April 27, 2012

Disappointment is an Understatement

I've been meaning to post this for the past week or so, but I'm not quite sure what I want to say. It seems like almost everyone knew about our REALLY Big News, and I'm sure everyone now knows about the quick turn of events that took. In case you don't, and because writing it down will hopefully serve to help me further process it, here is the timeline of events.

April 3 (I think, I have the date written down somewhere)- We found out about a young woman, a friend of a friend, who was six months pregnant and wanted to give her baby up for private adoption. She had heard about us, and, if we were interested, would like to talk to us.

April 6- Talked to the mother on the phone. We were impressed with her love for her baby and her overall attitude and demeanor. Ended the conversation with her telling us that she would get back to us after taking some time to consider us.

April 10- Talked to the mother again. She was confident that she wanted us to adopt her son. She said she was sleeping better now that she had talked to us.

April 11- We called an adoption attorney and announced the adoption to friends and family. We also picked out a name and started planning, and even a little purchasing for the baby.

April 12- I texted the mother to see how her doctor's appointment had gone the day before. She had promised to send us an ultrasound picture, and I was anxious to see it. She replied with one word, "unexpected." When asked how so, she told us that the doctor discovered that she is having twins. This changed the decision for her, and she asked for time to rethink her decision. After making sure that she knew we were more than willing to have twins, we told her to take the time she needed and that we would be praying for her and the babies.

April 17- The mother texted Steve and told her that she could not give up the twins.

Poor Steve wanted to wait until he was with me to tell me, but I insisted he tell me while I was driving to small group. By the time I got to the church, I broke down completely. I took Wednesday off from work because I knew I couldn't function.

It's a strange sort of grief because the babies haven't died, they are still alive and healthy. They weren't physically taken away from us because we never had them in the first place. But it was awful none the less.

I still can't stop thinking about them. I pray for the mother and her family constantly. Everyone keeps saying to me, "How does she think she can handle two if she couldn't handle one," but honestly, I don't judge her decision. It is clear to me that she loves her children, and I'm sure she is doing what she feels is best for everyone. I'm not angry with her in any way.

I've been spending the last week or so evaluating my emotions in all of this and what I've learned from it.
I've learned that

  • Steve and I have a plethora of friends and family who are praying continually for us, hurting with us, and loving us from both near and far. If I haven't already said thank you, I'm saying it now. Thank you!
  • I have the most amazing husband in the world, who, when I asked him how he was feeling said, "Sad. Disappointed. And in love with you."
  • God is showing me that my life doesn't need to fit in a nicely wrapped little box. I had such a firmly set idea about how we should build our family and what the order of events should be, down to how we would tell friends and family we were expecting. All this time I've been obsessed with getting pregnant while at the same time saying "we'd like to adopt some day no matter what." Right now, I'd almost rather adopt this instant than find out today that I'm pregnant. This is a strange change for me, as I have looked forward to and been in awe of pregnancy since I was young enough to understand it.
  • God can use situations like this to change our hearts and goals, not only as I mentioned above, but also in that Steve and I are now fully on the same page regarding having children. Previously, I wanted a baby and he would be happy to have one, but was also totally happy without one. Now we both want one.
  • It's strange, but I have more hope now. This has shown me, or rather reminded me, that a baby can come at any time, from anywhere. We are definitely interested in a private adoption and are keeping our eyes open for another opportunity. It's strange though, we are still kind of on hold, just in case something would happen to change the mother's mind again. We are not counting on it, or even hoping for it, just being aware that it's a possibility.
  • Obedience. Between this and another recent situation in my life, God is teaching me to be willing to obey even if it's difficult or unexpected or scary.
I probably have a thousand more things to say about the topic, but I'm going to end here for now. Continued prayers for us and the babies and their mother would be appreciated. 





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