Venting

I am in the mood to make a selfish post.

I am extremely emotional, irritable, and anxious at the moment. I'm pretty sure it's from the Clomid, but that doesn't make it any less of a problem.

I am struggling with jealousy at the moment. Jealousy at every Facebook picture of a baby, every post from mothers being thankful for their children, every time I hear about someone new who is pregnant. I'm even jealous of every post complaining about being tired, or about babies who don't sleep, toddlers who are disobedient, and children who are sick. I'm jealous of every pregnant woman complaining that she doesn't want to be pregnant anymore, that she feels huge, that her back aches and her ankles are swollen. I want it. I want it all. I want every pain, every tear, every complaint, along with every joy, every hug, every snuggle.

And I'm not saying this because I want to make people feel guilty about complaining or because I want people to be more sensitive or less full of joy. I just want to share how it feels. And it sucks.

I am so tired of the ups and downs. I thought it was bad before, but it's even worse on the Clomid. That first month, I was sure I was going to get pregnant. I just knew it. I charted my temperature, used ovulation tests, and we did everything else right. And I just knew that it was going to happen. And it didn't. And now I'm on the the third round, and I'm tired of being hopeful, and I'm just tired, and I'm afraid of this all being a waste of time, and I'm afraid of giving up, and I'm afraid of jumping into adoption because that's it's own kind of scary, and I'm afraid of that failing again too.

Again, I'm not even really asking for a response here. I just need to vent and explain what it's like. And it sucks. It's so terrible. I just need people to know that.

And please pray for me. And for us as a couple because obviously I'm not in this alone, and even though I'm the one who is on the medicine, I'm not the only one who has to deal with the side effects. Ha, poor Steve.

Thanks.