Just read this post over at With Great Expectation, and it was so well written and spot on, I thought it was worth sharing.
13 Things infertile women want women with children to know...
I would also add a 14th
When we talk to you about what we're going through, we are just aching for someone to listen and attempt to empathize. It's okay to admit that you don't understand. In fact, I don't want you to pretend that you understand it. If you have children, you CANNOT understand it. I would argue that even if you've been through it in the past, you can no longer understand it. We also don't want you to come up with answers (like adopt or relax as mentioned above) or even encouraging stories (like all the people you know who got pregnant after they decided to adopt). But we do want someone to listen and maybe even cry with us.
We also are aware that we sound like broken records complaining about the same things. And we recognize that because you don't understand we may sound like big babies. We're sorry about this, but unless you have even an idea of what we're going through (and I'm so glad you don't; I wouldn't wish this on anyone), you don't really get to judge.
This is such a wonderful addition to the original 13 things! You are so right... We just need someone to spill our guts to occasionally. Someone who does not feel the need to give advice, or claim that they understand.
ReplyDeleteAnd I really love the point you made about those who have been through infertility in the past not being able to understand. I totally agree... being on the other side of infertility is such a different story than being in its trenches.
Thanks for sharing this.
Logan
Hi ladies,
ReplyDeleteI have just found both of your blogs today as I was searching for "God sustained me through infertility" and have been so blessed by your words. I have a blog over at www.faithfullyfollowing.wordpress.com and I have been AWFUL at updating it but it does share some of our story with pregnancy loss and infertility...although once we did get pregnant after treatment I didn't keep up with it because I felt that it would somehow be hard for my readers and I almost felt "bad" for overcoming our struggle in that moment of time - if that makes any sense at all! When I came across the 13 things blog post by Logan I instantly loved it and could relate to every one of those things. We conceived our son in December of 2012 and he is now almost 17 months old. And I have to respectfully disagree with your statement that those who have been through infertility in the past aren't able to understand. I will also admit that before I went through it (infertility then conception and now ttc again) I thought the same thing. When I saw women going through "secondary" infertility I thought, "it can't possibly be the same." "are they greedy? they already have ONE baby! I would die for just that one chance!" etc...and I can honestly say that now that I'm that woman, even being on the "other side" having a child, my heart and womb still longs for another baby, a sibling for my son, the family we always dreamed of. The thoughts are the same that my body is yet again failing me, it isn't bouncing back to fertility like I always heard stories of women's bodies just "getting it" after pregnancy the first time. And at this point in my life with ttc #2, once again, young, unmarried family members are getting pregnant (undesired pregnancies) simply by being irresponsible and my heart aches. Today has been a "bad" day for me, and I can assure you, I absolutely CAN relate and remember and it grieves me. It has never left me. That's one thing I've learned is that infertility isn't "solved" by pregnancy. It is something that never truly leaves. At least for me anyway. Why am I the one who has to be on a special diet, that even then, doesn't really work? Why do I long for babies and try to conceive with my loving husband who is incredibly supportive and knows more about women's cycles than even they do? I just wanted to write this to you because I feel you. And I've been where you are, I'm there again, and honestly that infertile or subfertile girl never has left me. And I'm choosing to allow God to work in me through this and I can only pray to continue to glorify Him through it. I wish it were easy for us and that we could be those girls who get pregnant just by sneezing at our husbands...but God is using this I truly believe, for our good somehow, and for His glory. Lots and lots of love to you! And I am praying for you, I would love to see an update! Valerie