? What is trying to teach me? How can I learn it faster?  Does he want me to not use any medication/outside help to show that He doesn't need those? Should I start using prescription medication, if we can afford it? Do I need to have more faith each month? Should I stop trying? And I know all of these questions are ridiculous, but I ask them anyway. Over and over again.

I go through periods of truly giving it up to God. Then I "relapse" into questioning Him. It's just so confusing.

And Steve's not very vocal about how he's feeling. I've already made the mistake of assuming that he only cares because I care. So I waiver back and forth between wanting him to know how I'm feeling and not wanting him to feel badly because I am.

And I hate PCOS. Have I mentioned that recently it's started making my hair fall out? My thin to begin with hair? Or the fact that I've realized that my severe dandruff is also a symptom? Or that I've gained weight again? Grr.

So this wasn't a very encouraging post. But it was an honest post. And hopefully the honesty will help someone.