I'm Loving

I have been neglecting my blog as of late. I have several posts I want to write, but haven't sat down to write them.  I totally missed writing Cai's four month post, but at this point I'm going to just skip it and write the five month post in two weeks. He has started so many new things since writing his three month post, and I can't remember which he started when! Anyway, today is a post of things I'm loving right now.

Cai
I cannot say enough how much I love this kid. Today especially was a wonderful today. We visited our fertility clinic  and introduced Cai to Dr. Peters and basically everybody there. When we mentioned that we were also there to visit my dad in the offices downstairs, one of the ladies who posts to the Sher Fertility Facebook page ran downstairs and grabbed my dad and took some pictures of him to upload to Facebook. Cai posed for some additional pictures and even grinned on cue.

Just generally though, Cai is a lot of fun right now. He's able to do new things every day, and I'm loving watching him learn! Steve and I spent a lot of time just marveling at him today. He's so smiley and joyful. He's so interactive, not only with us, but with the dog too. He LOVES Finn! He lights up when Finn comes near him, reaches out to pet him (we've been teaching him "gentle"), tracks him when he walks around the room, and seems to appreciate it when Finn licks up his puke. :/

I'm loving being a mom right now.

A bathing suit that actually fits my boobs

I'm a freaking 38G cup size. Finding a bathing suit that fits over them has been nearly impossible. Even at stores like Lane Bryant I've had a hard time, but this last week I finally took a risk and bought one online from Figleaves.com. I bought a Curvy Kate tankini top, and I'm super happy with it. I cut off the bow between the boobs though, haha. What kills me though, is that Curvy Kate designs for curvy girls --they make bras and swimsuits for D-K cup sizes-- but most websites that carry their suits, have pictures of skinny girls in them (the picture to the left comes from herroom.com, the only site I could find that markets it with a "bigger" sized girl). Seriously? Anyway, the suit top fits (I paired it with a black skirt bottom I already own) and I actually feel kind of cute in it which is saying a lot because I'm still learning to embrace my post pregnancy belly (eight more pounds to pre-pregnancy weight and thirty+ to a healthy weight, but my goal is to like myself at every weight). I'm super excited about wearing it on vacation.

Longer days
I love everything about more sunlight. It gives me more energy and makes me so excited for warm days ahead.

Hylands Teething Tablets
They're seriously like magic. When it's clear that chomping on a teether is actually making things worse not better, some teething tablets (usually) work in literally minutes. We're not comfortable with using Advil or Tylenol on Cai, so it's super comforting to know that something natural works.

Five Kids is a Lot of Kids
I stumbled across this blog when I saw that she let her eight year old boys guest post on her blog. I started browsing around and ending up laughing out loud at some of her posts like when she pooped her closet, how her husband offers to support her, and how she lets her kids ask her questions about sex. I haven't read many more posts than that, but her writing style definitely had me in stitches.

My plan to make a teepee
I'm so excited about making a tepee. I'll blog about it when I do. I want something that we can use outside all summer to protect Cai from too much sunlight, but something that we can use while camping and in his bedroom down the road. I'm so excited about doing it, and hope to shop for the supplies tomorrow or Friday.

Spring Cleaning

Now don't get me wrong, I am not one who usually enjoys cleaning. I am a major procrastinator. But spring cleaning is different. I make huge lists. Like, seriously, I made six pages of lists this year. So far I've only checked off about four or five items, but I really love having a list and cleaning all of the little details that we don't normally pay attention to. I spent some time this week making a "command center" in our kitchen. Hopefully it helps us to be a little bit more organized. If not, I still like the way it looks. :)

Surviving Our First Few Weeks

Our first couple of weeks were far more difficult than I thought they would be. This post will probably be a little all over the place, but bear with me.

We spent most of our first week at the hospital. Our original plan was to keep Cai in the room with us, but he ended up in the nursery a great deal of the time. In the beginning he had low blood sugar, and they kept checking it, until our pediatrician finally told them to stop because he was fine. 

Then he developed jaundice and had to be under the blue lights all the time unless I was nursing him. this was super difficult for me. I was definitely hormonal at the time and it killed me to not have him near me. I missed him so much. Plus, it didn't help that I felt like it was my fault that he had jaundice. When I was being reasonable, I knew this wasn't the case, but the nurses and the pediatrician kept saying things about how it was because my milk hadn't come in yet. They strongly encouraged us to supplement with formula because eating more would cause him to poo and pee the bilirubin out faster. We used something called an SNS (Supplemental Nursing System) which is basically a tube connected to a small bottle of formula. You tape the tube to your nipple, so that when you're  nursing, the baby gets your colostrum and the formula and it encourages your milk to come in. Anyway, I felt awful and had to keep reminding myself that it wasn't my fault and that it was normal for my milk to not have come in yet especially because I had a c-section.

Despite the jaundice, they still let us go home on the day we were scheduled, although they made us wait until evening. Cai's bilirubin was still a little high, so they sent us home with a bilirubin blanket.

 
 It's basically a photo therapy light that you wrap around the baby. It made our first night home AWFUL. Cai was attached to an outlet. The thing was so heavy that it was hard for him to lay flat; he kept rolling to his side. We couldn't swaddle him because of it. Actually, because it had to be on bare skin, it was difficult to even have clothes on him. We tried putting him in the co-sleeper in our room, but between the bilirubin blanket and the fact I couldn't sit up easily on my own (to pick him up and nurse him) because of my incision, all three of us ended up sleeping in the living room sitting up while we took turns holding Cai.

Then, first thing the next morning (Saturday), we had to take Cai back to the hospital for blood work to see if his levels had gone down. Getting out of the house on a schedule on your first day home with a newborn after a c-section and a sleepless night is no small task, but we did it. The levels were okay, so we didn't have to use the bilirubin blanket the second day home, but our night was still awful. Cai would cry every time we put him down and would only sleep in our arms. He slept half the night in his car seat and the other half sitting up in my arms.

We went back to the hospital for more blood work on Sunday, then to a pediatrician appointment on Monday. They sent us for blood work one more time, and at that point he was finally jaundice free. My milk had finally come in then also, so we stopped supplementing. I can't tell you how exciting it was to see milk spill out of Cai's mouth when he drooled! I was so proud and satisfied.

Somewhere in those first few days, I took an afternoon nap for a little over two hours while Cai napped and Daddy took care of him woke up. It was the first time I had slept more than two hours since arriving at the hospital (between feedings, and uncomfortable bed, and having my vitals checked every few hours, I didn't sleep much), and it was wonderful.

Steve was amazing through all of this. At the hospital, he did everything but nurse Cai. He changed every diaper and at one point even fed me my lunch (I was starving and hadn't yet perfected the art of accomplishing anything while nursing). Despite all of the difficulties, we both fell in love with our son in those first few days, and I fell even more in love with my husband as I watched him love Cai.

By his third night home, we had figured out a way to swaddle him called "The Secret Swaddle" which we had seen on Pinterest. Prior to this, we would wake himself up because he would punch his way out of the swaddle. This method works as a little baby straight jacket and allows him to sleep calmly (except Cai doesn't smile sweetly while we swaddle him like the baby in picture; he fights it until he's completely snuggled up).

Recovering from a c-section was harder than I thought it would be. Because of the c-section (and the reasons I already mentioned), we didn't really use the co-sleeper and ended up putting Cai in his crib (more on my recovery in another post). This made me a little sad, but it was what worked for us.

I've learned about mommy guilt very quickly. Not only did I feel like the jaundice was my fault because I wasn't providing milk for my baby right away, but around the second week home, Cai developed a severe diaper rash. At his second doctor's appointment, the pediatrician told us that the fact that the redness was centered around the anus meant that it was more than likely caused by an intolerance to something I was eating. She suggested either tomatoes (or other acidic foods) or dairy (milk protein). I cut out tomato sauce and cut back on dairy and the rash went away. It came back this week, but has cleared up again a few days later. It's awful knowing that what I was eating without a second thought was causing my baby pain. I experienced this all over again tonight when Cai had some pretty severe gas for the first time. I'm pretty sure it was because I ate some broccoli for the first time last night. The gas didn't last super long, but his screams were gut wrenching!

Speaking of gas, another struggle those first few weeks was dealing with the (kindly intended) suggestions from family members. Every time Cai wiggled, stretched, or fussed, whatever female family member was nearby (mother, grandmother, great grandmother, great aunt) suggested that it was gas. I can't tell you how many times my grandmother said, "Oh, he has a belly ache." Like I said, tonight was the first time he really had gas, but that hasn't stopped everyone from talking about it. It's way harder than I thought to deal with the advice of EVERYONE.

Anyway, we made it! All three of us! And Cai is thriving! My intent is to write a post about his one month update tomorrow, but we'll see how that goes. Hopefully I get to it because the next week is crazy busy, with fun stuff, but busy none-the-less.

My Best Friend

This month is a big month for Steve and me for a few reasons. It marks six years since we first started trying to conceive. Monday is our seven year wedding anniversary. And, today is Steve's 29th birthday. So I thought I would take this opportunity to brag about him a bit.

At a Thrice and Thursday concert a few weeks
before our first date. I remember Traci
dressing me and adding the fake
lip ring, haha.

I first met Steve in May of 2003 when we were both in a scholarship competition at Roberts. I remember coming home and telling my friends that there was one really cute boy in my group who was super funny. I met him again when we were in the same group in orientation, but didn't have very much contact with him for the first couple of months. Still, I remember being impressed with him. I remember a particular time during chapel having a hard time keeping my eyes off of him as he was so clearly worshiping the Lord and not thinking about what was going on around him (clearly that wasn't the case for me at the time).

We started hanging out more and more and went on our first date just after Christmas, I think. This was my first date ever. My wonderful best friend offered to pay him $20 to kiss me on the first date, but he refused saying he had too much respect for me for that. 

Niagara falls, December 2005 I think

Anyway, by February 7th, 2004 we declared ourselves "official" at B.T.'s snack shop at Roberts. Since then, it's been a wonderful adventure. And "adventure" truly is the right word. Most of our dating adventures centered around ridiculous car issues. I remember the driver's seat started to rust out of his car and it would bounce up and down and nearly scrape the ground as we drove (they welded it later). And the passenger door in that car didn't have a seal, so I would literally get snowed on. On the way home from a Relient K concert, we dragged the Oldsmobile's muffler throughout downtown Rochester when is started to fall off. When that car died, he had his parents' van. It had the two front seats, no middle seats, and the very back seats. The only door that opened was the front passenger door. I remember he took me and four or five of my girlfriends to a movie and we all had to pile in and out of the same door. Another time a friend of his borrowed it and returned it after someone thew up in the passenger seat and did not clean it up. We went to church together in it the next day, and I had to sit in the very back while he drove.

A Lebanese dinner at our friend Bob's house.

One of my favorite things about Steve is how he pays attention to the people around him. I remember one of my Townies saying to me senior year that she was always so encouraged when she ran into Steve on campus. He would notice when she was wearing a new skirt or when she looked like she was feeling down or stressed out. Not in creepy way, but because he pays attention to people and who they are and what makes them tick.

At The Spot coffee house our junior year of college.

In fact, Steve came home late from work the other day because he was talking to an employee who didn't get the promotion he wanted. It turned out the guy was dealing with depression and thoughts of suicide and Steve stayed late to talk with him about it. He come home feeling like he had really made a difference just by listening. 

Engagement photo, around February 2007

I have a husband who is loving and kind...

Quick to laugh and slow to anger...

Patient with my craziness  (and right now my ridiculous mood swings)

Who loves my family like his own to the point of moving in with my grandparents at one point and loving them like his own.

He fills me with joy.

 We've dealt with some difficult trials in the past seven years. For six of them we struggled to have a baby. This was difficult for each of us in different ways. I made the mistake at some points of thinking that it was really only hard for me, but once in a while I would see just how hard it was for Steve.

A little over two years ago we celebrated the opportunity to welcome a little boy into our family through adoption. Then a week later we celebrated the opportunity to welcome two little boys into our family. And our hearts were broken another week later when all of that crumbled. But Steve was amazing through it all.

I remember when were engaged my mom expressed mild concern that Steve didn't seem very "ambitious." She was afraid he might not be a very hard worker. I laugh when I think of that now and I'm sure she would too. Steve works harder than any person I know, not simply to make money but unto the Lord. I am so proud of all he has accomplished and continues to accomplish.


In February we embarked on a new adventure with an uncertain outcome. It was a risk emotionally and financially, but we took it together trusting in God through the process. And the Lord has blessed us with a healthy pregnancy. I am inexpressibly excited to get to know Steve as even more than husband, provider, and friend, but as a father now also. I can't wait to see him fill that role as I have known from before we started dating that he would be ridiculously good at it.

And now we're at another crossroads in our life facing more uncertainty as to where we will live and how we will do that. I'm stressed. I'm really quite nervous about the possibilities. I'm anxious about the next turn.
But really, I know we'll get through it no matter where we end up. I trust my husband to make the right decisions for our growing family.

Christmas 2013, both of us a little bit older and a little bit fatter.

 I am so thankful for Steven and all that we have learned and experienced together. I look forward to many more years filled with laughter, and probably some tears and shouting too. I wouldn't want to do it all with anyone else.

Thoughts on Mother's Day after Infertility

Mother's Day is a day to honor your mother. To thank her for the sacrifices of love that she made for you. To pamper her a bit and allow her to enjoy a day that is about her and not every one else.

That being said, for the past five years or so it has been difficult for me not to think about myself on Mother's Day. I think any woman who cannot have children (but wants to) or who has lost children can relate to this feeling, whether she is the mother of miscarried children, adopted children that will never be hers, or dream children that have yet to exist. I know of so many women who are waiting for children adopted or biological (or even waiting for a husband first and the children to follow). I know of so many women who have stopped waiting and have learned to live without children for various reasons. For us Mother's Day brings pain.

Mother's Day is a reminder of what we don't have, can't have. We hear constantly about what a gift motherhood is, what a beautiful sacrifice. I recently read a quote on Pinterest that said something to the extent of "People who have not had children cannot truly know love." Now, whether or not that quote is accurate or not can, I'm sure, be hotly debated on both sides, but that's not my point. My point is that that is how I have felt over the past five and half years, most of the time, but especially on Mother's Day. Mother's Day has left me feeling empty, wondering if I will ever get to experience this wonder that others enjoy so much.

For awhile, I went through a period where every Sunday in church was painful. There were two reasons for this. First, I attended a church that was burgeoning with growing families with new additions, it seemed like, every week. This deepened my sense of loss. Second, every Sunday it seemed the Lord would bring me to my knees reminding me to turn to him when I felt this deep sense of loss. Either way, I cried every Sunday, and Mother's Day was worse. This weekend a friend shared a link on Facebook that also talked about the pain of Mother's Day, specifically at church. It recognizes the pain that SO MANY women experience on Mother's Day.

So, okay, I've established that Mother's Day can be painful, not just for me, but for anyone who is experiencing that sense of loss, but what's my point? Do I think we should stop honoring our mothers? Of course not. The fact that they should be honored and deserve to be honored is part of the very reason Mother's Day is difficult for me. Am I even proposing change or just rambling? I don't really know. I guess I'm proposing first, that we be aware. Aware of the pain others may be experiencing. Aware of the broad spectrum of mothers that are out there. I'm also proposing, second, that we be more open. I think we can all agree that I am QUITE open (some argue more than I should be) about what I've been going through for the past several years, and I think that it has helped others to know how to love me and other people going through similar experiences to me, better. Openness, especially within a family of believers can allow us all to love each other better. If I do not know that you are going through a painful experience, no matter what the type, I will not necessarily know how to better love you through it. Third, I'm proposing that we go out of our way to thank those who are mothers in an nontraditional form. The people who mother our children at school, in Sunday school, at sports practices. The godmothers and mentors and encouragers. Those who love unconditionally and unreservedly because they choose too. I can think of so many people who have "mothered" me who are not my mother, but who deserve the gratitude that a mother receives. Shame on me for not thanking them earlier.

All of this being said, I am feeling almost a sense of guilt because this year on Mother's Day, I'm not in mourning. Instead I am rejoicing for the experiences to come and the gift I have been given. I am thankful for the sacrifices of vomit I have been able to make over and over again the past two months. But I'm also feeling guilty, although I don't know if "guilty" is exactly the word I'm looking for. I know so many people who are still stuck in this realm of pain, and I don't deserve this joy any more than they do. It's a strange feeling to so quickly be on the other side of this. In a post earlier this year, I argued that even  "even if you've been through it [infertility] in the past, you can no longer understand it." and I am already feeling that loss of connection. And, as much as I have hated dealing with infertility, it has repeatedly forced me draw closer and closer to the Lord. I know that pregnancy and motherhood have a way of doing that also, but in a different way than  what I've known already.

I'm sorry if this post seems a little all over the place, but I've been trying to sort out my thoughts during this new stage of life while still remembering from where I've come, and Mother's Day seemed as good a time as any to do so. Also, as a disclaimer of sorts, this post is in no way suggesting that every woman without children does or should feel this way. I also know so many women who are not now, and feel they may never be, called to have children, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I know that they are sometimes made to feel a whole different type of guilt, and that is in no way my intent.

German Pancakes

We had another snow day today. Of course that means I no longer have President's Day weekend off, but if that means not having to drive in this mess, I'm okay with that.

Steve had off today too, so I made a tasty breakfast for us to celebrate the snow day (and the fact that I gave myself my first injection, haha).

I've been craving German pancakes which aren't super good for you, but I made the healthiest version I could (white whole wheat flour, raw milk, organic eggs).

                                                                                                                               

We top them with whatever tastes good. I usually use sugar (I used raspadura this time). Steve prefers jam or peanut butter (we were out peanut butter). They are very much like crepes only thicker.

As I was making them, I couldn't help but think about how many thousands of times German pancakes have been made in that kitchen over the past twenty plus years.

How many times did my Oma make them for grandchildren (all nine of us) or great grandchildren (all fourteen of them)? I remember spending the night when I was little. I would sleep in the spare room with the scary monkey doll sitting on the headboard. When I was very little, I would sleep in bed with Oma and Opa. They had a TV in their room, and I remember falling asleep watching Roseanne after telling Oma that we weren't allowed to watch that show at home (I felt so guilty for watching it and so guilty for telling Oma it was a bad show, haha).

In the morning, I would get up with Opa and he would make me chocolate milk in a baby bottle with Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck on it. I was too old for a bottle, but not so old that I'm too embarrassed to share that part, haha.

 Then I started thinking about all of the other meals that were made in that kitchen. All of the pancake soup, goulash, potato balls, chicken paprikash, farina (that was another common sleepover breakfast), German apple cake, halushki, pies (apple, raspberry, stawberry, and peach), Christmas cookies (Oma and Opa kept the heat off in their bedroom and master bath and Oma would store boxes upon boxes of Christmas cookies in the shower they didn't use because it was as cold as a refrigerator in there), green bean and ham soup, and chicken soup.

Thousands of meals have been lovingly prepared in this kitchen. Thousands of laughs shared with friends and family. It's going to be hard when we have to leave it behind. 

I LOVE Valentine's Day

I admit it. I'm one of those people you love to hate. I actually love Valentine's Day. And you can't say that it's because I'm married and have someone to celebrate it with because I loved it during the nineteen years that I did not have a special someone to share it with.

I love the color and the excuse to make things, whether silly decorations or decadent desserts (although I made little to none of either this year). I also love that it's a specific time set aside to remind someone of how much you love them. It's like a yearly reminder not to take your loved ones for granted. I know many see it as a day when men forgo spontaneity and are instead forced to be romantic, but I think it's what you make of it. For me, it's a fun time to decorate, make things, and share with each other all the reasons you love the other person...reasons you think of all the time, but forget to say out loud.


Anyway, apparently my husband likes the holiday a little more than I thought because I got the following today...

delivered to me at work. Receiving flowers at work has been a secret desire of mine for years. And the chocolates were delicious (yes, I ate most of them already, although a student stole one because they fell on the floor and he "assumed" I didn't want it because it was on the floor. It was down his gullet before I had a chance to stop him).

And this was on the kitchen table when I came home...

You can't read it well in the pic, but it says "We are amazing together! Look how much fun we've had! Happy Valentine's Day! I love you." The pictures are from all different times in our relationship. Not sure when the one at top left was taken, but top right is obviously our wedding, middle left is from our sophomore year of college, middle right is our engagement, bottom left was a few months ago, and bottom right was last Christmas.

I also used Valentine's Day as an excuse to send a package to my Pop-Pop, the grandfather I don't live with. He lives by himself at an assisted living home several hours away, and I don't see him much, but I knew a little package would cheer him up. I included a heart shape note that explained the following gifts:

Slippers to keep you warm through the rest of the winter.

 

a mug I painted...

....and a little bird I crocheted...

...to remind you that spring is coming soon.

 I also included some of the stained glass hearts I made a few months ago and told him that they were to brighten up his room.


Seriously, what's not to love about Valentine's Day? I'm off now to enjoy a delicious dinner and dessert that Steve and my dearest Daddy cooked for the whole family.