Remembering

Tonight I'm feeling the need to put pen to paper, or rather fingers to keys, and write down a bit about our last failed embryo transfer. I know it's been almost two years since I've made a blog post, and I have no idea if I will continue to keep up with writing, but something brought up some memories of going through it today, and I wanted to quickly write them down.

We did our final frozen embryo transfer in December of 2017. We were originally planning to wait longer, but we found out that our fertility clinic was closing. We loved our doctor and everyone at his practice so much, that we didn't want to go through it with anyone else. We couldn't afford it ourselves, but we were beyond blessed by someone paying for all of it for us.

After one round of IVF and one previous FET, this time the meds felt almost routine. The biggest difference this time was using progesterone injections instead of progesterone suppositories, the reason for this being that research is currently suggesting that PIO might be slightly more effective than the suppositories. The doctor kind of felt that it probably wouldn't make a difference, but since I didn't get pregnant last time, we would do it just in case.

And actually that's what my memory today centered around. Honestly, that month is a blur to me really. I think maybe my mind blocked out a lot of both the hope and pain of that time as a protective measure. Even about a month afterward I remember saying to Steve that it all felt so long ago, even though it had only been a few weeks. Funny how that happens.

What I remembered today was getting those PIO shots. If you don't know anything about PIO (progesterone in oil), they are known for being painful. All of the other injections I needed to prepare for the transfer were subcutaneous, a small needle that just goes into the skin, no deeper. I had gotten really good at giving myself those, so most times I barely felt them. In fact, this time I didn't have any bruises at all from those little injections, as opposed to our first IVF when my belly was covered in bruises.

PIO injections are a whole 'nother ball of wax. They are intramuscular injections so the needle is bigger and goes much deeper. The progesterone is also in oil instead of water so the contents of the syringe go in more slowly and take longer to spread into the muscle, so you can get little sore knots in the injection sites. I was getting these every evening.

There are lots of little tricks to make the experience less uncomfortable, but our routine included icing the spot before the shot, having someone else put the needle into my butt (as opposed to putting the needle into my thigh myself), watching videos on how to get it into the area that would be the least painful for walking around, laying flat on the ground during the injection so that my muscles were relaxed, and sitting on a heating pad afterward to warm up the oil and help it spread more quickly, and switching butt cheeks every night. Eventually I stopped icing it before hand because it didn't make much of a difference in the pain, and I think it made the injection site so cold that the oil wasn't warming up much with the heating pad.

That part of routine was insignificant though. What I really remember was joking with Steve about stabbing me in the butt while I drew up meds in the syringe after warming them with the heating pad. Getting to do that didn't stop being funny to him for that entire two week wait. I remember Cai's nervousness the first time Steve did it. I remember that my little boy laid on the floor next to me and held my hand every time. Somehow we all giggled a lot every time.

Those two weeks between the embryo transfer and my hcg beta were full of joy and hope. We had explained it all to Cai, and he and I would lay in bed at night and we would pray for those two little babies inside me. We would talk about if he would have brothers or sisters or both. We would talk about how I talked to him in my belly the same way when we were waiting to find out if he was growing inside me.

There were also full of mind numbing fear. To the point that after we found out we weren't pregnant I told Steve that even if our doctor's office wasn't closing and we had the money to try again, I would never want to. I never want to go through it again. Actually though, I'm not sure fear is the right word. When we were trying with Cai it was fear. Fear that it wouldn't work and we would never have a child. That fear is gone. Even if we never have another baby, I have Steve and Cai and my life is full. I'm not sure if it's complete, it might be, although I feel like there's room for at least one more child, but it's full. I'm not sure what word I would use instead of fear though. Anxiety? Panic? Dread? I'm not sure. Maybe it was just fear. Fear of the letdown. But whatever it was, it was that feeling I know so well of being 100% convinced that I was and wasn't pregnant at the same time.

The hardest part this time was that I felt deep down that not only were we going to end the process with a baby, but with both babies. When we tried with Cai, in the time between finding out I was pregnant and listening to his heart beat for the first time, I went from hoping for twins to being pretty convinced there was only one baby growing inside me. To the point that hearing only one heart beat wasn't sad because I already knew in my heart despite being hopeful that I was wrong. This time I felt prepared for twins. It seemed a possibility this time more than the other two times. Especially because these were our best quality embryos.

I'm not sure that I have anything else to say at the moment, although I don't really want to end this on such a sad note. It was a hard time. Harder than the time before that. But I'm still feeling joyful. I feel fulfilled. Our life is definitely not struggle free right now, by any means, but it's happy.

IVF vs. FET: Our Experience

As most of you know, we recently did a Frozen Embryo Transfer in an attempt to get pregnant again. Unfortunately, it didn't work, but I wanted to talk a little bit about the experience now since I didn't blog during.

I mainly wanted to talk about the differences because it was very similar to IVF in most ways.
The overall difference between the two procedures is that IVF starts from the very beginning. Meds are give to stimulate the ovarian follicles in order to be able to retrieve eggs. The eggs are then fertilized and different meds are given to prepare the body for pregnancy. With an FET, the embryos are already created, so there is no need for stimulation of the ovaries, it is all with the goal of preparing the body for pregnancy.

Meds:
Many of my meds were the same as during IVF (here too), but there were a few differences. This time I gave myself Lupron injections, estrogen (e2v) injections (instead of suppositories, my mom gave me these, because they're best in the tush), dexamethasone, an antibiotic, and progesterone suppositories.

The Lupron was an every day injection to prevent ovulation (I think). This was the same as IVF. The e2v is to thicken the lining of the uterus. Last time I had suppositories instead, and I think I started them later in the cycle. I got one injection in my butt twice a week.

You start out with this big scary needle to draw up the medicine. It's a thick liquid, so alarge needle is needed.

Then you switch to a smaller, yet still terrifying, needle, haha.

The dexamethasone was the same as last time. It's a low dose steroid that acts as an immune system suppresant, to keep my body from attacking the baby as a foreign body. The antibiotic and the progesterone were also the same.

For the most part, the side effects weren't as pronounced this time. I had some mild nausea off and on from the progesterone and estrogen I think. The main side effect I noticed was from the dexamethasone. It made me hungry and made me feel like my blood sugar dropped shortly after eating.

Weight

I worked really hard to lose weight before starting my FET and actually started at about a pound or two less than when we started the IVF. I lost thirteen pounds total. Unfortunately, between stress, the dexamethasone, and being on vacation with food everywhere, I gained back ALL THIRTEEN POUNDS during the two week weight. More on this in another post, because it's a major struggle right now. During IVF I only gained five pounds and most of it was bloating.

Emotions

It was bizarre emotionally this time. I felt less connected to the whole process. Maybe partly because I wasn't blogging about it, but mainly because I was so focused on Cai and generally less desperate. Not that I didn't want another baby as much, because I certainly did, but it didn't feel like life or death like it did with our first round because we already have Cai. With Cai I prayed CONSTANTLY and talked to the embryos constantly. This time I didn't have as much alone or quiet time, so it was a little different. I also spent more time getting massages and chiropractic adjustments last time. This time I didn't have the money to do that, so it wasn't really an option. I also struggled with feeling like I was being over confident this time because it worked the first time for us. 

Cost

According to Steve, the overall cost of IVF, start to finish, including testing, meds, and embryo storage fees, was about $20,000. The total cost of the FET this time was about $6000. 

The starting cost for an FET at our office was $4500 (I think the prices had just gone up, but I'm not sure). Meds were MUCH cheaper this time because there were fewer and because our insurance covered more of them. That was a huge blessing for us. Most of the additional costs were tests that I had done before starting, both through our fertility doctor and my PCP. I was concerned about possible thyroid issues and wanted to get that taken care of before starting. I was also taking some natural supplements to help prevent the preeclampsia and cholestasis I experienced while pregnant with Cai. In addition, there are a few procedures before the actual FET process starts that are not covered in the $4,500 total and were not covered by insurance. Also, the cost of storing our remaining embryos went up significantly. Before we do another FET I will have to undergo some testing in order to be sure that my body didn't do something to prevent implantation. I'm not sure what that entails, but I'm pretty sure insurance won't think it's necessary. 

For our IVF we pulled money our of Steve's 401k to pay the majority. We were also, as a couple, making about three or four times what we are now, haha, so we had more money available in general. For our FET we relied on gifts from friends and family (THANK YOU!), selling some things, and credit. I think that made it even harder when it failed.

If you'd like to help us with that cost and the cost of our next two transfers with our remaining embryos, Steve has started a Go Fund Me page for us so that you can do that.

To be honest, I have mixed feelings about doing another round. First of all, I want to lose weight again. More this time, if I can. Part of me can't wait to jump right in again, but another part of me is dreading going through all of the meds and appointments and uncertainty again. I so want more children though. We want Cai to have siblings. I pray daily for our last two little frozen embryos (as I did when there were four of them), and I can't wait to (this probably sounds weird out of context) have them inside me where my body can keep them safe, but I'm also afraid of what might happen again. 

Prayers would be greatly appreciated. Also, if you're going through this or thinking about going through this process, please feel free to reach out to me with questions or just to talk. Also, I'm in an awesome support group on Facebook called Baby Fever which I highly recommend, and its sister group Fertility Friends which is for women who have already conceived but have or are still struggling with infertility. Please let me know if you'd like an invitation!

On Being Painfully Aware of Infertility

First off, some disclaimers before I begin this post.
 1. I'm posting from my phone, so auto correct may bite me in the tushy quite a bit.
2. I may be a bit all over the place, and if so, I apologize.

Last week was National Infertility Awareness Week. I waited to post because, honestly, I was hoping to find out today that I was pregnant. I know I blogged through our first IVF experience, but I decided not to blog until after our Frozen Embryo Transfer because I wanted to keep it more private.  I do pave to go make some posts about the process and how it was different than our fresh transfer, but today I want to talk about other things.

Namely, infertility sucks. It never stops sucking. Today I got a call from our doctor telling us that my pregnancy test was negative. We transferred two embryos, two babies, and neither one implanted. This is worse than just a negative home test. It's not just and, "Oh, I didn't get pregnant this month." I KNEW there were two babies in my body. Two babies who I have been praying for for the last two years since they were created. And now they're gone. I'll never get to know them. I was never even actually pregnant with them. We created them and then my body failed them (I know that's a dramatic way of looking at it, but I'm feeling dramatic right now).

We spent over $5000 this time (far less than on Cai, but we make far less now than we did then). Five thousand that we scraped together through selling things and the generosity of some wonderful friends and family as well as our credit card. In fact, bills are still rolling in, and we're pretty broke. Which also means, we can't try again for a while. We have two embryos remaining, and they are even better quality than any of the others were, including Cai, but we're going to have to wait to save all over again.

Now I need to stop and pull back (I warned you that this would be all over the place), because right now I sound whiney and miserable, which I am at the moment, but I'm also still aware of all that I have to be thankful for. When I burst into tears this afternoon, I was met with hugs from my two favorite men; Steve and Cai. And if we never have any more children, that will be okay because I have both of them. And those hugs were followed by many texts and emails from friends and family who were praying for us today.

And I know my God is there. I know that his steadfast love endures forever. I know that He will hold me with His righteous right hand. I know that he has a plan for our family.

So infertility sucks. It's effing awful. And it always will be. But the love we've seen through it, the love we've grown through it, definitely doesn't suck.

And I know that for the next little while I'm going to bounce back and forth between sadness and resignation, anger and fear, longing and contenment. It's going to be hard.

On my way to my blood test this morning, I told the Lord that this time, I didn't feel as selfish as I did wanting Cai. I mean, I had unselfish reasons then too, but it was mostly just that I wanted a baby. But this time, it was more that; we just have more love to share. We love Cai so much, and enjoy loving him, and we just want to share that with more children.

And now this post sounds like I'm fishing for sympathy, but I'm not. I need to process the whole thing, and this helped, but I also want to help others process it, because I know I'm not the only one out there who has gone through this.

Thanks for the love and support, friends. Spoken and unspoken. We feel it. Both of us.