October 14, 2011

Grief

It has been a long time since the last time I posted. I have intended to post, but every time I either felt that I had too much to say, or wasn't sure that I wanted someone to read what I had to say. Today though, I have so much on my mind, I have to share it. Also, I spent some time today searching for Christian encouragement for people dealing with infertility, and it reminded me that I'm doing this not just for myself, but also so that others going through it won't feel so alone.

Today I came into school with puffy and swollen red eyes. Granted, my eyes were already a little swollen and red from my allergies (die, ragweed, die!), but today it's from crying. And every time the puffiness starts to go away, I start to cry again.

The last post I made was about D-Chiro-Inositol. I stayed on it for a month, but didn't have the funds to purchase it again for another few months. I am back on it now. Because I'm back on it, when I felt what I thought was ovulation pain this month, just over two weeks after the beginning of my cycle, I was sure that there was a chance of getting pregnant this month. I got even more excited when, exactly a week after that, I began to experience some breast tenderness. That never happens to me except years ago when I was on the pill.  So that along with some other symptoms (bleeding gums, fatigue, lightheadedness, cramping)  had me convinced that I was actually pregnant. I mean, I was looking at nursery ideas, planning how to tell people, and everything. In addition to that a few people told me they thought I was pregnant also. I took a test on Saturday morning and thought I saw a faint positive. I took another one on Sunday and did not see anything at all. Still, I just felt pregnant, most of the time.

I called my obgyn and she scheduled me for blood work which I had done on Wednesday morning. Between Wednesday and Thursday afternoon, I prayed. And asked others to pray. And pray. I was convinced of a positive result. I prayed and told God that I was going to let go of all of that "Safety Doubt" I keep around to protect my heart, and allow myself to fully believe trusting that if I wasn't pregnant, he would give me the comfort I needed to get through the news.

I called the doctor again yesterday, to see if the results had come in, and left a message. I waited until the end of the day because I knew, good or bad news, I would have a hard time keeping it to myself. On my way home from work the call came. I am not pregnant. Not bursting into tears at those words was difficult, but I managed to schedule an appointment for my yearly before hanging up and sobbing. I still tried to hold it mostly together; I didn't want Steve to feel horrible when he saw me and driving through tears is not always a safe thing to do. That was kind of pointless though because when I saw Steve, I burst into tears, sobbing tears, which I quelled by shoving my face into his armpit (he was laying on the couch).

It's so strange because despite the fact that I now know that I'm not pregnant. I'm still noticing things that feel like symptoms. Or, I'm still thinking things like Well, maybe all of those symptoms were signs of ovulating, just late, and I could still be pregnant by the end of this month. Because, of course, I still haven't actually gotten my period yet and today is day thirty-six.

I know God has a reason for making me wait, and I know He has my best planned for me. And I know that God's best for me does not necessarily mean wonderful things, but rather what will make me keep developing in the women He wants me to be. But I keep speculating. What if God is making me wait because we're going to have financial struggles soon? What if he's making me wait because my child will have major disabilities? What if he's making me wait because I will die in childbirth, and he's giving Steve more time with me? What if he's making me wait to teach me something? What is trying to teach me? How can I learn it faster?  Does he want me to not use any medication/outside help to show that He doesn't need those? Should I start using prescription medication, if we can afford it? Do I need to have more faith each month? Should I stop trying? And I know all of these questions are ridiculous, but I ask them anyway. Over and over again.

I go through periods of truly giving it up to God. Then I "relapse" into questioning Him. It's just so confusing.

And Steve's not very vocal about how he's feeling. I've already made the mistake of assuming that he only cares because I care. So I waiver back and forth between wanting him to know how I'm feeling and not wanting him to feel badly because I am.

And I hate PCOS. Have I mentioned that recently it's started making my hair fall out? My thin to begin with hair? Or the fact that I've realized that my severe dandruff is also a symptom? Or that I've gained weight again? Grr.

So this wasn't a very encouraging post. But it was an honest post. And hopefully the honesty will help someone.

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