Disappointment is an Understatement

I've been meaning to post this for the past week or so, but I'm not quite sure what I want to say. It seems like almost everyone knew about our REALLY Big News, and I'm sure everyone now knows about the quick turn of events that took. In case you don't, and because writing it down will hopefully serve to help me further process it, here is the timeline of events.

April 3 (I think, I have the date written down somewhere)- We found out about a young woman, a friend of a friend, who was six months pregnant and wanted to give her baby up for private adoption. She had heard about us, and, if we were interested, would like to talk to us.

April 6- Talked to the mother on the phone. We were impressed with her love for her baby and her overall attitude and demeanor. Ended the conversation with her telling us that she would get back to us after taking some time to consider us.

April 10- Talked to the mother again. She was confident that she wanted us to adopt her son. She said she was sleeping better now that she had talked to us.

April 11- We called an adoption attorney and announced the adoption to friends and family. We also picked out a name and started planning, and even a little purchasing for the baby.

April 12- I texted the mother to see how her doctor's appointment had gone the day before. She had promised to send us an ultrasound picture, and I was anxious to see it. She replied with one word, "unexpected." When asked how so, she told us that the doctor discovered that she is having twins. This changed the decision for her, and she asked for time to rethink her decision. After making sure that she knew we were more than willing to have twins, we told her to take the time she needed and that we would be praying for her and the babies.

April 17- The mother texted Steve and told her that she could not give up the twins.

Poor Steve wanted to wait until he was with me to tell me, but I insisted he tell me while I was driving to small group. By the time I got to the church, I broke down completely. I took Wednesday off from work because I knew I couldn't function.

It's a strange sort of grief because the babies haven't died, they are still alive and healthy. They weren't physically taken away from us because we never had them in the first place. But it was awful none the less.

I still can't stop thinking about them. I pray for the mother and her family constantly. Everyone keeps saying to me, "How does she think she can handle two if she couldn't handle one," but honestly, I don't judge her decision. It is clear to me that she loves her children, and I'm sure she is doing what she feels is best for everyone. I'm not angry with her in any way.

I've been spending the last week or so evaluating my emotions in all of this and what I've learned from it.
I've learned that

• Steve and I have a plethora of friends and family who are praying continually for us, hurting with us, and loving us from both near and far. If I haven't already said thank you, I'm saying it now. Thank you!
• I have the most amazing husband in the world, who, when I asked him how he was feeling said, "Sad. Disappointed. And in love with you."
• God is showing me that my life doesn't need to fit in a nicely wrapped little box. I had such a firmly set idea about how we should build our family and what the order of events should be, down to how we would tell friends and family we were expecting. All this time I've been obsessed with getting pregnant while at the same time saying "we'd like to adopt some day no matter what." Right now, I'd almost rather adopt this instant than find out today that I'm pregnant. This is a strange change for me, as I have looked forward to and been in awe of pregnancy since I was young enough to understand it.
• God can use situations like this to change our hearts and goals, not only as I mentioned above, but also in that Steve and I are now fully on the same page regarding having children. Previously, I wanted a baby and he would be happy to have one, but was also totally happy without one. Now we both want one.
• It's strange, but I have more hope now. This has shown me, or rather reminded me, that a baby can come at any time, from anywhere. We are definitely interested in a private adoption and are keeping our eyes open for another opportunity. It's strange though, we are still kind of on hold, just in case something would happen to change the mother's mind again. We are not counting on it, or even hoping for it, just being aware that it's a possibility.
• Obedience. Between this and another recent situation in my life, God is teaching me to be willing to obey even if it's difficult or unexpected or scary.

I probably have a thousand more things to say about the topic, but I'm going to end here for now. Continued prayers for us and the babies and their mother would be appreciated. 

Our REALLY Big News

Most of you have already heard our REALLY big news already, but I wanted to tell the whole story on here in case anybody wanted to know the details.

Background

Four years ago, Steve and I decided that we were in the point in our marriage where we wanted a baby. However, I have something called Poly-cystic Ovary Syndrome which makes getting pregnant without fertility aids extremely difficult. We originally went to a fertility doctor, but after spending a thousand dollars in one month, without any help from insurance, we realized that this wasn't the direction for us. More importantly, I realized that my attitude had been wrong from the get-go. I had kind of been thinking that I could just go to the doctor, go on some fertility medication to promote ovulation, and that would solve everything. I did not go directly to God in prayer. So we backed off from doctor's visits all together and have relied on prayer and some natural alternatives. 

We have been through an emotional roller coaster over the past four years. Every month brings hope, then despair. Every announcement of a friend or family member having a baby brought joy and sadness. Saying that it has been difficult, for me especially, is an understatement. Knowing that there are women out there who have been going through this for far longer than we have, or who have dealt with miscarriage also, I know our story seems mild in comparison. Going through it was not easy. 

About a month ago, I sat with Steve and told him that I wanted to start seriously considering adoption. This ache for a baby is so overwhelming, that at times I feel like I can't breathe. Though adoption is something we have always wanted to do, not matter what, Steve didn't feel the press to consider that option right now the way I did. He suggested we start saving money to do this in the future. I began praying then and there that if God wanted us to adopt he would make it very clear to us.

Fast forward to last week. The two of us were sitting on the couch watching The Muppet Movie, of all things, when Steve announced a text from his parents. A friend of a friend of the family is six months pregnant with a little boy and wants a private adoption. Are we interested? 

Since then, everything has just flown! 

There have been so many little things that point to God's hand so clearly being in this. For one thing, the situation is VERY similar to the situation surrounding Tyler's adoption.  When I shared the details with him, he said, "Well that sounds familiar!" He now thinks they are like twins thirteen years a part! We even already planned our yearly camping trip to the area where the baby will be born for the week he is due! So there's no finagling of our schedules needed in order to be up there on time. I had also planned to renovate the room that will be the baby's room during this summer (it currently has stained pink carpet in it), and had started saving for the renovations a few weeks before this. The baby's birth mother also has a feeling of peace since speaking to us. The list of "God things" goes on!

Right now, we are working on getting all of the legal side of things in order. If you would like specific things to be praying for, the following is a list of prayer requests:

• A healthy baby!
• The baby's birth mother, that God would bless her and help her through this difficult time.
• Continued discernment for the mother, and Steve and me.
• Strength and energy as we not only put the baby's room together, but also plan for Steve's sister to move in with us, a plan that was already in place before this.
• Financial concerns- this was so sudden and unexpected that we do not have any money set aside for attorney fees, baby furniture, etc. 
• The legal process.
• The baby's father.
• Time management- the next few weeks will be crazy busy for us!
• Peace, for both Steve and me as we are overwhelmed (in a good way) emotionally and are soon to be overwhelmed physically.
• Our relationship with the mother and her family leading up to the adoption. 
• My time with the mother during the delivery; at this point it seems like I will be able to be with her for the actual delivery, and I may be the ONLY person with her.

Thank you all for your prayers and support!