IVF vs. FET: Our Experience

As most of you know, we recently did a Frozen Embryo Transfer in an attempt to get pregnant again. Unfortunately, it didn't work, but I wanted to talk a little bit about the experience now since I didn't blog during.

I mainly wanted to talk about the differences because it was very similar to IVF in most ways.
The overall difference between the two procedures is that IVF starts from the very beginning. Meds are give to stimulate the ovarian follicles in order to be able to retrieve eggs. The eggs are then fertilized and different meds are given to prepare the body for pregnancy. With an FET, the embryos are already created, so there is no need for stimulation of the ovaries, it is all with the goal of preparing the body for pregnancy.

Meds:
Many of my meds were the same as during IVF (here too), but there were a few differences. This time I gave myself Lupron injections, estrogen (e2v) injections (instead of suppositories, my mom gave me these, because they're best in the tush), dexamethasone, an antibiotic, and progesterone suppositories.

The Lupron was an every day injection to prevent ovulation (I think). This was the same as IVF. The e2v is to thicken the lining of the uterus. Last time I had suppositories instead, and I think I started them later in the cycle. I got one injection in my butt twice a week.

You start out with this big scary needle to draw up the medicine. It's a thick liquid, so alarge needle is needed.

Then you switch to a smaller, yet still terrifying, needle, haha.

The dexamethasone was the same as last time. It's a low dose steroid that acts as an immune system suppresant, to keep my body from attacking the baby as a foreign body. The antibiotic and the progesterone were also the same.

For the most part, the side effects weren't as pronounced this time. I had some mild nausea off and on from the progesterone and estrogen I think. The main side effect I noticed was from the dexamethasone. It made me hungry and made me feel like my blood sugar dropped shortly after eating.

Weight

I worked really hard to lose weight before starting my FET and actually started at about a pound or two less than when we started the IVF. I lost thirteen pounds total. Unfortunately, between stress, the dexamethasone, and being on vacation with food everywhere, I gained back ALL THIRTEEN POUNDS during the two week weight. More on this in another post, because it's a major struggle right now. During IVF I only gained five pounds and most of it was bloating.

Emotions

It was bizarre emotionally this time. I felt less connected to the whole process. Maybe partly because I wasn't blogging about it, but mainly because I was so focused on Cai and generally less desperate. Not that I didn't want another baby as much, because I certainly did, but it didn't feel like life or death like it did with our first round because we already have Cai. With Cai I prayed CONSTANTLY and talked to the embryos constantly. This time I didn't have as much alone or quiet time, so it was a little different. I also spent more time getting massages and chiropractic adjustments last time. This time I didn't have the money to do that, so it wasn't really an option. I also struggled with feeling like I was being over confident this time because it worked the first time for us. 

Cost

According to Steve, the overall cost of IVF, start to finish, including testing, meds, and embryo storage fees, was about $20,000. The total cost of the FET this time was about $6000. 

The starting cost for an FET at our office was $4500 (I think the prices had just gone up, but I'm not sure). Meds were MUCH cheaper this time because there were fewer and because our insurance covered more of them. That was a huge blessing for us. Most of the additional costs were tests that I had done before starting, both through our fertility doctor and my PCP. I was concerned about possible thyroid issues and wanted to get that taken care of before starting. I was also taking some natural supplements to help prevent the preeclampsia and cholestasis I experienced while pregnant with Cai. In addition, there are a few procedures before the actual FET process starts that are not covered in the $4,500 total and were not covered by insurance. Also, the cost of storing our remaining embryos went up significantly. Before we do another FET I will have to undergo some testing in order to be sure that my body didn't do something to prevent implantation. I'm not sure what that entails, but I'm pretty sure insurance won't think it's necessary. 

For our IVF we pulled money our of Steve's 401k to pay the majority. We were also, as a couple, making about three or four times what we are now, haha, so we had more money available in general. For our FET we relied on gifts from friends and family (THANK YOU!), selling some things, and credit. I think that made it even harder when it failed.

If you'd like to help us with that cost and the cost of our next two transfers with our remaining embryos, Steve has started a Go Fund Me page for us so that you can do that.

To be honest, I have mixed feelings about doing another round. First of all, I want to lose weight again. More this time, if I can. Part of me can't wait to jump right in again, but another part of me is dreading going through all of the meds and appointments and uncertainty again. I so want more children though. We want Cai to have siblings. I pray daily for our last two little frozen embryos (as I did when there were four of them), and I can't wait to (this probably sounds weird out of context) have them inside me where my body can keep them safe, but I'm also afraid of what might happen again. 

Prayers would be greatly appreciated. Also, if you're going through this or thinking about going through this process, please feel free to reach out to me with questions or just to talk. Also, I'm in an awesome support group on Facebook called Baby Fever which I highly recommend, and its sister group Fertility Friends which is for women who have already conceived but have or are still struggling with infertility. Please let me know if you'd like an invitation!

Our Favorite Winter Books.

Cai loves to be read to. This week he has started bringing us books and sitting on the couch so we can read to him. He has some clear favorites, and so do I. We tend to read books over and over again for several days in a row. Partly because I'm lazy and don't feel like putting them away and getting new ones out. Partly because I remember hearing that little ones learn best through repetition. Partly because if we read different ones all the time I end up feeling like we read them all, all the time. Right now we've been focusing on Christmas and winter books, so we've been reading these often. 

Here are some of our favorites.

We bought this one last year in an effort to start a tradition. It's a collection of twenty four stories that you read leading up to Christmas. A mother bear is telling the stories to her little one, Benjamin. The stories are all about a little bear who is traveling to Bethlehem to meet the Child who will be born. He meets people and creatures along the way such as an eagle, a man in red, a beggar, a giant, a rosebush. Each story ends with a little moral or truth. Honestly, this one isn't my favorite. I LOVE the concept, but the execution could be better. If anybody knows of a better book out there with the same concept, let me know. Still, it's neat for all three of us to sit in Cai's room and read it before bed.

This one is a classic. I remember learning in my chidlren's lit. class in college that it was a big deal in the world of children's books when it was released because it has a black main character and because it is set in the city. I just like it because it helps you to see the snow through the eyes of a little one.

I just bought this one from Sam's Club a few weeks ago. It is a very simplified version of the Christmas story told in rhyme. It's basically pulled from the book of Luke. It begins with Mary and Elizabeth. The pictures bother me a little because they're a little silly, but other than that I really enjoy it. It does a good job of telling all of the major parts of the story. Steve liked that when the wise men visit Mary and Joseph and Jesus are living in a house, not the stable. I really like that it ends by telling of Jesus's death and resurrection, making the story complete.

This is a favorite from my own childhood. Technically we haven't started reading this one yet, because the board book version is in Cai's stocking. It tells the story of a little boy's lost mitten that becomes shelter for the animals in the forest. All of them. At the same time. I love the illustrations. My favorite thing is that each page has a border with little peaks of what is happening on the next page or what has already happened on the page before. 

This is another Jan Brett book, so it has the same great illustrations. This one is a twist on the traditional gingerbread man story. It ends with the little boy making a house for the gingerbread baby. The board book version has a little flap you can open up and see the gingerbread baby inside the house which Cai loves.

We actually don't have this one in our house, but I want to. This is another one from my childhood that I loved. It tells the story of the first snow of the year in a small town. I remember that one lady knew it was going to be a big snow because her big toe hurts. All the grownups act the way grown up do about snow, but the kids just enjoy it. I'd like to pick this one up for Cai.

This one is out of print, and it's quite dated, but I still love it. I think it's based on a true story. It's about a brother and sister who are staying with their grandparents while their mom gets settled in their new house. It's only November, so when the snow starts falling in the morning, Gramma says it won't amount to much and will melt quickly. But it doesn't! The repetition of the line, "But the snow kept on falling," is one I remember reading out loud with my mom when she read it to us. Cai like to see all of the animals on the family's farm. 

What about you? What are your favorite winter or Christmas books? Do you have certain ones you read every year?

Food for Little Tummies (Baby Led Weaning)

I've mentioned on the blog before that we've decided to do baby led weaning (BLW) to introduce Cai to solid foods. This meant that we skipped purees and rice cereal and went straight to solid foods. In the beginning it mostly looked like Cai shoving food into his mouth, tasting it, experiencing the texture, mashing it around a little bit, and spitting it back out, but as he has grown, it now looks like a small person eating food (and it's super fun to watch).

I just wanted to share a few of the recipes that have worked for us (nutritious and easy for little hands).

 Breakfast Hash
This was a go to meal for me in the end of IVF and the beginning of pregnancy when I was trying to eat lots of protein, but with just a little bit o tweaking, it's been great for Cai too. I made enough for us to share

INGREDIENTS:

• Potatoes, cut into grabbable sticks
• Fresh herbs (I used basil and rosemary and scallions)
• Shredded cheese (I used parm. and cheddar)
• Eggs
• Milk (we use raw milk)
• EVOO
• Sausage (optional depending on your baby. Cai doesn't do well with sausage skin, so I either take the skin off or leave it out)

DIRECTIONS:

• Brown potatoes in hot skillet with EVOO.
• If you're using sausage, add that next and cook until brown.
• In separate bowl, scramble eggs with herbs, cheese, and a splash of milk.
• Add eggs to skillet and use spatula to scramble all of the ingredients.

Farmer's Market Pizza

I won't bother posting a recipe for this, but I was super proud of this recipe. I used all ingredients from the farmer's market, my own potted herbs, and a local farm. Everything was pesticide free. 

INGREDIENTS:

• Brick oven chabatta bread
• Farm fresh mozarella
• Tomato sauce
• Fresh basil
• Fresh rosemary

Strawberry French Toast

Again, I won't post a recipe for this one, because I'm sure you know how to  make French toast, but basically I made French toast and then spread cream cheese on it and added strawberries.

INGREDIENTS:

• Bread (I think I used some of my dad's homemade sourdough bread)
• Egg
• Cinnamon
• Milk
• Cream cheese
• Strawberries, sliced

Sweet Potato Fries

Not only did Cai love them, but Steve did too. 

INGREDIENTS:

• Sweet potatoes, cut like fries
• Coconut oil
• Cinnamon
• Ginger
• Curry

DIRECTIONS:

• Toss cut sweet potatoes in coconut oil and spices to taste (we liked ours with a mix of sweet and savory spices)
• Spread onto parchment paper lined cookie sheet.
• Bake until soft enough to chew.

We have loved BLW (and so has Cai). It can be messy, but it's so much fun to watch your little one explore foods. And so far, Cai loves everything we've given him except artichokes. Yay for not being a picky eater!

Overwhelmed

I started writing this post last night and just deleted everything I wrote. It amazes me how difficult it is to get out my feelings on Mother's Day this year.  I still feel strongly about the things I said last year,  but there's so much more to it now. I've spent this morning crying off and on;  tears of joy and sorrow. It doesn't help that I'm overtired; two of the worst nights of sleep Cai has had since the week we brought him home, plus planning a wedding shower, and being on the news (more on that at the bottom of the page), plus some really weird pain in my boob (yay breastfeeding, you wonderful terrible beast). I'm having a hard time sorting through the joy and the pain this year, especially when I didn't expect to feel any pain.

Joy 
I am rejoicing in my son. Yes,  he was fussy today after a rough night, but shortly before his second nap, the only position he was happy in was standing on my lap with his arms wrapped around my neck. We laughed and played together, and I cried. Sometimes the love is so great it hurts.

Thankfulness
There are no words to express how thankful I am that the Lord filled that emptiness I felt for so many years with the most amazing little boy.

Sorrow and Guilt
It's almost like survivor's guilt.  I know so many women who are in pain today; because they have no children; because they've lost a child or children; because they're waiting for their child. My heart aches for them.
 I scrolled through Facebook yesterday and today and saw post after post about motherhood. Mother's rejoicing in their children, bragging about them, thanking the Lord for them, thanking their children for making them mothers. I want to do that, but I can't because I know the pain it brings when you don't have that.

Frustration
I want to shout from the rooftops that being a mama is everything I wanted it to be and more, that it is fulfilling, that now that I'm a stay at home mom, I feel like I'm doing exactly what I was always meant to do (that statement is for me personally; I'm not trying to say that all moms should be stay at home moms). I don't want to feel like shouting that out is selfish.  I want to be oblivious to other people's feelings and focus on the wonder of my own.

Exhaustion and Inadequacy
Last night was one of the hardest nights of parenthood yet. I was already overtired and wanted to go to bed early, and then Cai made it worse.  After sleeping for an hour; he decided sleep wasn't worth it and alternated between crying inconsolably and laughing hysterically. We tried everything;  swaddling and not swaddling  (that's a battle I'll blog about another time), nursing him (my go-to for comfort that either works magically or pissess him off more), teething tablets, playing with him, reading to him, and bringing him into bed with me. Things worked and then they didn't.  At one point I sat on my bed and held my screaming baby and cried myself. I didn't know what to do. Then my amazing husband came in and took him and got him  finally to sleep (this is not to say I had been trying alone to that point; it's just for some reason,  this particular time that Steve took him worked). In contrast to my crying and frustration,  Steve took him with a smile and enjoyed coforting him. God knew what he was doing when He gave me Steve because we handle stress so differently (did I mention he lost his job a few weeks ago and is still handling everything with a smile and kindness? ). As thankful as I was, it reminded me that I am not Super Mom and never will be, and the sooner I learn to be okay with that, the better.

All of this to say that Mother's Day is not as painless as I thought it would be;  it's just different.  In a good way.  And that's okay.  It will always be different for me (Hopefully. May I never take it for granted.), and that's okay.
And those who are hurting today, for many reasons, secretly or publicly, know that I am asking for you and praying for you, for comfort and joy.

Also. ..
 I was interviewed on a local news program yesterday morning about my first Mother's Day after years of infertility. I was asked to be on the program through Sher Institute, my fertility clinic. It was a pretty neat experience. Of course there are things I wanted to say and didn't, and things I wish I hadn't said, or at least said differently, but overall, I'm pleased with how it went. You can watch it here: First time moms celebrate Mother's Day.

Five Favorite Apps for New Mamas

I know our mothers and grandmothers survived being mothers without the technology we have today, but I have to say that I have really appreciated some of the apps I've been able to use as a new mom. I thought I'd share some of them and what I like about them, especially because I know quite a few other new mamas right now. All of the apps I'm listing are Android apps. Not sure if they're available for the iphone.

  Feed Baby Pro
I started out with just the Feed Baby Free and upgraded when the free trial of the paid app expired. I honestly don't remember why I felt the need to upgrade, but I think the paid app was $1.99. I have found this app incredibly useful, especially in the beginning. I remember coming home from the hospital and thinking, "If I'm feeding on demand, why do I even need to keep track of feedings." I quickly learned how important it was, at least for me. This app can keep track of almost any information you put into it; feedings, pumping sessions, diaper changes, sleep, baths, medications, and growth. It also has a section where you can journal. I use it mainly to keep track of feedings and sleep.

You can use it on multiple devices and sync them together. I use it on my phone and my Nook tablet. In the picture above, I hadn't hit the sync button, so it hadn't pulled the info from my phone which is why it says that it had been 126 hrs. since the last feeding. :) But you can see that it helps me keep track of which side I last fed from, how long each feeding was, and how long it has been since the last feeding. The buttons at the top allow you to enter different types of feeds; left breast, right breast, bottle, and solids.

It also give you some useful summaries. I can see how long he has fed throughout the day. I like that because I can see when growth spurts have started (feed times double) and also get an idea as to whether or not he will wake up in the night to eat (if he spends less than an hour and half eating right now, I can be pretty sure he'll wake up in the night to eat).

Right now, I use this page a ton. It's basically a timeline of whatever options you want to put in. This was really helpful as I tried to get Cai on a napping schedule. You can see that right now, most days he takes three naps. He goes down for the first between 8:30 and 9:30, the second between 12:00 and 1:00 and the last between 3:00 and 4:00. You can also see that some days I don't keep perfect track, or we are out and about and our routine gets a little messed up. 

This app has a lot more uses than what I use it for, and I highly recommend it, especially for first time moms. Although I didn't use it for keeping track of diaper changes, I can see how it would be extremely helpful in the beginning (especially for breastfeeding mamas when you can't see how much milk baby is getting) so you can see that baby is having enough output and getting enough food.

White Noise Baby

I only used this app for a short time when Cai was a newborn, but it was helpful. I used the doppler ultrasound option and would put it on at nap times. It helped disguise any loud or sudden noises. I also used it overnight when we had friends or family with children spend the night in hopes that it would disguise any crying the other children might do in the middle of the night. It has a good variety of noises. I didn't bother getting the paid version of this app because the free was enough.

It also has a baby mode which is basically like airplane mode on your phone, so that baby doesn't get woken up by texts, phone calls, etc. Oh, and I never used it, but it has a "rattle" button so that baby can use your phone as a rattle. Crazy. 

The Wonder Weeks App

I only recently discovered this app when it was recommended to me, and I wish I had gotten it earlier. I think I paid like two dollars for it. Basically, it's based on the book The Wonder Weeks, and it tells you when (based on your baby's due date) you can expect fussiness due to your baby making a "leap" which is basically a jump in cognitive ability. Cai is currently in his fourth leap, and he definitely became more fussy almost on cue when the leap started. I'm anxious to see how he changes when this leap is over.

It gives tips on ways to help your baby through the leap as well as what abilities your baby will probably gain by the end of the leap. It's pretty cool.

You can see Cai is 18 weeks past his due date and has six days left in this leap.

Cozi

I think I've talked about Cozi on the blog before, but I love the calendar, to do list, and shopping list functions of this app. I use the free version, but you can subscrive and upgrade to Gold for a monthly fee. I can schedule appointments, mark them as for me, Steve, or all of us, and even set it up to text us a reminder from an hour to a week before the appointment. I can also create a shopping list, and Steve can access it from his phone, which is super convenient because he manages a grocery store. I use it even more now that we have Cai because otherwise I would not be able to keep track of all of our appointments (I missed one of my doctor's appointments in the beginning), and I need reminders--so does Steve! 

Groovebook

I LOVE this app! If you watch Shark Tank, you've seen heard about this app. The creators just made a deal with Shutterfly for like 17 million dollars! Basically, it's a photo subscription service. or $2.99 a month you can choose 100 photos from your phone and they will be printed in the perfect size for cell phone photos in a little paper back album, with perforation so that you can easily tear out the photos. You can pick which photos and how many copies of each one you want. You have all month to upload them and make changes. If you have more than 100 photos that month (a problem I've been having because of all the pictures I take of Cai), you can close the book early and get charged an extra $2.99 that month. If you don't upload a full 100 photos, they will send you double copies of some of yours to fill up your full 100. You can even send extra Groovebooks to family and friends. The albums are super cute too, although I tear mine out and put them in Cai's baby album or our family photo album. It's so nice to be able to get all of those photos off of my phone. 

Basically these apps cover all of the important things for me right now (or in the first few weeks with a baby); feeding, sleeping, surviving, organizing, and recording all of the awesome memories!

Just Some Baby Eye Candy...

Yesterday, Cai kept me entertained while I organized my closet and cleaned our bedroom. I felt like yesterday was the first time he smiled because he was happy to see ME, not because he was amused by the noises I was making or the way I touched his cheeks.

He gets cuter every day especially because his baby acne is clearing up and the hair he lost is growing back. I love looking at him so much it's almost painful!

Cai's Room: Sources

So a lifetime ago, back when I was 37 weeks pregnant, I promised to make a post about Cai's room with a source list. I have no idea if anybody cares where I got things or how I made things, but it's fun to pretend I'm a real blogger who has more than eleven followers and that people care about things like that. :)

I kept putting off sharing this post because there are a few odds and ends that weren't done, like the lamp on the dresser (it's been painted royal blue and given a new shade since then), and I intended to take more pictures. But, I've realized that if I keep waiting until I do that, it will never happen. Right now though, my little man is in bed (actually, so is my big man), and I have time to make this post while I sit on the couch with Finny. My pictures are clearly not the best, but you get the general idea.

Source list:
Crib: Baby Mod- Modena 3-in-1 Fixed Side Crib, Walmart (gift from Steve's parents)
Dresser: Originally my mom's dresser as a child, then mine and my sisters', then painted green for my brother.
Book shelf: Better Homes and Garden Three Cube Organizer, Walmart
Glider Rocker: Delta Haven Glider and Ottoman Set, Target
Crib Sheet: Sweet Jojo Designs Layla Fitted Crib Sheet, Target
Rug: Homemade with scrap yarn
Crib Blanket: Homemade
Blanket on Rocker: Homemade with scrap yarn
Mobile: Homemade
Star Lantern: Purchased from a small store on Main Street in Bethlehem
Changing Pad Cover: ButtercupForest on Etsy
Wall Art above Crib: Homemade, frames from from Walmart
Alphabet: Purchased from Hobby Lobby and Michaels, some wood, some cardboard, some composite, all painted by me.
Monster Paintings: Homemade
Name on Door: Hand painted gift from a dear friend
Wall Art: Far left hand made by a dear friend, the rest were homemade (I've added a fourth since then)
Paint: I can't even give the paint color for this because my sister and I lightened a paint we already had.
Stuffed Animal in Crib: Hoho from Little Bit Funky

Cai Alexander: One Month Old

I cannot believe our baby is a month old already! He had is one month appointment two days ago, and we found out that he gained 2 lbs. and grew an inch and a half since leaving the hospital! I was so excited and proud! There's a unique sense of satisfaction knowing that the food that I'm producing for him caused that weight gain! At the same time, it's bittersweet how fast he's growing. I'm excited about each  new stage, but I'm very aware that he will never be at this stage again. When I said something like that to Steve, he said, "But we'll have more babies." This is true, Lord willing (a year ago I was afraid we'd never have any children and now we're talking about more!), but Cai will never be a newborn again. 

Not his first bath, but the first (and only) on in the flower bath.

Cai seems to have better than average neck strength and control. Our first week home from the hospital he was already holding his head up for extended periods of time. He even rolled over once in those first few days; I'm sure that was just a fluke though because he definitely hasn't done it again.

This outfit barely fits him now!

Just like before he was born, he is a very active baby. He is constantly stretching. One of my favorite times of day is his first morning diaper change. When I lay him on the table he stretches for the first few minutes, and I just watch. He's usually very happy in the morning, and especially enjoys staring at the letters on his wall above the changing table. When he's not kicking up a storm or punching through his swaddle, he's laying completely still staring at things. Sometimes he doesn't even blink. He's also very vocal and spends a good chunk of time grunting and even does some cooing.

His first real smile was at three weeks and six days, and he smiled up a storm! Today we spent about forty five minutes laying on the floor together smiling and cooing and looking around (he did the cooing not me). 

Cai isn't sleeping through the night yet by any means, but he did have a few nights where he slept a full seven hours. For awhile he was only waking up once or twice a night, but then he went through a growth spurt. Most nights we try to lay him down between seven and eight. Our bedtime routine includes a bath every other night, lavender lotion, a feeding, and most nights a Bible story and praying together. He's often already asleep during the Bible story, but I read to him anyway. Twice Steve has given him his bed time feeding with a bottle of breast milk. The first time was tough, but the second one went well. We tried both Medela and Avent nipples, and he seemed to have an easier time with the Avent. Lately, after we put him to bed, he wakes up frequently between eight and midnight and cluster feeds, so I often don't bother going to bed until then. He then usually wakes up once between 2;30 and 3:30 and again between 4;30 and 5;30 then sleeps until 8:30. Last night he went to bed late because he and I spent some time with my family because Steve worked late. He had a rough hour or so where he was super gassy (I think because I ate some broccoli for the first time), but when we got home he relaxed in his bathtub and even kept falling asleep in there. He then spent the next hour or so eating off and on until Steve put him to bed. I don't know if it was the late hour or if he wore himself out crying, but he only woke up once last night. Yay for sleep!

Cai basically has two set nap times throughout the day. I swaddle him and put him in his cradle (a beautiful cradle my dad made when I was born) shortly after his morning feeding and then again around one or two. He spends most of that in between time awake. Trying to establish this routine has given me so much more freedom because I'm not just hoping he'll fall asleep.

We bought Cai a special outfit for Christmas Eve (a little pair of black pants, a gray checked shirt, and a red sweater vest), and Daddy wanted to buy him a little newsies style cap to go with it, but it was WAY too big. Instead, Steve decided that I needed to make him one, so I did. The picture above wasn't quite finished, but isn't he stinking cute!

Cai seems to have a dairy intolerance, so I have to be very careful about what I eat. This has been super difficult for me, as I love dairy, especially cheese. If I do eat too much dairy though, he gets a severe rash, almost to the extent of open sores on his tushy.

Cai is a bit of hot mess right now with baby acne and cradle cap. He has lost a lot of his hair from the top of his head too.

Cai has his Daddy's hairline, nose, longs arms, and big hands. I think he has my chin. Steve and I have the same color eyes, so he looks like both of us there.

I know most people aren't super interested in all of this, but I want to remember everything. Plus, with subsequent babies, I want to be able to look back and see how they compare or remember what we did and what worked or didn't work.

Surviving Our First Few Weeks

Our first couple of weeks were far more difficult than I thought they would be. This post will probably be a little all over the place, but bear with me.

We spent most of our first week at the hospital. Our original plan was to keep Cai in the room with us, but he ended up in the nursery a great deal of the time. In the beginning he had low blood sugar, and they kept checking it, until our pediatrician finally told them to stop because he was fine. 

Then he developed jaundice and had to be under the blue lights all the time unless I was nursing him. this was super difficult for me. I was definitely hormonal at the time and it killed me to not have him near me. I missed him so much. Plus, it didn't help that I felt like it was my fault that he had jaundice. When I was being reasonable, I knew this wasn't the case, but the nurses and the pediatrician kept saying things about how it was because my milk hadn't come in yet. They strongly encouraged us to supplement with formula because eating more would cause him to poo and pee the bilirubin out faster. We used something called an SNS (Supplemental Nursing System) which is basically a tube connected to a small bottle of formula. You tape the tube to your nipple, so that when you're  nursing, the baby gets your colostrum and the formula and it encourages your milk to come in. Anyway, I felt awful and had to keep reminding myself that it wasn't my fault and that it was normal for my milk to not have come in yet especially because I had a c-section.

Despite the jaundice, they still let us go home on the day we were scheduled, although they made us wait until evening. Cai's bilirubin was still a little high, so they sent us home with a bilirubin blanket.

 
 It's basically a photo therapy light that you wrap around the baby. It made our first night home AWFUL. Cai was attached to an outlet. The thing was so heavy that it was hard for him to lay flat; he kept rolling to his side. We couldn't swaddle him because of it. Actually, because it had to be on bare skin, it was difficult to even have clothes on him. We tried putting him in the co-sleeper in our room, but between the bilirubin blanket and the fact I couldn't sit up easily on my own (to pick him up and nurse him) because of my incision, all three of us ended up sleeping in the living room sitting up while we took turns holding Cai.

Then, first thing the next morning (Saturday), we had to take Cai back to the hospital for blood work to see if his levels had gone down. Getting out of the house on a schedule on your first day home with a newborn after a c-section and a sleepless night is no small task, but we did it. The levels were okay, so we didn't have to use the bilirubin blanket the second day home, but our night was still awful. Cai would cry every time we put him down and would only sleep in our arms. He slept half the night in his car seat and the other half sitting up in my arms.

We went back to the hospital for more blood work on Sunday, then to a pediatrician appointment on Monday. They sent us for blood work one more time, and at that point he was finally jaundice free. My milk had finally come in then also, so we stopped supplementing. I can't tell you how exciting it was to see milk spill out of Cai's mouth when he drooled! I was so proud and satisfied.

Somewhere in those first few days, I took an afternoon nap for a little over two hours while Cai napped and Daddy took care of him woke up. It was the first time I had slept more than two hours since arriving at the hospital (between feedings, and uncomfortable bed, and having my vitals checked every few hours, I didn't sleep much), and it was wonderful.

Steve was amazing through all of this. At the hospital, he did everything but nurse Cai. He changed every diaper and at one point even fed me my lunch (I was starving and hadn't yet perfected the art of accomplishing anything while nursing). Despite all of the difficulties, we both fell in love with our son in those first few days, and I fell even more in love with my husband as I watched him love Cai.

By his third night home, we had figured out a way to swaddle him called "The Secret Swaddle" which we had seen on Pinterest. Prior to this, we would wake himself up because he would punch his way out of the swaddle. This method works as a little baby straight jacket and allows him to sleep calmly (except Cai doesn't smile sweetly while we swaddle him like the baby in picture; he fights it until he's completely snuggled up).

Recovering from a c-section was harder than I thought it would be. Because of the c-section (and the reasons I already mentioned), we didn't really use the co-sleeper and ended up putting Cai in his crib (more on my recovery in another post). This made me a little sad, but it was what worked for us.

I've learned about mommy guilt very quickly. Not only did I feel like the jaundice was my fault because I wasn't providing milk for my baby right away, but around the second week home, Cai developed a severe diaper rash. At his second doctor's appointment, the pediatrician told us that the fact that the redness was centered around the anus meant that it was more than likely caused by an intolerance to something I was eating. She suggested either tomatoes (or other acidic foods) or dairy (milk protein). I cut out tomato sauce and cut back on dairy and the rash went away. It came back this week, but has cleared up again a few days later. It's awful knowing that what I was eating without a second thought was causing my baby pain. I experienced this all over again tonight when Cai had some pretty severe gas for the first time. I'm pretty sure it was because I ate some broccoli for the first time last night. The gas didn't last super long, but his screams were gut wrenching!

Speaking of gas, another struggle those first few weeks was dealing with the (kindly intended) suggestions from family members. Every time Cai wiggled, stretched, or fussed, whatever female family member was nearby (mother, grandmother, great grandmother, great aunt) suggested that it was gas. I can't tell you how many times my grandmother said, "Oh, he has a belly ache." Like I said, tonight was the first time he really had gas, but that hasn't stopped everyone from talking about it. It's way harder than I thought to deal with the advice of EVERYONE.

Anyway, we made it! All three of us! And Cai is thriving! My intent is to write a post about his one month update tomorrow, but we'll see how that goes. Hopefully I get to it because the next week is crazy busy, with fun stuff, but busy none-the-less.

Belly Growth {Just for Fun}

I thought I'd share this just for fun.

Shortly after finding out that I was pregnant...5 weeks, I think

Week by week