I'm blue. The blueness so pervades my life right now that it's hard to tell if normal feelings are periodically overshadowed by the blueness or if the blueness is periodically brightened by normal feelings. I'm not miserable or anything. Not depressed. Just blue. Especially when life gets overwhelming and busy or really quiet and slow.
I just packed up a package for the mother of the twins (if you don't know the whole story, read it here). I bought her a little gift package as a thank you right after she originally gave us the okay. I'm shipping it to my sister-in-law who is passing it along to her friend who is passing it along to the mom. I wrote her a little note too. A note to tell her I'm still praying for her and that we hold no bad feelings. And that we support her decision.
Everybody keeps saying to me, "If she thought she couldn't handle one baby, what makes her think she can handle two?" Or "This must be a selfish decision." I won't make that judgement. Maybe it is a selfish decision. Or maybe having twins made her realize that she was being selfish in the first place. Maybe it's neither of these. I cannot imagine being in her position, and I will NOT judge whether she is making a good decision or a bad one.
Am I still hoping she'll change her mind? Yes. I love those babies. We love those babies. We've named those babies. Bought outfits for them. Planned their nursery. Made blankets for them. Planned to rearrange our lives for them. I started writing a journal to them.
Did I mention they're being born on my birthday? We heard through the grape vine that they are scheduled to be born via C-section. On my birthday. How's that for a kick in the butt. Ug. I wish I could take that as a sign to keep hoping. Sigh.
I keep reminding myself of the scriptures I have listed here on this page. Of the promises God has given me. Of the love I know He has for me. Unfathomable love. I have to cling to that. His love is clear to me when I see the people he has put in my life, most importantly my amazing husband. I couldn't ask for better.