A Year Ago Today...

A year ago today, around this same time in the evening, Steve and I sat on the couch in our living room and listened to a voice mail. The original call had come around two early that day, but I refused to listen to it until we were together. We snuggled on the couch, held each other's hands and listened.

Our nurse Kristine's voice rang out,  "Hello, Lorena..." I didn't really have to hear the rest, her tone of voice was enough, but just to be sure, I listened on. "We got the results of your beta back. You are pregnant! Congratulations!" We hugged each other and cried, and our world changed forever.

Five and half years of waiting was finally over.

And the past year has been filled with ups and downs, like any year (IVF, Steve's promotion to Philly, Steve's being moved to Reading, selling our house, not selling our house, leaving my job to be a mom, Steve taking a new job, HAVING A BABY), but I can honestly say that it has probably been the best year of my life. I think I can even say that it has been the best year of our life. Steve and I have grown even closer and our marriage has become even stronger.

Our little Cai turns four months old tomorrow, and he certainly fits the meaning of his name, "rejoice", both because he makes us rejoice and because he is such a joyful baby.

I've been mentally writing another post about infertility and the continuing effects it still has on us, but right now, I just want to rejoice.

Thank you , Lord, for all that you have given.

Not So Smoothie Saturday

I intended to share another smoothie with you today, but because of the stomach bug I've had for the past three days, a smoothie is one of the last things I felt like making this morning. Instead, I'm just sharing an IVF update.

The only nice thing (if we're looking for a nice thing) about having this stomach thing and not being able to eat much is that it knocked my weight down a few pounds which is nice considering the meds I'm on/will be on soon will most likely make me gain a few pounds. Considering I'm already overweight, that's something I'm trying really hard to avoid, at least until it's the weight of a baby. :0)

I had some tests done this week; blood work and ultrasounds and such. I learned that I have a nice, clean uterus and ovaries. I currently have no cysts or fibroids or other issues. That particular ultrasound wasn't super fun. It was internal and included two different catheters. One of the catheters was a mock embryo transfer, so although it wasn't exactly comfortable, it was nice to know exactly what that will feel like and that it wasn't terrible.  It all went really quickly; in fact, when I went back out to the waiting room to call Steve in, he thought I had just been taking awhile to give a urine sample and had no idea that I was done with the ultrasound already. Overall, that was all good news.

After the ultrasound we spent some time with nurse learning all about how to do the injections I will need. I will be on four different injectable meds and each one is slightly different. The first of those injectable meds arrives this week (we didn't order them all at once because insurance isn't covering any of them and the nurse recommends applying for discounts for some of the others before ordering...I don't start those meds until later in the month anyway). My med protocol includes the following:

Dexamethasone (oral)- a low-steroid to keep my body from attacking the embryo once it is transferred to my body. I'll take this throughout almost the entire process.
Birth control- to prevent cysts on the ovaries. I'll take this for almost two weeks.
Lupron (injection)- lowers estrogen levels, shrinks uterine lining, prevents ovulation. I'll be on this for over two weeks.
Menopur (injection)- a stimulation med to help follicle growth. This one comes with two vials that need to be mixed. According to my current calender, I'll only be on that for six days, every other day. I say "current calender" because I will receive further instructions at the end of the month depending on how things go and when my egg retrieval is.
Gonal F (or follistim depending on whether we can get a discount or not) (injection)- another stimulation med. This one is nice because it's in the form of a pen. I just need to dial the right dose, just like you would with an insulin pen. I'll be on this for about a week.
HCG Trigger shot (injection)- this one needs to be mixed too. I only take this one once (thank goodness because it's an intramuscular shot) 34 hours before the egg retrieval.
Progesterone- I'll start on this after the transfer. My doctor's office uses progesterone suppositories instead of injections. Apparently studies now show that the suppositories work just as well as the injections, but they are a lot less painful. I'll be on that at least until they confirm the baby's heartbeat, if not longer.

I also found out that my blood work showed that I have slightly elevated levels of antithyroid antibodies. I still need to call the doctor's office for more information, but I know a little bit. The doctor didn't seem to be super concerned and even suggested that further testing was up to us and not absolutely necessary, but it could potentially mean we have a higher risk for miscarriage. That makes me nervous, but I'm choosing not to worry about it. I will find out more from the doctor on Monday, and like I said, he didn't seem to think it was something to be concerned about "in my case."

Overall, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now. Last week I was feeling in control and on top of things. I was eating better, going for walks, ending my night with a nice yoga routine. It felt pretty good. But this week, the combination of the blood work results, the stress of the cost of it all, and this stupid stomach bug knocking me down, I don't feel like I have any control over how this all works out. And really I don't. And that's a good thing, because the Lord is much more qualified than me. I know that it's important for me to remember to rely on the Lord through this, over and over again. It's not super easy though.

This whole time, without even realizing it, I've just been assuming that all of this will work, and we'll have a baby, or two, this time next year. Perhaps that has been faith that this is God's timing for us, or perhaps that has just been wishful thinking. Suddenly though, it has occurred to me that in a little over a month, we could be going through another devastating experience. Or we could get pregnant only to lose the baby. I have to consciously be reminding myself that no matter what the outcome, no baby or three, we have a God who loves us and will help us through it. Moment by moment.

Hopin' Jehoshaphat!

I wonder where the saying "Jumping Jehoshaphat came from. I have no idea, but I was reminded again today of why his story in 2 Chronicles 20 is probably my favorite story in the old testament. Have you read it? Because it's flippin' awesome.

You can read the whole story here, but let me give you the highlight reel.

A few different groups of people rise up against Judah (Those pesky Moabites and Ammonites again), and in response, the king, Jehoshaphat, declares a fast throughout the whole nation. People come from all of the cities to pray together.

Jehoshaphat leads his people in prayer, praises God, tells Him what's happening, then ends with (I love this part!), "We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on You."

To me, that sentence is PROFOUND. First of all, for any of us, but especially for a king, to admit to everyone around that we have no clue what we're doing is really difficult. But then, he doesn't try to come up with a plan, he looks at God, expectantly.

And the Spirit of the Lord comes upon one of the men and He says through him, "Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed...for the battle is not yours, but God's."

Another stop you in your tracks moment. Not only does Jehoshaphat not have to plan the battle, he also doesn't have to fight it. God's going to fight it for him.

But wait, it gets better. The army goes down to the wilderness where the enemy is, but instead of preparing for war, God has them put singers and musicians out front to lead the way singing "Give thanks to the Lord, for His steadfast love endures forever!"

And they don't have to fight. At all. The enemies end up destroying each other. They are all dead when Jehoshaphat's army arrives.

I love the way the story ends, too. "And God gave them rest on every side."

Oh, I wish to live my life this way.
To take every problem to the Lord, trusting that He has a better plan than I could ever come up with. To not worry about the outcome, but to praise the Lord for his steadfast love which endures FOREVER.
To march into each battle praising my God.
To not fight, but to trust Him to fight for me.

Sometimes I'm not quite sure how this kind of faith should be played out in my own life (and there I go, taking the reigns and planning again). Even now as we wait to see what's next in our infertility battle, I have so many different battle plans; diet changes, homeopathic doctors, naturopathic doctors, chiropractor... (and believe me, that's a short list. Google PCOS and try to sift through the plethora of things that might work)

But I guess I have to learn to just wait. Let God make the plan. Let God reveal the plan. And fight the battle.

And that's not to say that we sit back and do nothing. I'm not looking for magic here (although God could miraculously cure me, I know), but I need to learn to listen for His direction, give Him my worry, and praise Him through it.

This story has gotten me through other battles too. Relationships with others, discipline issues with students, and more. I constantly have to remind myself to stop trying to take matters into my own hands and let God have control.

Like Jehoshaphat.

(What do you think? Should I get this story tattooed on myself somewhere?)

Scripture: Philippians 4:7

Scripture: Philippians 4:4-6

Thoughts on Zombie Bug, Boys, and Cancer

After school today, a third grader invited me to listen to him read a book he wrote about Zombie Bug. This particular third grade happens to be ADORABLE! He's a very hyper, wiggly little boy who has a heart of gold. Anyway, with his missing front teeth and adorable little boy voice, he read his book about Zombie Bug and Zombie Bug's friend, The Best Person Ever, stopping to show the pictures. I loved every last minute of it. Then I got in the car and cried.

Last weekend my sister and I went over my cousin's house to play games. She has two sons ages eleven and seven. They are loud and hyper and kept jumping in front of the television while we played Scene It. But even when they were at their most obnoxious, I was jealous. I would love to have obnoxious.

This morning I found out that a childhood friend is dying from cancer. She was moved to hospice care today. Like me, she is twenty-five; incredibly young to be going through this. We have spent little to no time together since eighth grade, but I am praying desperately for a miracle for her. She is a single mom of a little boy in first grade who is a student at the school where I teach. Today at the back door, I said hello to him, and he grabbed my head and told me he was an alien eating my brains. My heart aches for him and for her. Cancer is an awful thing.

All these things are weighing on my heart together right now. Even now, I'm looking for a common thread between the three. I thought it was the preciousness of each little boy, and the fact that they make me want not only a child of my own, but a son. But I feel like there is something more here that God wants me to grasp. He is present in all of these situations; a toothless third grade boy excited that the middle school English teacher liked his book, two crazy little hooligans learning to play well with others and having fun doing so, and a precious little man who, despite the turmoil in his life, seems to exude a peace that can only come from God. All four boys are safe, and content, and seem to have no fear about the future. I wish that was something that I could grasp.