Venting

I am in the mood to make a selfish post.

I am extremely emotional, irritable, and anxious at the moment. I'm pretty sure it's from the Clomid, but that doesn't make it any less of a problem.

I am struggling with jealousy at the moment. Jealousy at every Facebook picture of a baby, every post from mothers being thankful for their children, every time I hear about someone new who is pregnant. I'm even jealous of every post complaining about being tired, or about babies who don't sleep, toddlers who are disobedient, and children who are sick. I'm jealous of every pregnant woman complaining that she doesn't want to be pregnant anymore, that she feels huge, that her back aches and her ankles are swollen. I want it. I want it all. I want every pain, every tear, every complaint, along with every joy, every hug, every snuggle.

And I'm not saying this because I want to make people feel guilty about complaining or because I want people to be more sensitive or less full of joy. I just want to share how it feels. And it sucks.

I am so tired of the ups and downs. I thought it was bad before, but it's even worse on the Clomid. That first month, I was sure I was going to get pregnant. I just knew it. I charted my temperature, used ovulation tests, and we did everything else right. And I just knew that it was going to happen. And it didn't. And now I'm on the the third round, and I'm tired of being hopeful, and I'm just tired, and I'm afraid of this all being a waste of time, and I'm afraid of giving up, and I'm afraid of jumping into adoption because that's it's own kind of scary, and I'm afraid of that failing again too.

Again, I'm not even really asking for a response here. I just need to vent and explain what it's like. And it sucks. It's so terrible. I just need people to know that.

And please pray for me. And for us as a couple because obviously I'm not in this alone, and even though I'm the one who is on the medicine, I'm not the only one who has to deal with the side effects. Ha, poor Steve.

Thanks.

No Matter How You Feel, Trust God.

It's been awhile since I posted. Between vacation and the heat, I just haven't felt like putting together a post although I have about a million different things I want to post about. I decided to put together a quick post today though because I've been feeling so discouraged, and God was so clearly teaching me through VBS today.

The past couple days I've been feeling extremely discouraged over our battle with infertility. Without going into great detail, I will just say that for the past couple weeks, my hopes have been way up. There was evidence that the metformin was working, and other encouraging things had happened. My mind set was that if we didn't get pregnant this month, there was still hope for next month because my body had started to do what it was supposed to.

Not so much. The metformin either isn't doing what it's supposed to or just isn't doing it the way I expected to. And with no private adoption opportunities currently on our horizons, I've just gotten into that I'm-sick-and-tired-of-waiting-and-I-don't-know-if-I-can-handle-this-anymore slump.

Then I went to VBS today. Not at my home church, but at the church affiliated with the school where I work. Today's theme fore the day was "No matter how you feel, trust God." The Bible story was about Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. I guess I never thought about Mary and Martha waiting from the view point of someone who is waiting. They waited past the point of hope. They had no hope left. And yet, God answered there prayer in a way other than what they expected.

The lyrics to the song we sang today also caught my attention.


My mind is spinning.
I'm all confused.
I'm feeling sad and afraid
and kind of angry too.
How can I be strong when everything is going wrong.
God give me strength and help me to find my way.
I've gotta think, think, think,
Think about the goodness of you,
My God.
Because I know, know, know
No matter how I feel
I gotta trust in you.
I wanna trust in you.

Never underestimate God's ability to speak to you through any situation.
Putting this knowledge into practice is a whole 'nother ball game though.

Tuesday Randomness

I have about a million ideas for blog posts, but I also have a million things to do, a million things on my mind, and zero time. So instead, I'm going to purge my mind and my To Do list on to here in a list of...stuff.

Doesn't it look winter-y?

• I have hope again about babies. I had a really positive doctor's appointment this week, had blood work done yesterday, and another appointment on Thursday.
• Heard through the grapevine today that the babies are both healthy and home from the hospital. Their momma is healthy too. Please continue to pray with us for that whole family.
• We REALLY love our puppy, even when he's nuts. And, I think we're crazy, but we're kind of thinking about maybe becoming a two dog family. I'm having a hard time deciding if I really want another dog, or if I'm just so desperate for small baby things to take care of that I'll take any species of baby. :o)
• I feel like all I've been doing lately is cleaning, folding laundry, weeding the garden or flower beds, planting things, picking things, grading papers, making costumes...but my list of things to do keeps getting longer! I'm sure I'm not the only one feeling this way, especially at this time of year.
• I'm planning a trip to visit some of my Townies in June, and I can't wait. I need the fellowship of close Christian girlfriends. 
• When I married him, I had no idea how much of a dork my husband is, but he really is. Currently he is arranging decks of cards for a geeky card game he plans to play with friends on our camping trip.
• I just this second decided that I want to make a second painting for in front of my chimney to hang for spring and summer and save this one for winter and fall.  
• I've been going through some old black and white pictures of my grandparents, and am in love with what I'm finding. I'll share some once I scan them.
• I am not looking forward to turning 27 in a few weeks. I never thought I would be one of those people who dreaded getting older, but this year is hard. I thought I'd have one or two kids by now. I'm hoping to be distracted by fun goings on like a potato dumpling dinner with family. I'm also secretly hoping I'll magically become pregnant between now and then.
• I pricked my finger with a needle today making a turban for our spring program at school. It's going to be an Esther-ordinary play.
• At one point today, I actually shook with anger and indignation. I have never done that before. I actually had to hold my hands still to stop them from shaking. That was not a feeling I enjoyed.
• Last night, Finn chewed up one of my brother's action figures, and I quickly picked up the pieces and put them in my pocket before my brother could see them. They fell out of that pocket today as I was doing laundry, and Finn has been playing with a foot all afternoon. 
• We have been paying my sister to paint the last few rooms in our house, and she just finished the kitchen! The pink is gone and replaced by a pale robin's egg blue! Mostly. There's one wall that goes from the kitchen to the hallway which we plan to paint cream, but my grandparents had painted have pink and half cream with a flower border. A different flower border than the rest of the kitchen. We're having difficulty getting the wallpaper down.

Pink wall!

Well, I'm done puking out my thoughts. Happy Tuesday!

Blue...Dark Blue

I'm blue. The blueness so pervades my life right now that it's hard to tell if normal feelings are periodically overshadowed by the blueness or if the blueness is periodically brightened by normal feelings. I'm not miserable or anything. Not depressed. Just blue. Especially when life gets overwhelming and busy or really quiet and slow.

I just packed up a package for the mother of the twins (if you don't know the whole story, read it here). I bought her a little gift package as a thank you right after she originally gave us the okay. I'm shipping it to my sister-in-law who is passing it along to her friend who is passing it along to the mom. I wrote her a little note too. A note to tell her I'm still praying for her and that we hold no bad feelings. And that we support her decision.

Everybody keeps saying to me, "If she thought she couldn't handle one baby, what makes her think she can handle two?" Or "This must be a selfish decision." I won't make that judgement. Maybe it is a selfish decision. Or maybe having twins made her realize that she was being selfish in the first place. Maybe it's neither of these. I cannot imagine being in her position, and I will NOT judge whether she is making a good decision or a bad one.

Am I still hoping she'll change her mind? Yes. I love those babies. We love those babies. We've named those babies. Bought outfits for them. Planned their nursery. Made blankets for them. Planned to rearrange our lives for them. I started writing a journal  to them.

Did I mention they're being born on my birthday? We heard through the grape vine that they are scheduled to be born via C-section. On my birthday. How's that for a kick in the butt. Ug. I wish I could take that as a sign to keep hoping. Sigh.

I keep reminding myself of the scriptures I have listed here on this page. Of the promises God has given me. Of the love I know He has for me. Unfathomable love. I have to cling to that. His love is clear to me when I see the people he has put in my life, most importantly my amazing husband. I couldn't ask for better.

Disappointment is an Understatement

I've been meaning to post this for the past week or so, but I'm not quite sure what I want to say. It seems like almost everyone knew about our REALLY Big News, and I'm sure everyone now knows about the quick turn of events that took. In case you don't, and because writing it down will hopefully serve to help me further process it, here is the timeline of events.

April 3 (I think, I have the date written down somewhere)- We found out about a young woman, a friend of a friend, who was six months pregnant and wanted to give her baby up for private adoption. She had heard about us, and, if we were interested, would like to talk to us.

April 6- Talked to the mother on the phone. We were impressed with her love for her baby and her overall attitude and demeanor. Ended the conversation with her telling us that she would get back to us after taking some time to consider us.

April 10- Talked to the mother again. She was confident that she wanted us to adopt her son. She said she was sleeping better now that she had talked to us.

April 11- We called an adoption attorney and announced the adoption to friends and family. We also picked out a name and started planning, and even a little purchasing for the baby.

April 12- I texted the mother to see how her doctor's appointment had gone the day before. She had promised to send us an ultrasound picture, and I was anxious to see it. She replied with one word, "unexpected." When asked how so, she told us that the doctor discovered that she is having twins. This changed the decision for her, and she asked for time to rethink her decision. After making sure that she knew we were more than willing to have twins, we told her to take the time she needed and that we would be praying for her and the babies.

April 17- The mother texted Steve and told her that she could not give up the twins.

Poor Steve wanted to wait until he was with me to tell me, but I insisted he tell me while I was driving to small group. By the time I got to the church, I broke down completely. I took Wednesday off from work because I knew I couldn't function.

It's a strange sort of grief because the babies haven't died, they are still alive and healthy. They weren't physically taken away from us because we never had them in the first place. But it was awful none the less.

I still can't stop thinking about them. I pray for the mother and her family constantly. Everyone keeps saying to me, "How does she think she can handle two if she couldn't handle one," but honestly, I don't judge her decision. It is clear to me that she loves her children, and I'm sure she is doing what she feels is best for everyone. I'm not angry with her in any way.

I've been spending the last week or so evaluating my emotions in all of this and what I've learned from it.
I've learned that

• Steve and I have a plethora of friends and family who are praying continually for us, hurting with us, and loving us from both near and far. If I haven't already said thank you, I'm saying it now. Thank you!
• I have the most amazing husband in the world, who, when I asked him how he was feeling said, "Sad. Disappointed. And in love with you."
• God is showing me that my life doesn't need to fit in a nicely wrapped little box. I had such a firmly set idea about how we should build our family and what the order of events should be, down to how we would tell friends and family we were expecting. All this time I've been obsessed with getting pregnant while at the same time saying "we'd like to adopt some day no matter what." Right now, I'd almost rather adopt this instant than find out today that I'm pregnant. This is a strange change for me, as I have looked forward to and been in awe of pregnancy since I was young enough to understand it.
• God can use situations like this to change our hearts and goals, not only as I mentioned above, but also in that Steve and I are now fully on the same page regarding having children. Previously, I wanted a baby and he would be happy to have one, but was also totally happy without one. Now we both want one.
• It's strange, but I have more hope now. This has shown me, or rather reminded me, that a baby can come at any time, from anywhere. We are definitely interested in a private adoption and are keeping our eyes open for another opportunity. It's strange though, we are still kind of on hold, just in case something would happen to change the mother's mind again. We are not counting on it, or even hoping for it, just being aware that it's a possibility.
• Obedience. Between this and another recent situation in my life, God is teaching me to be willing to obey even if it's difficult or unexpected or scary.

I probably have a thousand more things to say about the topic, but I'm going to end here for now. Continued prayers for us and the babies and their mother would be appreciated. 

Our REALLY Big News

Most of you have already heard our REALLY big news already, but I wanted to tell the whole story on here in case anybody wanted to know the details.

Background

Four years ago, Steve and I decided that we were in the point in our marriage where we wanted a baby. However, I have something called Poly-cystic Ovary Syndrome which makes getting pregnant without fertility aids extremely difficult. We originally went to a fertility doctor, but after spending a thousand dollars in one month, without any help from insurance, we realized that this wasn't the direction for us. More importantly, I realized that my attitude had been wrong from the get-go. I had kind of been thinking that I could just go to the doctor, go on some fertility medication to promote ovulation, and that would solve everything. I did not go directly to God in prayer. So we backed off from doctor's visits all together and have relied on prayer and some natural alternatives. 

We have been through an emotional roller coaster over the past four years. Every month brings hope, then despair. Every announcement of a friend or family member having a baby brought joy and sadness. Saying that it has been difficult, for me especially, is an understatement. Knowing that there are women out there who have been going through this for far longer than we have, or who have dealt with miscarriage also, I know our story seems mild in comparison. Going through it was not easy. 

About a month ago, I sat with Steve and told him that I wanted to start seriously considering adoption. This ache for a baby is so overwhelming, that at times I feel like I can't breathe. Though adoption is something we have always wanted to do, not matter what, Steve didn't feel the press to consider that option right now the way I did. He suggested we start saving money to do this in the future. I began praying then and there that if God wanted us to adopt he would make it very clear to us.

Fast forward to last week. The two of us were sitting on the couch watching The Muppet Movie, of all things, when Steve announced a text from his parents. A friend of a friend of the family is six months pregnant with a little boy and wants a private adoption. Are we interested? 

Since then, everything has just flown! 

There have been so many little things that point to God's hand so clearly being in this. For one thing, the situation is VERY similar to the situation surrounding Tyler's adoption.  When I shared the details with him, he said, "Well that sounds familiar!" He now thinks they are like twins thirteen years a part! We even already planned our yearly camping trip to the area where the baby will be born for the week he is due! So there's no finagling of our schedules needed in order to be up there on time. I had also planned to renovate the room that will be the baby's room during this summer (it currently has stained pink carpet in it), and had started saving for the renovations a few weeks before this. The baby's birth mother also has a feeling of peace since speaking to us. The list of "God things" goes on!

Right now, we are working on getting all of the legal side of things in order. If you would like specific things to be praying for, the following is a list of prayer requests:

• A healthy baby!
• The baby's birth mother, that God would bless her and help her through this difficult time.
• Continued discernment for the mother, and Steve and me.
• Strength and energy as we not only put the baby's room together, but also plan for Steve's sister to move in with us, a plan that was already in place before this.
• Financial concerns- this was so sudden and unexpected that we do not have any money set aside for attorney fees, baby furniture, etc. 
• The legal process.
• The baby's father.
• Time management- the next few weeks will be crazy busy for us!
• Peace, for both Steve and me as we are overwhelmed (in a good way) emotionally and are soon to be overwhelmed physically.
• Our relationship with the mother and her family leading up to the adoption. 
• My time with the mother during the delivery; at this point it seems like I will be able to be with her for the actual delivery, and I may be the ONLY person with her.

Thank you all for your prayers and support!