On How the Battle with Infertility is Never Over

God has blessed us with the best little man we could ask for.

We are so blessed that we were able to conceive him on our first round of IVF.

We are so blessed that we were able to freeze four embryos.

We are so blessed that God provided the money we needed to conceive Cai when we needed it.

We are so thankful for the amazing ways God has worked in our life as a family.


Our battle with infertility has changed so much because of what the Lord has chosen to do in our lives, but I'm quickly realizing that it is not gone.

We have four frozen embryos. In other words, we have four frozen babies. We plan to attempt to conceive all four of these babies by doing two frozen embryo transfers (FET) with two embryos each. These will cost around $5,000 each, give or take a thousand.

We originally planned to do our first FET when Cai was just over a year old, approximately five or six months from now. Then life happened. Steve lost his job (through no fault of his own), and although he has found a new one (praise the Lord), our income is less than half of what it was when we did IVF. This means that we really have no idea when we will be able to do a FET. It makes me anxious as I turned thirty this year and can feel that internal clock ticking.

On the other side of things, despite the fact that I am still breastfeeding (side note: breastfeeding and cloth diapering have been a huge blessing with the lack of income we dealt with for awhile. Basically, we didn't have to spend anything on Cai!), my cycle has returned. This is nearly miraculous as I never had a normal cycle ever and was wondering if it would ever even bother coming back. And not only has it returned, but it is more normal than it has been since I was in high school. Kind of crazy.

So now this presents a new dilemma. If pregnancy has helped to kick start my body into being closer to normal (apparently pregnancy can help with PCOS), and because we will not be able to afford a FET for at least another year or more, do we consider trying to get pregnant naturally?

Again, that clock is ticking and the younger I am the easier conceiving could be, so if we were to try to conceive naturally, now would be the time.

But what if we do get pregnant, then do to FETs and end up with six children? Are we okay with that?

Or what if we don't try, wait to do the FETs, and end up not getting pregnant with any, and miss any possible window to conceive naturally.

I mean, I know that ultimately God has a plan for the size of our family, and he will give us the strength to handle whoever comes our way, whether it be just Cai, five more, or a gaggle of adopted kids.

But these are things we have to think through that the average couple does not.

We can't just say, "Let's see what happens," and throw out the condoms, and that's it. We have four little lives waiting in limbo and one already in full swing who need to be considered.

I don't know.

Please don't get me wrong; I'm not complaining. We have been blessed beyond our imaginations with Cai. I guess I'm just amazed with how much infertility still weighs on us. How much it still affects us despite four babies waiting for us, despite the fact that our infertility issues could potentially be disappearing, despite that fact that there is a precious little man napping in his crib right now.

A Year Ago Today...

A year ago today, around this same time in the evening, Steve and I sat on the couch in our living room and listened to a voice mail. The original call had come around two early that day, but I refused to listen to it until we were together. We snuggled on the couch, held each other's hands and listened.

Our nurse Kristine's voice rang out,  "Hello, Lorena..." I didn't really have to hear the rest, her tone of voice was enough, but just to be sure, I listened on. "We got the results of your beta back. You are pregnant! Congratulations!" We hugged each other and cried, and our world changed forever.

Five and half years of waiting was finally over.

And the past year has been filled with ups and downs, like any year (IVF, Steve's promotion to Philly, Steve's being moved to Reading, selling our house, not selling our house, leaving my job to be a mom, Steve taking a new job, HAVING A BABY), but I can honestly say that it has probably been the best year of my life. I think I can even say that it has been the best year of our life. Steve and I have grown even closer and our marriage has become even stronger.

Our little Cai turns four months old tomorrow, and he certainly fits the meaning of his name, "rejoice", both because he makes us rejoice and because he is such a joyful baby.

I've been mentally writing another post about infertility and the continuing effects it still has on us, but right now, I just want to rejoice.

Thank you , Lord, for all that you have given.

Belly Growth {Just for Fun}

I thought I'd share this just for fun.

Shortly after finding out that I was pregnant...5 weeks, I think

Week by week

Hello, Cai Alexander! {A Birth Story}

On November 18, 2014, our lives changed forever. The gift we'd been hoping and praying for six years finally arrived. Very little about Cai coming into this world went as I planned or expected. He wasn't conceived when I wanted him to be, or the way I expected him to be, and his birth didn't go anything like I had planned. But, God had a plan and his timing is perfect. That is one of the biggest lessons I've learned over the past six years. That, and the fact that giving up control and trusting him is much easier and always goes better, than trying to control things myself (I'm learning that even more now, every time I put Cai to bed and have to trust the Lord to keep him safe when I am sleeping and can't see him).

The morning of our induction, 39 weeks 2 days

In the past nine months I have read and planned and researched about what I thought a safe and healthy birth should look like (who am I kidding, I've been doing that for years). Steve and I both wanted a natural birth without pain meds or medical interventions and with all of the good stuff; immediate skin to skin contact, delayed cord clamping, etc. In fact, I was quite a bit elitist about it, silently congratulating myself for doing research whenever somebody talked about their medicated birth or looking forward to joining the club of  natural birthing mamas. Serves me right.

The first hitch in the plans came when at my 37 week appointment, my doctor suspected that I had cholestasis of pregnancy, a condition where your liver produces too much bile. The main, and sometimes only, symptom is all over itchiness that tends to get worse at night. I had suspected it myself because my itchiness was OUT OF CONTROL. I could barely fall asleep at night. I had made the mistake of looking it up online and read that it could cause still birth, but when the doctor gave me the script for blood work to test for it, she was reassuring. Because I seemed to be developing it at that point in my pregnancy, the risk was minimal. The bigger concern is preterm birth for women who develop it at an earlier stage of pregnancy. Phew! However, if the results were positive, they would likely induce right away. So I went for the blood work and waited. For a long time. Apparently the results take a long time because they need to be sent away for. A week later they still hadn't come back.

The second hitch came at my 38 week appointment (Friday, November 14). We had already been keeping an eye on my blood pressure because it had been a little high, so when I came in with my legs and feet EXTREMELY swollen (seriously, that's an understatement) and pitting edema and some protein in my urine, they were concerned about preeclampsia, so they sent me to the hospital for blood work and to be monitored. My blood pressure stayed pretty decent and the protein level in my urine went down while I was there, but between that and the fact that my blood work for the cholestasis came back while I was there (it indicated that I was developing cholestasis though I didn't have it fully yet), they told me to come back Monday morning to be induced.

I had heard horror stories about induction and the evil pitocin...how it makes the pain so much more severe and makes you blow up like a balloon, yada, yada, yada, so I was not looking forward to the induction. I prayed that I would go into labor before then. I was already 3 cm dilated and 80% effaced and having pretty frequent, though not painful, Braxton Hicks contractions, so I was pretty hopeful as were my doctors. I ate spicy food, got a massage, went for walks, bounced on the birthing ball, etc., all in hopes of bringing on labor, with no luck.

So Monday morning rolled around and Steve and I loaded the car seat, diaper bag, and my suitcase into the car. Steve prayed for all three of us before we left the driveway, and we headed to the hospital.

They started me on pitocin shortly after I arrived. According to the nurses, my doctors are more conservative in their use of pitocin and increased it at half the speed that most doctors do in hopes of a more natural result. This meant the pain wasn't bad, but that things progressed quite slowly. I was already having some VERY mild, but somewhat regular contractions when we got there, and they slowly became more intense. I was also almost four centimeters upon arrival. Things moved very slowly. Steve was bored. My back was killing me from sitting in the stupid hospital bed.

This is where the third hitch really came in. Because I was being induced, they wanted to monitor the baby's heartbeat constantly rather and intermittently. And because my son is a stinker who moves constantly, this was difficult. Even if a stayed in the same position, sometimes we would lose his heartbeat because he was so active. This made movement really difficult. At one point my nurse (Sidenote: total God-thing that my nurse was a family friend and was able to be with me until around 7 PM, I think. She was WONDERFUL, and I am so blessed to have had her with me) tried to let me use the birthing ball, but as soon as I would sit on it, we'd lose his heartbeat. At this point my pain wasn't bad, so it wasn't a big deal that I couldn't move except that my back hurt a bit, but later, when my pain became bad, it became a major problem. Almost all of the ways I planned to manage pain had to do with movement (birth ball, using the Jacuzzi, walking, etc.), so when I couldn't move, that left me with essential oils and breathing, which didn't help all that much.

At some point,after 7 PM I think, so at least twelve hours in, one of the residents came in to check my progress. He checked me an looked at the nurse and said, "You said she was 4 cm.? She is not 4 cm." The nurse (a new one who was also wonderful, and pregnant), looked at me and then at the doctor and said, "What do you mean?" We were both confused. I was thinking he was suggesting that I went backwards or something, and I'm pretty sure she did too. "She's like 7 cm." was the response. I think the nurse was more excited than I was. She was quite proud of me.

Shortly after that my doctor came in and said it was time to break my water. Let me tell you, that was nothing like I expected it to be. First of all, it looks like it would hurt; they use a tool that looks like a crochet hook; but it didn't hurt at all. It did feel strange though. It feels just like you're peeing. Uncontrollably. And for me it was for a very long time. Every time I moved more water would come out.

This is where the details start to get blurry because my pain increased dramatically at this point, but it's also where hitch number four comes in.. On a scale of 1 to 10, I went from a 4 to a 10 in what seemed like no time at all. When the doctor checked me a little while later, she said she was concerned about how tight my pubic bone was. She recommended getting an epidural so that if she had to, she could "get in there and move around easily." At first I was totally against it, but my pain escalated so quickly, and the doctor seemed so concerned, that I told Steve that if he was okay with me getting one, I thought it would be a good idea. Somewhere around this time, I kicked my family our of the room. My mom, sister, dad, and Oma had been behind the curtain in the room with us. My mom was a little obsessed about being there, even though she knew, and was okay with the fact that, I planned to kick her out at some point. In the beginning it was nice having them there because things were boring, but once my pain became more severe, I asked Steve to ask them to leave. I didn't want them to hear me moaning which I definitely was doing at this point.

This is the only picture I have of myself with Cai
at the hospital. I kind of hate it. I was retaining SO
much water it was RIDICULOUS! 

I was shocked at how quickly he pain became so strong, and it seemed like forever until the anesthesiologist came to give me the epidural. All the while I was debating with myself about whether or not I would regret getting one. I came to the conclusion that given all of the circumstances, I was making the right decision.

And here was the the fifth hitch. The anesthesiologist gave me the epidural, which freaked me out so much. And I waited for the relief. And waited. And waited. And it didn't come. My legs went all pins and needles, but I could feel every contraction FULLY and the pain was getting worse. So the nurse had me press the button to give myself a bolus of the epidural medication.I could feel the medicine going in. And I waited again. And nothing happened. So fifteen minutes later I pressed it again. And waited again. And nothing happened. So fifteen minutes later I pressed it again. And nothing happened.

Ready to go home!

At this point the nurse called the anesthesiologist back in so he could redo the epidural (which was almost as scary to me as continuing without the epidural). The anesthesiologist was really nice, but he had a really strong accent, so he was super difficult to understand. He was quite frustrated that it hadn't worked because he wasn't sure why it hadn't worked. The only thing he could think of was that he had put it up too high  because it was difficult to tell where my hips were (I told him it was because I was too fat, but he said that wasn't it, haha). The time while he put the second epidural in was the most difficult part of the whole experience. I was sitting on the edge of the bed with my feet on the stool, and Steve stood in front of me so that I could lean my forehead on his shoulder. My pain was so sever at this point that I had been moaning and writhing, but I knew I couldn't do that while he put in the epidural. Between the contractions and the needle in my back itself, it took every once of strength I had to stay still. Plus I was sweating and felt like I was slipping off of Steve's shoulder. Apparently he was watching the doctor give the epidural. He said it was fascinating and that the doctor was afraid Steve would pass out from watching. He didn't though, and I survived.

He's got his daddy's hands (and hairline and ears
and nose and...)

Once the epidural kicked in, I was able to take a nap. The medicine made me quite a bit dopey, which was the whole reason I didn't want to get an epidural in the first place. When I woke up from the nap, at least I think that was the timing, I was a full 10 centimeters dilated and the baby had dropped a little lower. The doctor said that she was still a little concerned about my pubic bone, but I had proved her wrong already (she hadn't expected Cai to drop any lower), so maybe I would again.

So I pushed. It didn't hurt because of the epidural, but I was surprised at how challenging it still was. First of all, I couldn't really feel the timing of the contraction, but mostly it was hard because it took so much breath to give a a good push, and I would run out of air before the doctors wanted me to stop pushing.  According to the doctors though, I did it right though.

Oh, somewhere in all of this, I threw up three times. I don't remember when. I was only allowed to have clear liquids once I arrived at the hospital, but somehow I still managed to throw up a ton. It was awful.

Hitch #6. My doctor came back in and checked me again (the residents were with me for the rest of the pushing), and said that she could tell that I was doing a good job pushing, but after an hour of pushing, Cai hadn't moved any lower. In fact, he was getting a cone head because I was pushing well enough, but only his skin was moving past my pubic bone; his head was not. She said I could continue pushing for another hour and see if I got anywhere, but she recommended a c-section because he wasn't moving.

Cai and Finnegan!

We decided to take her advice, and they quickly prepared me for a c-section. They didn't let Steve in with me, but they told him that as long as they didn't have to sedate me, he would be able to come in after they got me set up.

Funny side note, as I entered the OR, I corrected the grammar of the only male resident. He knew I was an English teacher and had told me how much he hated English. He had used a superlative and used both the word "most" and an "-est" ending. Everyone got a kick out of it.

And then there was hitch #7. At this point, I made sure they knew that I was starting to feel things again. The anesthesiologist told me that they would be switching medicines, so I shouldn't worry. He put the new medicine in, and my doctor tested to see if I could feel anything. And I could. So he upped the anesthesia, and tested again. And I could feel it again. So he upped it again, and tested again, and I could feel it again. So they upped it again, and tested again, and I could feel most of it again. Somewhere in the midst of this I threw up again, a really awkward thing to do when your arms are strapped to the table and you can only turn your head. They couldn't go any higher with that medicine though, so they had to try something else. The something else basically sedated me without actually knocking me out (so Steve wasn't allowed to come in). They didn't tell me what would happen though, so I didn't know what was happening at this point. It was awful. I basically hallucinated the whole time. I thought I was on an episode of Dr. Who, a scary one. I kept flashing from scene scene. At one point I thought I heard Cai cry, but I didn't know that was what I was hearing. I also thought I could feel the pulling in my belly, but I didn't know what that was either. Then I started to come back and suddenly realize the blue stuff I was staring at was the sheet they put up in front of me. I could hear them talking about putting staples in, but I still wasn't fully aware that my baby had been born. I couldn't even think straight enough to ask for details about him. This part seemed to take forever. I also started shaking uncontrollably, which I had been warned about ahead of time, but it was awful.

They wheeled me into recovery and I remember seeing my sister and my mom smiling at me as I passed them in the hallway. Steve came into the recovery room pretty quickly. He showed me pictures of Cai. He was so beautiful! He told me he cried when he saw him, and he got to cut the cord. I was so upset that I hadn't seen him yet. I didn't feel like I had actually had a baby.

Finally they, brought him in, but I couldn't hold him right away because I was still shaking so badly. They had to take him right back to the nursery though because his temp and his blood sugar were both low, but they brought him back  quickly so I could breast feed him. That was when it finally felt real. Steve and me and our boy.


I'm spent with writing for today, but I'll write more soon about our first few weeks (almost three already!)

Daddy in love

Momma in love

Pregnancy Update: 37 Weeks

How far along: 37 weeks (tomorrow actually)! Cai is officially full term and can come at any time now!

36 Weeks

Showing: I think I have my own gravitational pull.

Weight Gain: More than I'd like. I think I'm at 42 lbs now. I eat a lot, partly because sometimes my heartburn makes me feel like I'm hungry when I'm not.

Maternity Clothes: Not wearing as much anymore. I have one pair of maternity jeans, two hand me down long sleeve t's, and one sweater that I've been wearing. Other than that I've been in Steve's tshirts and yoga pants I just bought.

Food I'm Eating/Craving: Nothing good for me. Except maybe bruschetta; I'm still loving bruschetta.

Things that Make me Sick: I'm still throwing up at least once a week sometimes from coughing, sometimes from bending over. I'm getting tired of it.

37 Weeks (although, the next day my belly looked
so different because he had dropped even lower)

Other symptoms: I'm just generally uncomfortable (not miserable) all of the time. My pelvic pain is either better or I'm just used to it. The round ligament pain is worse though. I've been forcing myself to walk more, but I tire very quickly. My heartburn is worse. I itch all the time, mostly my belly, but all over. I've actually noticed little spots of blood on my body pillow from scratching my belly. Gross. I'm peeing more. I have hemorrhoids. They're awful, but not from constipation; rather from going often. I also had my second yeast infection (I've only ever had one before, so they are definitely pregnancy related. This one, I got rid of without medication (I used organic apple cider vinegar, organic plain yogurt, and organic coconut oil-- sounds gross, but it worked!). My hands fall asleep while I'm sleeping making sleeping even more difficult. I've been on the couch lately. My hands and feet are quite swollen; my feet look like Cabbage Patch Kid feet and my finger joints ache. Again though, none of this is TERRIBLE, just uncomfortable. I'm fairly content right now. Oh! I've also started having Braxton Hicks fairly often. When I'm standing they sometimes hurt and make it difficult to walk.

Pregnancy Brain: I left my hair straightener on. Steve found it.

Miss anything? I would love a bottle of hard apple cider right now. I would also love to roll over or stand up without pain. Or to be able to walk like a normal person.

Best moment: Time with Steve. 

Movement: Cai is a very active baby. The doctor comments on it at every appointment. He gets the hiccups fairly often too! He really does sometimes feel like he's trying to push his way out through my belly. And he likes kicking me under my right rib.

Gender: He's all boy! Two weeks ago the doctor did a quick ultrasound to see if Cai was in position and it was clear that he is ALL BOY.

Happy or moody most of the time?: Content. Struggling sometimes with physical symptoms of anxiety, but not the emotional stuff. Sometimes my heart rate goes up or I feel super fidgety or itchy. Mostly I feel like I can't catch my breath or like I'm really hot. All of this sometimes makes me feel anxious, but not too bad.

Labor signs: I had a doctor's appointment today. I am almost three centimeters dilated and 80% effaced. Cai has dropped pretty low already. She said she could feel his when she checked me internally. She said she doesn't think I'll make it to my due date, but also that she could be wrong. 

Getting Ready for Cai: Other than a few odds and ends Cai's room is ready. I've shared pictures on Facebook, but I'll make a blog post with a source list tomorrow. I'm pretty happy with it. It's a very tiny room, and it sometimes feels a little cramped, but overall I'm happy with it. 

Third Trimester Thoughts

Instead of posting a pregnancy update, I thought I'd share some general (and somewhat random) thoughts and experiences right now.

• I recently joined an infertility support group on Facebook that I found through the blog Sawdust and Embryos (you can read about it here). The group was just started, and everyone has been sharing their battle story. One woman's story struck me so hard. She dealt with years of infertility, finally got pregnant, and went into labor at 38 weeks. But she knew something was wrong, and she and her husband rushed to the hospital only to find out that the baby had no heart beat. An emergency c-section was preformed, but her baby girl had already died about 3-5 hours before she arrived at the hospital. Other women have been sharing their discouragement about multiple IVF attempts failing or working, but ending in miscarriage. Now, I'm not sharing this to be a Debbie-downer, but it really hit me. The whole time we couldn't get pregnant, I thought, "Why us? Why has God chosen us to go through this? Why us?" And now, after reading some of the stories in this group, I'm left thinking, "Why us? Why, Lord, did you choose to give us a baby, and not all of these other couples who want it so badly." Obviously, He knows the answer, and I may never, but it reminds me to continue to be grateful, not that I needed to much reminding, but I'm surprised at how easy it is becoming to take this gift for granted already. 

• On a related note, Cai hasn't even been born yet, and I'm already starting to get nervous about doing a frozen embryo transfer for subsequent babies. It will be hard not just assume it will work since we got pregnant on our first attempt. I know it's silly to worry about it now, (don't get me wrong; I'm not freaking out or anything), but it has crossed my mind. We have four frozen babies left, and it's a strange thought to think we could end up being a family of seven total, or end up having an only child. I'm sure we'll learn to be content either way, but it's a strange thought.

• In general, it's a strange feeling to feel so far beyond all of the pain of infertility, yet still so connected to it. It had become a part of my identity, which isn't really a good thing, and it's strange to feel so far past it. At the same time, I know it's not over, but even if we can't ever get pregnant again, it will be different than it ever was before because we'll have Cai.

• Over the years, every time I heard someone complaining about the third trimester of their pregnancy, I always kind of felt like they must be exaggerating. Especially the complaints about not being able to sleep well. I'm learning very quickly that they are not. I don't sleep well between peeing constantly, having to wake up to roll over, a husband who starts snoring every time I wake up, and my mind running a mile a minute when I try to fall back to sleep. And I'm huge. Seriously, people need to stop telling me that I look like I'm ready to go any minute because that's going to make it really difficult if I go late! I'm also dealing with what I think is Pelvic Girdle Pain which has something to do with the joint in the center of your pelvis getting a little too loose because of the relaxin your body is producing. It makes my legs feel like they're going to kind of wobble off sometimes. It causes pretty significant pain when I roll over, walk up stairs, and walk in general. I've read that wearing my pregnancy support belt can help a little bit. I've also changed the way I sit and how I get in and out of the car or roll over. And I've been doing more pelvic floor exercises because that's supposed to help too. I need to talk to the doctor about it though because it can affect delivery and the position they want you to push in.

• I bought a birthing ball, aka an exercise ball. I've been sitting on it as much as I can instead of sitting on the couch. It's supposed to help in multiple ways including helping with the PGP pain, giving Cai room to turn (he's transverse right now), and help baby engage once he is in the right position. It helps with back pain too. I'm really enjoying using it. The hospital where I deliver will also provide one when I deliver to help with delivery. Here are some of the sources I've used as reference for how to use the ball:

• Natural Birth in Kitsap
• Spinningbabies.com

• I found this tutorial on how to make reusable cloth wipes from flannel sheets. I plan to use cloth wipes at home since we're going to try to use cloth diapers. It seems to make sense since it would be annoying to throw wipes away in on pail and cloth diapers for washing in a separate pail. It makes sense to throw them all in the same spot. On the same note, my aunt and uncle bought me this diaper pail that I registered for which is supposed to be great and can work for cloth or disposable diapers and doesn't require and special bags. 

• Heartburn is ridiculous. Last night I was actually afraid it would burn a hole in my esophagus. And I'm still throwing up some days. I actually threw up in my driveway this week because I didn't think I could make it to the bathroom. 

• I really want to buy this for Cai because I love flannel and babies in flannel= stinking adorable.

• I'm perpetually hungry. Like ALL. THE. TIME. It's a little annoying.

• I'm loving my husband's new schedule. I actually get to see him for significant amounts of time. Today, for example, he stopped after work to pick up some things, grab dinner for us, and get his hair cut, and he's still home an hour before he would have been at Walmart. I love it.

• My stretch marks are ridiculously ridiculous. There is no describing how gross they look. I keep telling myself, "oh well."

• As I mentioned earlier, Cai is transverse right now. He was head down at my thirty week ultrasound, so the doctor hasn't really said anything, but it makes me a little nervous. It also means that at any given moment his little but or his little head is trying to bust out of my tummy creating a huge lump and some pain. It's awesome seeing my whole belly move when he does, but boy can it be uncomfortable. Last night I switched from the bed to the couch and when I laid down, the side of my belly wasn't quite touching the couch. Cai kicked really hard and I swear it felt like he was trying to stand on the couch. I'm convinced he's an abnormally strong baby.

• My college roommate got married last weekend in England (where her husband is from) and is having an American ceremony in Eerie this weekend. I'm so excited for her, but I'm really sad because we won't be able to make it. Steve has to work the day of the wedding, and we decided it probably wasn't smart for me to drive up there by myself at this point (especially because we are without insurance until the first of the month because of the job change). On a brighter note, because we couldn't make it, Steve's brother and his family are visiting this weekend. Steve will have to work for some of the time that they're here, but not so much that they won't be able to spend time with him. I'm looking forward to seeing them.

I think that's it for the rambling right now. Thanks for reading!

Pregnancy Update: 32 Weeks

How far along: 32 weeks! 5 to go until I'm full term, 8 until I'm a full 40 weeks

Showing: I'm waddling. I

Weight Gain: 22 lbs.+  I'm not sure how much past that I am right now.

Maternity Clothes: Yes.

Food I'm Eating/Craving: Everything

Things that Make me Sick: Bending over to put laundry in the washer or dryer. The smell of some of the bouquets of flowers left over from my shower (My sister bough a gazillion flowers).

Other symptoms: Still muscle/round ligament pain in the lower sides of my belly off and on. Back pain. Fatigue, Not sleeping. Started having crazy dreams again including one about crazy looking porcupines that attacked me. Oh, and one where I was taking care of a baby (I don't think it was mine, and I seemed to be still living at home with my family), and my youngest sister didn't think I should be breast feeding it because all I was eating for breakfast was an English muffin. So one morning, she took the baby before I woke up, and when I woke up I literally attacked her and started screaming in her face that it was my decision not hers. Geez.

Pregnancy Brain: I just left the oven on. Luckily Steve saw it.

Miss anything? I've always been a light sweat-er. Some days I could get away with not wearing deodorant. I miss that. Sometimes I can still smell my pits in the shower after I've soaped up, so I have to wash them again. And I'm soaked with sweat ten minutes after leaving the shower. Sigh. 

Best moment: Steve has off this weekend at his new job. Plus he was home by 4:30 on Friday, so I feel like he had off Friday too. It's SO nice to have him home!

Movement:  My son is violent. I think he's convinced that if he pushes against my belly hard enough, he'll be able to pop right through. It hurts.

Gender: It's a boy! Cai Alexander.

Happy or moody most of the time?: Mood swings are still better, but I had some major anxiety yesterday for several hours. My heart rate went up; I couldn't seem to cool off; and I couldn't sit still. At one point I called my best friend and asked her to tell me some funny stories about her sons to distract me. It helped, and I was so thankful that I happened to catch her while they were riding the train at the zoo, so she was able to talk. By the time Steve came home though, I was a little frantic and didn't know what to do with myself. His presence helped, and later in the evening he took me out to eat just for a change of scenery.

Getting Ready for Cai: The alphabet wall is done (pictures coming soon). I still have this urge to go out and buy at least some of the things we still need (rather than buy it all at once), but I haven't gotten the green light from Steve yet. I just want everything to be settled. I really think I'm going to end up going early, although not too early hopefully. Because of Steve's job change we are without insurance until November 1st, so we're hoping that nothing eventful happens before then. I won't be full term before then anyway, so I should be fine, but it's still a little nerve-wracking.

Pregnancy Update: 31 Weeks

How far along: 31 weeks! 6 to go until I'm full term, 9 until I'm a full 40 weeks

Showing: I'm huge. At my shower we played a game where people had to cut a string to the length it would take to go around my belly, and everyone guessed bigger. My aunt guessed TWICE as long as it really needed to be.

Weight Gain: 22 lbs.  I'm definitely gaining faster now, but I still feel fairly good about the total. My face and legs are blowing up like balloons!

Maternity Clothes: Yes.

Food I'm Eating/Craving: Pumpkin bread and perogies, but none of these are major cravings. I'm having a hard time drinking enough water this week.

Things that Make me Sick: The doctor says the gagging and nausea I'm still experiencing is probably from reflux at this point. She gave me some suggestions for things that would help including papaya which has an enzyme that can reduce acid. Pretty cool.

Other symptoms: Round ligament pain in my lower belly when I walk. It's not every day, but when I have it it's REALLY painful. The belly band I bought really helps. I'm definitely having a harder time sleeping between the Restless Leg Syndrome and general aches (not to mention the bed-hogging dog and the snoring husband). Fatigue. 

Pregnancy Brain: Just little things.

Miss anything? Energy. Not waking up to pee multiple times.

Best moment: My baby shower was this week, and it was wonderful. It was so nice to see everyone, and I felt so blessed!

Movement:  He's definitely getting stronger, and more people have been able to feel him now including my dad, Steve's mom and sisters, and Steve's cousin's daughter. 

Gender: It's a boy! Cai Alexander.

Happy or moody most of the time?: Mood swings and anxiety are WAY better right now. Plus, things are back in order in the house and the nursery is on its way to being finished (all thanks to Katie), so it's easier to be relaxed. I feel like I can really enjoy the rest of my pregnancy.

Getting Ready for Cai: The walls and trim are painted; clothes and blankets are washed and put away; the closet is on its way to being organized. I'll be sharing how I made his mobile soon as well as the alphabet wall I'm putting up above his dresser, so you can look for that in upcoming posts. 

Ridiculous Things My Husband Says During My Pregnancy: Part 6

Steve: So what are your plans for today? Sit around and grow a baby?

Ridiculous Things My Husband Says During My Pregnancy: Part 5

Me: What would we do if the baby was born and was allergic to Finn.

Steve: We'd have to sell the baby. Finn was here first.

Me: Sigh.

Steve: Babies aren't allergic to dogs.

Ridiculous Things My Husband Says During My Pregnancy: Part 4

Let me set the scene for this one. We're sitting in the triage room at the hospital waiting for my non-stress test to be finished. The doctors just told us that the bleeding I've been having isn't anything to worry about, and Steve is texting our family members to let them know Cai and I are okay. I think this one wins for most ridiculous.

Steve: I should find a picture of a premature baby and text it to everyone.

Me: THAT WOULD BE HORRIBLE!

Steve; It would be hilarious!

In his defense, I think he was overcome with relief and had taken leave of his senses. I tattled on him to his mom. She was not amused. He giggled and said, "That would have been funny."

Pregnancy Update: 30 Weeks {And a Hospital Visit}

Warning: For some of you, this post is a little TMI, but again, when I'm googling things because I'm freaking out, this is the kind of honest stuff I want to read.

Today started off with quite a bit of excitement, not the good kind. I woke up at 2:30 this morning and discovered that I was bleeding lightly. I immediately panicked and woke Steve up. We were both dressed and ready to go to the ER before I got in touch with my doctor. Because it wasn't heavy, and I wasn't in pain, she told me to just wait until my appointment on Monday, unless it became worse.

Of course I couldn't sleep then, so I watched TV on the couch for an hour or two before I finally fell asleep. We had planned to visit a church this morning, and I was really looking forward to it because many of my coworkers attend there, but when I started to get ready for church, I discovered I had passed some clots, though none of this was bright red. I called my mom first, and she agreed that I should call the doctor again. 

This time the doctor told me to go to labor and delivery and that she would call ahead. So we did. All this time I was in no pain and could still feel Cai moving quite regularly.

Basically, they discovered that I have a polyp on my cervix. They don't know why it started bleeding because I couldn't think of anything I had done that would have started it, except maybe that I had started some of the Bradley method exercises the day or two before. I didn't know I had a polyp on my cervix which was another surprise; usually that's something that would have been discovered before. My doctor later told the resident doctor that she's had several pregnant women over the years who have them just appear then disappear during labor. They were relieved to find out that the polyp seemed to be external and was not protruding from inside my cervix which could have indicated that I was beginning to dilate. The resident told me that the nice thing about having one during pregnancy is that it will probably fall off during labor and I won't have to have it removed.

They did a non-stress test, and everything was fine. Cai was so active that sometimes his heart beat would become super quite because he was moving from one side of my belly to the other. It was kind of neat for Steve to be able to hear every time Cai kicked. 

It was a nerve-wracking couple of hours, but praise the Lord, everything is fine. We're very thankful for the people who were praying for us.  It was a relief to be told we were okay and a relief to know that there was an explainable reason for the bleeding.

It was also really nice to get some experience with the hospital. A friend of our family's who I haven't seen in a long time is one of the nurses there, and it was wonderful to see her. Both doctors I saw were nice as well as the triage nurse and the ladies at the front desk. It was comforting to know that that's where I'll be in less than two months.

How far along: 30 weeks! 7 to go until I'm full term, 10 until I'm a full 40 weeks

Showing: I'm huge.

Weight Gain: I'll find out for sure tomorrow. I  have a feeling I'm around 18 now. I want all the food.

Maternity Clothes: Yes. Bought some new jeans and a tshirt today, and Steve bought me some gym shorts so I'll stop stealing his.

Food I'm Eating/Craving: Pumpkin. Sweets (the opposite of my first two trimesters). White grape juice.

Things that Make me Sick: Morning sickness. Threw up once this week. 

Other symptoms: Back pain. Fatigue. Soreness in my belly if I walk too much (I bought one of those support bands, and it has a rice bag that fits inside it so you can put hot or cool packs on your back! It should arrive tomorrow).  Restless Leg Syndrom. Falling asleep the past three or four nights has been very difficult because every time I drift off I feel the need to kick or scratch my legs. It's yucky.

Pregnancy Brain: Nothing major this week. My sister and I are quite a pair, between my preggo brain and her fuzzy Lyme disease brain. 

Miss anything? Sleeping on my stomach or back. Energy.

Best moment: Feeling Cai kick at 2:30 this morning after I discovered I was bleeding. It was so reassuring.

Movement:  Constantly. Some days more than others, but even then it's most of the time. I compared him to an octopus earlier this week. He is definitely his father's son. I'm pretty sure he's drumming and playing football in there.

Gender: It's a boy! Cai Alexander.

Happy or moody most of the time?: Not as many mood swings this week. Some stress over getting the house into shape before my shower. I also had one day where I seemed to have the Restless Leg Syndrom all over my body. I felt like I couldn't sit still. 

Getting Ready for Cai: Things are starting to be put back together with little thanks to me. Katie has done most of the work. Her new bedroom is finished and put back together. Cai's room is empty and should be finished by Tuesday. Wednesday we plan to have a general cleaning day and get the house put back together. I'm so ready to not be living in a mess. Finn's hair is taking over the house!

Still no bump picture. I figure I'll want to share tomorrow's ultrasound pics, so I'll just post a belly picture then. 

Ridiculous Things My Husband Says During My Pregnancy: Part 3

Me: I'm so hungry today. I've been eating like it's my job.

Steve: That is your job right now isn't it?

Me: Sigh. I guess it is.

Pregnancy Update: 29 Weeks

How far along: 29 weeks. About 11ish to go 

Showing: Am I ever! My mom keeps saying, "You look like you're ready to go!" Thanks, Mom.

Weight Gain: I think 16 lbs., but I'm not sure.

Maternity Clothes: Yes. I've been wearing Steve's gym shorts often. He doesn't like that. And today I'm wearing a  maternity tank that was mom's. I found it years ago and saved it!

Food I'm Eating/Craving: Chocolate milkshakes. Sweets. Pumpkin spice anything. Everything. I'm hungry all the time.

Things that Make me Sick: I throw up or gag every time I bend over. Getting wash in and out of the dryer is torture. I'm generally sick in the morning too.

Other symptoms: I've got quite a bit of back pain, upper and lower. Sleeping is difficult between getting up to pee and arm/shoulder pain on whatever side I'm sleeping on. I'm tired and nauseous again, like my first trimester. I'm hot constantly. My blood pressure seems to have gone back down to what it was pre-pregnancy which was low, but still normal (it has generally been right around perfect during pregnancy, but even that is higher than normal for me). Still struggling with some anxiety/fidgetiness especially in the evening when my legs get restless. Oh, and I'm convinced that I smell ALL THE TIME. Between being hot and all of the hormones, I feel like I smell as soon as I get out of the shower.

Pregnancy Brain: Let's see; I left the oven on once; I left my purse in the car when I went into Panera; I left my purse at Subway and didn't realize it until I got home. And I keep finding half finished glasses of water all over the house, but I think Katie and Steve have something to do with that too.

Miss anything? Sleeping on my stomach or back. 

Best moment: I honestly can't think of a particular moment right now. I've generally just been content most of the time. 

Movement:  Constantly. I swear this boy is trying to push his way out of my side. Sometimes you can see a lump on my belly from his head or his butt pushing against me. He's quite a stinker. My mom has finally felt him move which made her SUPER happy. Last night he kept kicking my bladder so hard that it hurt significantly. It freaked me out a little bit, but he must have shifted again through the night because not only did he stop hurting me, but I also didn't have to pee as often last night.

Gender: It's a boy! Cai Alexander.

Happy or moody most of the time?: Other than occasionally feeling restless and like I'm going to crawl out of my skin, I have been less moody lately. I'm a little irritable, but have only had one night in the past two weeks when I wanted to (and did) burst into tears.

Getting Ready for Cai: My house is currently ATROCIOUS. There isn't really a clean room in the house. We've got baby stuff and the baby's dresser in the living room. The dining room table is covered with stuff that we have pulled from other places in the house that either needs to find a new home or be donated or trashed. Katie's bedroom (future nursery) is torn apart because she's getting ready to move out of it. The spare bedroom (Katie's future room) is being painted, and she has torn all of the carpet up in order to start putting some hardwood laminate flooring down (that's why there's no belly photo this week. The mirror has moved to an inconvenient spot). Some of the furniture from that room is spilling into the hallway. The bathrooms are tolerable, but haven't been cleaned well because we've been focusing on other things, Same for our bedroom. The basement is getting there. And the laundry room is today's goal. I'm on my third or fourth load of regular laundry today. I've been behind because I spent the past week washing couch covers, curtains, throw pillows/blankets, chair covers, etc. I feel like things are progressing, but it's a little overwhelming how much we need to do to get things back in order. SO thankful for Katie and Steve and Tyler (although he's getting paid), and my mom says she'll help me out later this week. Phew! *Since I first started writing this, Katie has nearly finished the flooring, so we will be moving furniture this week and hopefully beginning to paint Cai's room!*

Ridiculous Things My Husband Says During My Pregnancy: Part 2

Me: Ouch.

Steve: What's the matter?

Me: He kicked me, and it hurt.

Steve: Tell him to stop. Pats my belly and yells. Hey, you in there, stop kicking your Momma! Cut that out!

What You Want to Know about Our IVF Experience (But Were Afraid to Ask)

Over the past several months I've had a few people ask some good questions about what IVF means and how it works for us. Most of these people were people we are close with, so they were able to ask us things that other's might not. Others were people who are considering fertility treatments themselves. I thought I'd take the time to answer some of those questions and give people the opportunity to ask others without worrying about offending us or making us uncomfortable.

How much did it cost?
In total, the whole shebang cost us approximately $14,000. We didn't h
ave to pay that all at once though. The package our fertility specialist provided for one round of IVF (you can actually pay for two or three rounds at once at a discounted price, but if you get pregnant the first time; you've paid for three and only used one) cost about $9,500. That was with a discount because I'm a full time teacher. We had to pay all of that up front. There were some thing that were not included in that original price including the mock embryo transfer and a few of the ultrasounds. Our insurance covered little to none of the meds I needed, so they cost over $1000 total. After our eggs were fertilized, we also had to pay a storage fee for each of the four remaining embryos. Those are the major costs I can think of right now.

How did you come up with the money for it?
People pay for fertility treatments in different ways because very few insurance companies provided much coverage for what are considered "unnecessary" procedures. I know of some people who saved for years and others who started gofundme.com or similar accounts and asked other people to help them out. We actually ended up withdrawing most of the money needed up front from Steve's 401k. We were able to do this without penalty because his 401k allowed for a certain amount of withdraw from medical procedures not covered by insurance. The rest we paid out of pocket as the bills came up.

Did you use a sperm or egg donor?
This questions surprised me and was actually what inspired me to write this post. I didn't realize that people would wonder about that. Because our infertility issues centered mainly around that fact that I don't ovulate like a normal person (I have plenty of eggs, they just don't get released), we had no need to use either donor eggs or donor sperm. In other words, biologically, Cai is fully Querns/Templeton.

Is your pregnancy considered high risk?
No. Once the doctor heard the heart beat, our pregnancy was considered completely normal. If both embryos had implanted, having twins would have placed me as high risk, but because this is a singleton pregnancy, we are totally normal now.

What will you do with the remaining embryos?
This was a huge concern for me. I had read about women who had far more eggs harvested than we did, and I was afraid we'd end up with more embryos than we could conceivably use in a lifetime. Because Steve and I believe that life begins when sperm and egg meet, this would have presented some major ethical dilemmas for us as we would consider discarding those embryos as abortion. Thankfully, only nine eggs were harvested; eight successfully developed into embryos; two were used in this, our first attempt at IVF; one implanted and resulted in this pregnancy; four are frozen for our future use. The hope is that all four of those embryos will survive the thawing process in the future and result in two more pregnancies with one or two babies each.

Does that mean you won't try to get pregnant naturally?
Some people say that getting pregnant helps to correct fertility issues caused by PCOS. As much as I would love for this to be true, we have decided that we will be using some form of birth control (probably something on the more natural side) to prevent that from happening because we basically have four more babies already in existence. This doesn't mean it won't happen, but that would be totally God's doing and not ours.

Other than discarding the embryos or using them, what else could you do with them?
We could offer our frozen embryos up for adoption to a family who cannot conceive on their own. This is something we have talked about, but unless God would put a specific situation in our paths and on our hearts, we do not feel it is something we want to do. These are our babies.

What fertility doctor did you use and would your recommend him?
We went with Dr. Peters in Asbury, NJ (he also has a Bethlehem, PA office) who is a part of Sher Fertility, a respected fertility chain (look them up at www.haveababy.com). We chose him originally because his new office is on the floor above my dad's office. My dad is building inspector and actually did some of the inspection on Dr. Peters's new office; he was very impressed with the doctor and told him about us and us about him. We decided to make an appointment and were impressed with both him and all of his staff. A frustration we had with the other reproductive endocrinologist we had tried years ago was the office and nursing staff (we liked the doctor herself), so this was a big deal to me in particular. We also liked the way Dr. Peters explained everything to us in an understandable way. He was forthright about our issues and options and encouraging about what he recommended we do. I would not only recommend Dr. Peters himself, but also Sher fertility as whole. They have several offices throughout the country, and I am impressed with their results and their attitude (seen through what they and their patients post on their Facebook page).

Do you expect any problems in or after your pregnancy due to PCOS?
I've read about different things that PCOS and other aspects of my hormone imbalance could cause, but haven't had any major problems because of them yet. I did have anti-thyroid antibodies that put me at a slightly elevated risk of early miscarriage, but obviously that didn't happen (I plan to go to an endocrinologist after the baby is born because I'm sure I have thyroid issues). I could have issues with breastfeeding like low milk supply or really high milk supply. I may be more likely to deliver a little early rather than go past my due date. I am more likely to gain excess weigh (which is why I've made such a big deal about the relatively low amount I've gained so far) and to have gestational diabetes (which is why I'm nervous about my glucose test). I also may struggle more with losing the baby weight afterward.

I know there are more questions out there, but I can't think of them at the moment. If you have any you would like to add, either because you just want to know, you've been through it already and have been asked those questions, or you're thinking about doing IVF yourself, please feel free to  The whole point of the infertility aspect of this blog is to help others going through it, so please don't worry about asking an awkward question.

Ridiculous Things My Husband Says During My Pregnancy: Part 1

Me: Rolling over in bed  with my great big body pillow

Steve: I know, Finn, when Mommy rolls over it's like an earthquake.

Me: What?!

Steve: Nothing. I'm just talking to Finn.

Pregnancy Update: 27 Weeks

How far along: 27 weeks. About 13ish to go (holy sh**). Hello, third trimester!

Showing: Haha! My belly pushes my laptop off of my lap making it difficult to even type without a pillow on my lap.

Weight Gain: I think 14 lbs.

Maternity Clothes: Yes, but today I'm wearing my non maternity yoga pants and loving them.

Food I'm Eating/Craving: More blackberries. I love Simply Raspberry Lemonade.

Things that Make me Sick: Bending over, coughing too hard, and gross things like emptying the drain catch in the kitchen sink.

Other symptoms: I'm feeling huge and achey right now. I feel like my belly can't stretch any farther. I'm peeing CONSTANTLY; sometimes having to go immediately after walking out of the bathroom. One weird thing happened this week that I need to ask my doctor about; I woke up to pee at like quarter to five the other night, and just as I was drifting back to sleep my heart started POUNDING. I wasn't short of breath or anything though. So I got up and used our little blood pressure monitor. My blood pressure was normal but my pulse was 128. It stayed that high for like five minutes then dropped back down to the eighties which is where it normally is. It was weird and freaked me out, but it hasn't happened again. I get short of breath more easily now too; I think because the baby is putting pressure on my diaphragm.

Pregnancy Brain: I loaded and put soap in the dishwasher and didn't realize until the next day when I tried to empty it that I never turned it on.

Miss anything? Sleeping on my stomach or back. 

Best moment: Laughing with Steve. He thinks all of my annoying symptoms are hilarious.

Movement:  Yes. A ton at the beginning of the week. A little less often now. I think maybe he's going through a growth spurt right now (which is accurate according to the baby apps).

Gender: It's a boy! Cai Alexander.

Happy or moody most of the time?: Mood swings were less this week, but I had a rough day yesterday. Life is still kind of up in the air right now too. One minute I think we're not moving and the next I don't know again. I'm ready for some stability. Some of my irritability has gotten better (I've been super annoyed with my mother and grandmother lately), and I'm actually okay with being touched. I noticed that yesterday when my mom was rubbing my back and I didn't want to punch her, haha. She was feeling sorry for me because I was so uncomfortable last night while we played cards.