Remembering

Tonight I'm feeling the need to put pen to paper, or rather fingers to keys, and write down a bit about our last failed embryo transfer. I know it's been almost two years since I've made a blog post, and I have no idea if I will continue to keep up with writing, but something brought up some memories of going through it today, and I wanted to quickly write them down.

We did our final frozen embryo transfer in December of 2017. We were originally planning to wait longer, but we found out that our fertility clinic was closing. We loved our doctor and everyone at his practice so much, that we didn't want to go through it with anyone else. We couldn't afford it ourselves, but we were beyond blessed by someone paying for all of it for us.

After one round of IVF and one previous FET, this time the meds felt almost routine. The biggest difference this time was using progesterone injections instead of progesterone suppositories, the reason for this being that research is currently suggesting that PIO might be slightly more effective than the suppositories. The doctor kind of felt that it probably wouldn't make a difference, but since I didn't get pregnant last time, we would do it just in case.

And actually that's what my memory today centered around. Honestly, that month is a blur to me really. I think maybe my mind blocked out a lot of both the hope and pain of that time as a protective measure. Even about a month afterward I remember saying to Steve that it all felt so long ago, even though it had only been a few weeks. Funny how that happens.

What I remembered today was getting those PIO shots. If you don't know anything about PIO (progesterone in oil), they are known for being painful. All of the other injections I needed to prepare for the transfer were subcutaneous, a small needle that just goes into the skin, no deeper. I had gotten really good at giving myself those, so most times I barely felt them. In fact, this time I didn't have any bruises at all from those little injections, as opposed to our first IVF when my belly was covered in bruises.

PIO injections are a whole 'nother ball of wax. They are intramuscular injections so the needle is bigger and goes much deeper. The progesterone is also in oil instead of water so the contents of the syringe go in more slowly and take longer to spread into the muscle, so you can get little sore knots in the injection sites. I was getting these every evening.

There are lots of little tricks to make the experience less uncomfortable, but our routine included icing the spot before the shot, having someone else put the needle into my butt (as opposed to putting the needle into my thigh myself), watching videos on how to get it into the area that would be the least painful for walking around, laying flat on the ground during the injection so that my muscles were relaxed, and sitting on a heating pad afterward to warm up the oil and help it spread more quickly, and switching butt cheeks every night. Eventually I stopped icing it before hand because it didn't make much of a difference in the pain, and I think it made the injection site so cold that the oil wasn't warming up much with the heating pad.

That part of routine was insignificant though. What I really remember was joking with Steve about stabbing me in the butt while I drew up meds in the syringe after warming them with the heating pad. Getting to do that didn't stop being funny to him for that entire two week wait. I remember Cai's nervousness the first time Steve did it. I remember that my little boy laid on the floor next to me and held my hand every time. Somehow we all giggled a lot every time.

Those two weeks between the embryo transfer and my hcg beta were full of joy and hope. We had explained it all to Cai, and he and I would lay in bed at night and we would pray for those two little babies inside me. We would talk about if he would have brothers or sisters or both. We would talk about how I talked to him in my belly the same way when we were waiting to find out if he was growing inside me.

There were also full of mind numbing fear. To the point that after we found out we weren't pregnant I told Steve that even if our doctor's office wasn't closing and we had the money to try again, I would never want to. I never want to go through it again. Actually though, I'm not sure fear is the right word. When we were trying with Cai it was fear. Fear that it wouldn't work and we would never have a child. That fear is gone. Even if we never have another baby, I have Steve and Cai and my life is full. I'm not sure if it's complete, it might be, although I feel like there's room for at least one more child, but it's full. I'm not sure what word I would use instead of fear though. Anxiety? Panic? Dread? I'm not sure. Maybe it was just fear. Fear of the letdown. But whatever it was, it was that feeling I know so well of being 100% convinced that I was and wasn't pregnant at the same time.

The hardest part this time was that I felt deep down that not only were we going to end the process with a baby, but with both babies. When we tried with Cai, in the time between finding out I was pregnant and listening to his heart beat for the first time, I went from hoping for twins to being pretty convinced there was only one baby growing inside me. To the point that hearing only one heart beat wasn't sad because I already knew in my heart despite being hopeful that I was wrong. This time I felt prepared for twins. It seemed a possibility this time more than the other two times. Especially because these were our best quality embryos.

I'm not sure that I have anything else to say at the moment, although I don't really want to end this on such a sad note. It was a hard time. Harder than the time before that. But I'm still feeling joyful. I feel fulfilled. Our life is definitely not struggle free right now, by any means, but it's happy.

IVF vs. FET: Our Experience

As most of you know, we recently did a Frozen Embryo Transfer in an attempt to get pregnant again. Unfortunately, it didn't work, but I wanted to talk a little bit about the experience now since I didn't blog during.

I mainly wanted to talk about the differences because it was very similar to IVF in most ways.
The overall difference between the two procedures is that IVF starts from the very beginning. Meds are give to stimulate the ovarian follicles in order to be able to retrieve eggs. The eggs are then fertilized and different meds are given to prepare the body for pregnancy. With an FET, the embryos are already created, so there is no need for stimulation of the ovaries, it is all with the goal of preparing the body for pregnancy.

Meds:
Many of my meds were the same as during IVF (here too), but there were a few differences. This time I gave myself Lupron injections, estrogen (e2v) injections (instead of suppositories, my mom gave me these, because they're best in the tush), dexamethasone, an antibiotic, and progesterone suppositories.

The Lupron was an every day injection to prevent ovulation (I think). This was the same as IVF. The e2v is to thicken the lining of the uterus. Last time I had suppositories instead, and I think I started them later in the cycle. I got one injection in my butt twice a week.

You start out with this big scary needle to draw up the medicine. It's a thick liquid, so alarge needle is needed.

Then you switch to a smaller, yet still terrifying, needle, haha.

The dexamethasone was the same as last time. It's a low dose steroid that acts as an immune system suppresant, to keep my body from attacking the baby as a foreign body. The antibiotic and the progesterone were also the same.

For the most part, the side effects weren't as pronounced this time. I had some mild nausea off and on from the progesterone and estrogen I think. The main side effect I noticed was from the dexamethasone. It made me hungry and made me feel like my blood sugar dropped shortly after eating.

Weight

I worked really hard to lose weight before starting my FET and actually started at about a pound or two less than when we started the IVF. I lost thirteen pounds total. Unfortunately, between stress, the dexamethasone, and being on vacation with food everywhere, I gained back ALL THIRTEEN POUNDS during the two week weight. More on this in another post, because it's a major struggle right now. During IVF I only gained five pounds and most of it was bloating.

Emotions

It was bizarre emotionally this time. I felt less connected to the whole process. Maybe partly because I wasn't blogging about it, but mainly because I was so focused on Cai and generally less desperate. Not that I didn't want another baby as much, because I certainly did, but it didn't feel like life or death like it did with our first round because we already have Cai. With Cai I prayed CONSTANTLY and talked to the embryos constantly. This time I didn't have as much alone or quiet time, so it was a little different. I also spent more time getting massages and chiropractic adjustments last time. This time I didn't have the money to do that, so it wasn't really an option. I also struggled with feeling like I was being over confident this time because it worked the first time for us. 

Cost

According to Steve, the overall cost of IVF, start to finish, including testing, meds, and embryo storage fees, was about $20,000. The total cost of the FET this time was about $6000. 

The starting cost for an FET at our office was $4500 (I think the prices had just gone up, but I'm not sure). Meds were MUCH cheaper this time because there were fewer and because our insurance covered more of them. That was a huge blessing for us. Most of the additional costs were tests that I had done before starting, both through our fertility doctor and my PCP. I was concerned about possible thyroid issues and wanted to get that taken care of before starting. I was also taking some natural supplements to help prevent the preeclampsia and cholestasis I experienced while pregnant with Cai. In addition, there are a few procedures before the actual FET process starts that are not covered in the $4,500 total and were not covered by insurance. Also, the cost of storing our remaining embryos went up significantly. Before we do another FET I will have to undergo some testing in order to be sure that my body didn't do something to prevent implantation. I'm not sure what that entails, but I'm pretty sure insurance won't think it's necessary. 

For our IVF we pulled money our of Steve's 401k to pay the majority. We were also, as a couple, making about three or four times what we are now, haha, so we had more money available in general. For our FET we relied on gifts from friends and family (THANK YOU!), selling some things, and credit. I think that made it even harder when it failed.

If you'd like to help us with that cost and the cost of our next two transfers with our remaining embryos, Steve has started a Go Fund Me page for us so that you can do that.

To be honest, I have mixed feelings about doing another round. First of all, I want to lose weight again. More this time, if I can. Part of me can't wait to jump right in again, but another part of me is dreading going through all of the meds and appointments and uncertainty again. I so want more children though. We want Cai to have siblings. I pray daily for our last two little frozen embryos (as I did when there were four of them), and I can't wait to (this probably sounds weird out of context) have them inside me where my body can keep them safe, but I'm also afraid of what might happen again. 

Prayers would be greatly appreciated. Also, if you're going through this or thinking about going through this process, please feel free to reach out to me with questions or just to talk. Also, I'm in an awesome support group on Facebook called Baby Fever which I highly recommend, and its sister group Fertility Friends which is for women who have already conceived but have or are still struggling with infertility. Please let me know if you'd like an invitation!

On Mother's Day...

If you open Facebook today, you we will be bombarded by Mother's Day posts. From children honoring mothers to mothers thankful for children. As wonderful as it all is, I felt myself hesitant to post anything.

 Not that I don't enjoy Mother's Day; mine was wonderful, despite my mom recovering from surgery on the hospital. Steve let me sleep in and made me breakfast in bed. He and Cai made me a lovely card, an Cai proudly pointed to the part he colored. And Cai said coffee, haha! We visited my mom in the hospital, and I was treated to dinner at The Melting Pot. Watching my little chocoholic eat chocolate fondue was hilarious!

But I can't help but remember how I felt not too long ago, and even this year thinking about how I was hoping to announce a pregnancy. Or of friends who lost their moms. Or...you name the reason why Mother's Day is difficult for millions of people. Even as I listened to the message honoring mothers at church today, part of me was hearing it with my old ears.

So I thought I'd share this post from two years ago, again. And I want to emphasize the part about openness. Transparency has come up in many conversations lately. It is so important in relationships in general and the church specifically. We cannot expect people to be supportive, considerate, compassionate, understanding, prayerful, if they don't know what we're going through. If we keep our struggles private, we are denying ourselves all of that; we are denying our brothers and sisters in Christ the opportunity to fully love us; we are building walls between ourselves and those we love.

We are often taught that some things are meant to be private; infertility, depression, mental illness, grief, miscarriage, even the first trimester of pregnancy. To the point where I have actually been shamed by some for being so open about our struggle. 

I reject that! Talk about! You don't have to have  blog and proclaim it to the world (what can I say, I'm an open person), but talk to your friends! Ask for prayer! Ask for help! Let someone else in on your pain, or your joy! Allow yourself, and them, that gift!

Thoughts on Mother's Day after Infertility

Mother's Day is a day to honor your mother. To thank her for the sacrifices of love that she made for you. To pamper her a bit and allow her to enjoy a day that is about her and not every one else.

That being said, for the past five years or so it has been difficult for me not to think about myself on Mother's Day. I think any woman who cannot have children (but wants to) or who has lost children can relate to this feeling, whether she is the mother of miscarried children, adopted children that will never be hers, or dream children that have yet to exist. I know of so many women who are waiting for children adopted or biological (or even waiting for a husband first and the children to follow). I know of so many women who have stopped waiting and have learned to live without children for various reasons. For us Mother's Day brings pain.

Mother's Day is a reminder of what we don't have, can't have. We hear constantly about what a gift motherhood is, what a beautiful sacrifice. I recently read a quote on Pinterest that said something to the extent of "People who have not had children cannot truly know love." Now, whether or not that quote is accurate or not can, I'm sure, be hotly debated on both sides, but that's not my point. My point is that that is how I have felt over the past five and half years, most of the time, but especially on Mother's Day. Mother's Day has left me feeling empty, wondering if I will ever get to experience this wonder that others enjoy so much.

For awhile, I went through a period where every Sunday in church was painful. There were two reasons for this. First, I attended a church that was burgeoning with growing families with new additions, it seemed like, every week. This deepened my sense of loss. Second, every Sunday it seemed the Lord would bring me to my knees reminding me to turn to him when I felt this deep sense of loss. Either way, I cried every Sunday, and Mother's Day was worse. This weekend a friend shared a link on Facebook that also talked about the pain of Mother's Day, specifically at church. It recognizes the pain that SO MANY women experience on Mother's Day.

So, okay, I've established that Mother's Day can be painful, not just for me, but for anyone who is experiencing that sense of loss, but what's my point? Do I think we should stop honoring our mothers? Of course not. The fact that they should be honored and deserve to be honored is part of the very reason Mother's Day is difficult for me. Am I even proposing change or just rambling? I don't really know. I guess I'm proposing first, that we be aware.Aware of the pain others may be experiencing. Aware of the broad spectrum of mothers that are out there. I'm also proposing, second, that we be more open. I think we can all agree that I am QUITE open (some argue more than I should be) about what I've been going through for the past several years, and I think that it has helped others to know how to love me and other people going through similar experiences to me, better. Openness, especially within a family of believers can allow us all to love each other better. If I do not know that you are going through a painful experience, no matter what the type, I will not necessarily know how to better love you through it. Third, I'm proposing that we go out of our way to thank those who are mothers in an nontraditional form. The people who mother our children at school, in Sunday school, at sports practices. The godmothers and mentors and encouragers. Those who love unconditionally and unreservedly because they choose too. I can think of so many people who have "mothered" me who are not my mother, but who deserve the gratitude that a mother receives. Shame on me for not thanking them earlier.

All of this being said, I am feeling almost a sense of guilt because this year on Mother's Day, I'm not in mourning. Instead I am rejoicing for the experiences to come and the gift I have been given. I am thankful for the sacrifices of vomit I have been able to make over and over again the past two months. But I'm also feeling guilty, although I don't know if "guilty" is exactly the word I'm looking for. I know so many people who are still stuck in this realm of pain, and I don't deserve this joy any more than they do. It's a strange feeling to so quickly be on the other side of this. In a post earlier this year, I argued that even  "even if you've been through it [infertility] in the past, you can no longer understand it." and I am already feeling that loss of connection. And, as much as I have hated dealing with infertility, it has repeatedly forced me draw closer and closer to the Lord. I know that pregnancy and motherhood have a way of doing that also, but in a different way than  what I've known already.

I'm sorry if this post seems a little all over the place, but I've been trying to sort out my thoughts during this new stage of life while still remembering from where I've come, and Mother's Day seemed as good a time as any to do so. Also, as a disclaimer of sorts, this post is in no way suggesting that every woman without children does or should feel this way. I also know so many women who are not now, and feel they may never be, called to have children, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I know that they are sometimes made to feel a whole different type of guilt, and that is in no way my intent.

On Being Painfully Aware of Infertility

First off, some disclaimers before I begin this post.
 1. I'm posting from my phone, so auto correct may bite me in the tushy quite a bit.
2. I may be a bit all over the place, and if so, I apologize.

Last week was National Infertility Awareness Week. I waited to post because, honestly, I was hoping to find out today that I was pregnant. I know I blogged through our first IVF experience, but I decided not to blog until after our Frozen Embryo Transfer because I wanted to keep it more private.  I do pave to go make some posts about the process and how it was different than our fresh transfer, but today I want to talk about other things.

Namely, infertility sucks. It never stops sucking. Today I got a call from our doctor telling us that my pregnancy test was negative. We transferred two embryos, two babies, and neither one implanted. This is worse than just a negative home test. It's not just and, "Oh, I didn't get pregnant this month." I KNEW there were two babies in my body. Two babies who I have been praying for for the last two years since they were created. And now they're gone. I'll never get to know them. I was never even actually pregnant with them. We created them and then my body failed them (I know that's a dramatic way of looking at it, but I'm feeling dramatic right now).

We spent over $5000 this time (far less than on Cai, but we make far less now than we did then). Five thousand that we scraped together through selling things and the generosity of some wonderful friends and family as well as our credit card. In fact, bills are still rolling in, and we're pretty broke. Which also means, we can't try again for a while. We have two embryos remaining, and they are even better quality than any of the others were, including Cai, but we're going to have to wait to save all over again.

Now I need to stop and pull back (I warned you that this would be all over the place), because right now I sound whiney and miserable, which I am at the moment, but I'm also still aware of all that I have to be thankful for. When I burst into tears this afternoon, I was met with hugs from my two favorite men; Steve and Cai. And if we never have any more children, that will be okay because I have both of them. And those hugs were followed by many texts and emails from friends and family who were praying for us today.

And I know my God is there. I know that his steadfast love endures forever. I know that He will hold me with His righteous right hand. I know that he has a plan for our family.

So infertility sucks. It's effing awful. And it always will be. But the love we've seen through it, the love we've grown through it, definitely doesn't suck.

And I know that for the next little while I'm going to bounce back and forth between sadness and resignation, anger and fear, longing and contenment. It's going to be hard.

On my way to my blood test this morning, I told the Lord that this time, I didn't feel as selfish as I did wanting Cai. I mean, I had unselfish reasons then too, but it was mostly just that I wanted a baby. But this time, it was more that; we just have more love to share. We love Cai so much, and enjoy loving him, and we just want to share that with more children.

And now this post sounds like I'm fishing for sympathy, but I'm not. I need to process the whole thing, and this helped, but I also want to help others process it, because I know I'm not the only one out there who has gone through this.

Thanks for the love and support, friends. Spoken and unspoken. We feel it. Both of us.

On How the Battle with Infertility is Never Over

God has blessed us with the best little man we could ask for.

We are so blessed that we were able to conceive him on our first round of IVF.

We are so blessed that we were able to freeze four embryos.

We are so blessed that God provided the money we needed to conceive Cai when we needed it.

We are so thankful for the amazing ways God has worked in our life as a family.


Our battle with infertility has changed so much because of what the Lord has chosen to do in our lives, but I'm quickly realizing that it is not gone.

We have four frozen embryos. In other words, we have four frozen babies. We plan to attempt to conceive all four of these babies by doing two frozen embryo transfers (FET) with two embryos each. These will cost around $5,000 each, give or take a thousand.

We originally planned to do our first FET when Cai was just over a year old, approximately five or six months from now. Then life happened. Steve lost his job (through no fault of his own), and although he has found a new one (praise the Lord), our income is less than half of what it was when we did IVF. This means that we really have no idea when we will be able to do a FET. It makes me anxious as I turned thirty this year and can feel that internal clock ticking.

On the other side of things, despite the fact that I am still breastfeeding (side note: breastfeeding and cloth diapering have been a huge blessing with the lack of income we dealt with for awhile. Basically, we didn't have to spend anything on Cai!), my cycle has returned. This is nearly miraculous as I never had a normal cycle ever and was wondering if it would ever even bother coming back. And not only has it returned, but it is more normal than it has been since I was in high school. Kind of crazy.

So now this presents a new dilemma. If pregnancy has helped to kick start my body into being closer to normal (apparently pregnancy can help with PCOS), and because we will not be able to afford a FET for at least another year or more, do we consider trying to get pregnant naturally?

Again, that clock is ticking and the younger I am the easier conceiving could be, so if we were to try to conceive naturally, now would be the time.

But what if we do get pregnant, then do to FETs and end up with six children? Are we okay with that?

Or what if we don't try, wait to do the FETs, and end up not getting pregnant with any, and miss any possible window to conceive naturally.

I mean, I know that ultimately God has a plan for the size of our family, and he will give us the strength to handle whoever comes our way, whether it be just Cai, five more, or a gaggle of adopted kids.

But these are things we have to think through that the average couple does not.

We can't just say, "Let's see what happens," and throw out the condoms, and that's it. We have four little lives waiting in limbo and one already in full swing who need to be considered.

I don't know.

Please don't get me wrong; I'm not complaining. We have been blessed beyond our imaginations with Cai. I guess I'm just amazed with how much infertility still weighs on us. How much it still affects us despite four babies waiting for us, despite the fact that our infertility issues could potentially be disappearing, despite that fact that there is a precious little man napping in his crib right now.

Overwhelmed

I started writing this post last night and just deleted everything I wrote. It amazes me how difficult it is to get out my feelings on Mother's Day this year.  I still feel strongly about the things I said last year,  but there's so much more to it now. I've spent this morning crying off and on;  tears of joy and sorrow. It doesn't help that I'm overtired; two of the worst nights of sleep Cai has had since the week we brought him home, plus planning a wedding shower, and being on the news (more on that at the bottom of the page), plus some really weird pain in my boob (yay breastfeeding, you wonderful terrible beast). I'm having a hard time sorting through the joy and the pain this year, especially when I didn't expect to feel any pain.

Joy 
I am rejoicing in my son. Yes,  he was fussy today after a rough night, but shortly before his second nap, the only position he was happy in was standing on my lap with his arms wrapped around my neck. We laughed and played together, and I cried. Sometimes the love is so great it hurts.

Thankfulness
There are no words to express how thankful I am that the Lord filled that emptiness I felt for so many years with the most amazing little boy.

Sorrow and Guilt
It's almost like survivor's guilt.  I know so many women who are in pain today; because they have no children; because they've lost a child or children; because they're waiting for their child. My heart aches for them.
 I scrolled through Facebook yesterday and today and saw post after post about motherhood. Mother's rejoicing in their children, bragging about them, thanking the Lord for them, thanking their children for making them mothers. I want to do that, but I can't because I know the pain it brings when you don't have that.

Frustration
I want to shout from the rooftops that being a mama is everything I wanted it to be and more, that it is fulfilling, that now that I'm a stay at home mom, I feel like I'm doing exactly what I was always meant to do (that statement is for me personally; I'm not trying to say that all moms should be stay at home moms). I don't want to feel like shouting that out is selfish.  I want to be oblivious to other people's feelings and focus on the wonder of my own.

Exhaustion and Inadequacy
Last night was one of the hardest nights of parenthood yet. I was already overtired and wanted to go to bed early, and then Cai made it worse.  After sleeping for an hour; he decided sleep wasn't worth it and alternated between crying inconsolably and laughing hysterically. We tried everything;  swaddling and not swaddling  (that's a battle I'll blog about another time), nursing him (my go-to for comfort that either works magically or pissess him off more), teething tablets, playing with him, reading to him, and bringing him into bed with me. Things worked and then they didn't.  At one point I sat on my bed and held my screaming baby and cried myself. I didn't know what to do. Then my amazing husband came in and took him and got him  finally to sleep (this is not to say I had been trying alone to that point; it's just for some reason,  this particular time that Steve took him worked). In contrast to my crying and frustration,  Steve took him with a smile and enjoyed coforting him. God knew what he was doing when He gave me Steve because we handle stress so differently (did I mention he lost his job a few weeks ago and is still handling everything with a smile and kindness? ). As thankful as I was, it reminded me that I am not Super Mom and never will be, and the sooner I learn to be okay with that, the better.

All of this to say that Mother's Day is not as painless as I thought it would be;  it's just different.  In a good way.  And that's okay.  It will always be different for me (Hopefully. May I never take it for granted.), and that's okay.
And those who are hurting today, for many reasons, secretly or publicly, know that I am asking for you and praying for you, for comfort and joy.

Also. ..
 I was interviewed on a local news program yesterday morning about my first Mother's Day after years of infertility. I was asked to be on the program through Sher Institute, my fertility clinic. It was a pretty neat experience. Of course there are things I wanted to say and didn't, and things I wish I hadn't said, or at least said differently, but overall, I'm pleased with how it went. You can watch it here: First time moms celebrate Mother's Day.

I'm Loving

I have been neglecting my blog as of late. I have several posts I want to write, but haven't sat down to write them.  I totally missed writing Cai's four month post, but at this point I'm going to just skip it and write the five month post in two weeks. He has started so many new things since writing his three month post, and I can't remember which he started when! Anyway, today is a post of things I'm loving right now.

Cai
I cannot say enough how much I love this kid. Today especially was a wonderful today. We visited our fertility clinic  and introduced Cai to Dr. Peters and basically everybody there. When we mentioned that we were also there to visit my dad in the offices downstairs, one of the ladies who posts to the Sher Fertility Facebook page ran downstairs and grabbed my dad and took some pictures of him to upload to Facebook. Cai posed for some additional pictures and even grinned on cue.

Just generally though, Cai is a lot of fun right now. He's able to do new things every day, and I'm loving watching him learn! Steve and I spent a lot of time just marveling at him today. He's so smiley and joyful. He's so interactive, not only with us, but with the dog too. He LOVES Finn! He lights up when Finn comes near him, reaches out to pet him (we've been teaching him "gentle"), tracks him when he walks around the room, and seems to appreciate it when Finn licks up his puke. :/

I'm loving being a mom right now.

A bathing suit that actually fits my boobs

I'm a freaking 38G cup size. Finding a bathing suit that fits over them has been nearly impossible. Even at stores like Lane Bryant I've had a hard time, but this last week I finally took a risk and bought one online from Figleaves.com. I bought a Curvy Kate tankini top, and I'm super happy with it. I cut off the bow between the boobs though, haha. What kills me though, is that Curvy Kate designs for curvy girls --they make bras and swimsuits for D-K cup sizes-- but most websites that carry their suits, have pictures of skinny girls in them (the picture to the left comes from herroom.com, the only site I could find that markets it with a "bigger" sized girl). Seriously? Anyway, the suit top fits (I paired it with a black skirt bottom I already own) and I actually feel kind of cute in it which is saying a lot because I'm still learning to embrace my post pregnancy belly (eight more pounds to pre-pregnancy weight and thirty+ to a healthy weight, but my goal is to like myself at every weight). I'm super excited about wearing it on vacation.

Longer days
I love everything about more sunlight. It gives me more energy and makes me so excited for warm days ahead.

Hylands Teething Tablets
They're seriously like magic. When it's clear that chomping on a teether is actually making things worse not better, some teething tablets (usually) work in literally minutes. We're not comfortable with using Advil or Tylenol on Cai, so it's super comforting to know that something natural works.

Five Kids is a Lot of Kids
I stumbled across this blog when I saw that she let her eight year old boys guest post on her blog. I started browsing around and ending up laughing out loud at some of her posts like when she pooped her closet, how her husband offers to support her, and how she lets her kids ask her questions about sex. I haven't read many more posts than that, but her writing style definitely had me in stitches.

My plan to make a teepee
I'm so excited about making a tepee. I'll blog about it when I do. I want something that we can use outside all summer to protect Cai from too much sunlight, but something that we can use while camping and in his bedroom down the road. I'm so excited about doing it, and hope to shop for the supplies tomorrow or Friday.

Spring Cleaning

Now don't get me wrong, I am not one who usually enjoys cleaning. I am a major procrastinator. But spring cleaning is different. I make huge lists. Like, seriously, I made six pages of lists this year. So far I've only checked off about four or five items, but I really love having a list and cleaning all of the little details that we don't normally pay attention to. I spent some time this week making a "command center" in our kitchen. Hopefully it helps us to be a little bit more organized. If not, I still like the way it looks. :)

A Year Ago Today...

A year ago today, around this same time in the evening, Steve and I sat on the couch in our living room and listened to a voice mail. The original call had come around two early that day, but I refused to listen to it until we were together. We snuggled on the couch, held each other's hands and listened.

Our nurse Kristine's voice rang out,  "Hello, Lorena..." I didn't really have to hear the rest, her tone of voice was enough, but just to be sure, I listened on. "We got the results of your beta back. You are pregnant! Congratulations!" We hugged each other and cried, and our world changed forever.

Five and half years of waiting was finally over.

And the past year has been filled with ups and downs, like any year (IVF, Steve's promotion to Philly, Steve's being moved to Reading, selling our house, not selling our house, leaving my job to be a mom, Steve taking a new job, HAVING A BABY), but I can honestly say that it has probably been the best year of my life. I think I can even say that it has been the best year of our life. Steve and I have grown even closer and our marriage has become even stronger.

Our little Cai turns four months old tomorrow, and he certainly fits the meaning of his name, "rejoice", both because he makes us rejoice and because he is such a joyful baby.

I've been mentally writing another post about infertility and the continuing effects it still has on us, but right now, I just want to rejoice.

Thank you , Lord, for all that you have given.

Today I'm Feeling...

One year ago this week, I made another post with the same title. I thought I'd do a comparison post today.


Last Year
Tired. The past couple of days have been super stressful between financial drama regarding the IVF and the snow causing me to be late for doctor's appointments, and battling a severe headache today. Is it spring yet?

This Year
Healthy. I have not been sick since a slight cold just after becoming pregnant. I think that is the longest I have gone in my ENTIRE LIFE without being sick. I'm chalking it up mostly to God's graciousness with a small nod to my prenatal vitamins. I'm tired, but not extremely so. I'm also feeling pretty emotionally healthy too.

Last Year
Relieved. All of the financial issues were worked out thanks to an amazing husband who jumped to the rescue to the point of leaving work early and driving two and a half hours to pick me up and work things out at the bank, and thanks to God's perfect timing with our income tax return.

This Year
Provided for. We cut our income significantly between Steve's pay cut with his job change and my not working, but God is providing everything that we need. More importantly, Steve is home at least four more hours a day than he used to be and is far less stressed now that he is no longer working for Walmart. 

Last Year
Thankful. For my Lord's perfect timing. Between all of the money falling into place at literally the eleventh hour and some other little things that He's done, I'm feeling so thankful. I mean, even, in a weird way, the fact that my sister has been sick and home from work for a few weeks now has been a blessing. Having someone here with me when Steve is stuck at work because of the snow has made this stressful time (and dark winter) bearable. I'm not glad that she's sick, but the timing has been a blessing to me and I'm so thankful for her and how she's helped me. (Pray for her if you think of it. Although she's not really in any real danger, the time until full recovery is indefinite right now.)

This Year
Content. I feel like I am exactly where I should be at the this point in my life. Although I miss my identity as a teacher, I am 100% happy with being a stay at home wife and mom. This is what God has designed me for right now, and although it was difficult waiting for Him to bring us to this point, I wouldn't give up anything that led us here.

Last Year
Excited. It's all really starting to feel real now. I will most likely be pregnant soon (I'm not going to share the exact timing, partly because I don't know it yet, and partly because I want to be able to keep it to ourselves for at least a day or so after we find out, haha).


This Year
Excited. Cai is growing and changing so much every day, and I'm excited to see what comes next. We are going to be going on vacation with Steve's family my family in May, and I can't wait to experience it with Cai. It's so weird to think about all of the things we have to pack for traveling with a baby and that Cai will be a different baby in three months than he is now, doing completely different things! It is so fun to watch him learn and try news things every day!

Last Year
Hopefully Expectant. I feel like I have turned a corner with hope and am feeling more expectant than intrepid right now. I feel like I had to take a faith jump this week to prove that. It's a silly thing, but I have to order my bridesmaid dress for my sister-in-law's wedding which is in July. The dress is being discontinued, so I have to order it before I find out that I'm definitely pregnant, but I'm still going to order as if I will be pregnant. Actually, per the David's Bridal consultant suggestion, I will order three sizes bigger instead of the normally suggested two sizes because as she put it, "you're more likely to have twins, so I would go up three sizes." Apparently she is moderately familiar with IVF, haha.

This Year
Hopefully Expectant. We are already thinking about when we will do a frozen embryo transfer with two of the four frozen babies we have. There's a sense of urgency knowing that they are already in existence and waiting for us. I would like to breast feed for a full year, then take a month or so to do some detoxing, focusing specifically on liver health in hopes of preventing a recurrence of cholestasis during my (Lord willing) next pregnancy, then start the process of the FET. It will be less expensive and less time consuming than a fresh IVF was. The possibility of twins is a little more daunting now that we've had one baby than it was before we had any, but with the possibility of having to have more c sections, we don't want to risk four pregnancies. It's also difficult not to assume that future pregnancy will happen because we were successful on our first try. We are still battling infertility even though we have a baby now (although it is completely different now), and I have to remind myself that it may be in God's plan that we have only one biological baby. 

Last Year
Puffy. I started the FSH stimulating meds this week and my ovaries started to feel puffy and bloated very quickly, like after the second day of these. Because of my PCOS, I'm at risk for hyperstimulation, so this concerned me, but I went in for my bloodwork today to check my estradiol level and the doctor decided to cut the rest of my Follistim doses in half just to be safe. This makes me feel better and safer. Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome is not super common (I think like 5% of women get it or something), but another blogger I follow, who also has PCOS, just went through it, and I'd like to avoid it at all costs.
Because of the puffiness in my abdomen, I've been leaning toward looser clothing like yoga pants, and stretchy skirts and dresses. Unfortunately I can't wear yoga pants to work and have a limited number of dresses and skirts that I can wear (especially with boots which I'm leaning toward because I'm still having to park at the end of my very long driveway and walk down through the snow every morning), so I'm finding myself making a wish list of dresses like this one from Like Twice or this one from Target.
Sore. I'm not a huge fan of the Follistim pen and the menopur injections. They sting for a while afterward even after I ice the injection spot. Keeping busy and distracted after giving them helps. So does putting ice on them afterward, but I'm still not loving it. Giving myself the lupron injections made me feel empowered. These new ones are not my friends though. I did read some tips on handling these from this blog and this one.

This Year
Plump. And not pleasantly. Technically I have only ten more pounds of baby weight to lose, but I still feel huge. Not to mention I was overweight to begin with, so there's a lot more weight I would like to lose. I go through cycles of being content with having a different body now to being disgusted with the way I look. I am basically one giant stretch mark now. The only body parts without stretch marks are my feet (amazingly enough because they looked like somebody pumped them up with a bicycle pump) and my face. I have more chins than I ever have before and a belly that isn't just bigger than I want it to be, but that flops over. I do some exercising, but pregnancy has left my joints very stiff; I often still feel like I'm carrying the full 45 lbs. I gained, especially in my hips and knees. There's a fine balance between loving your body where it is now and striving for good health, and I have yet to find it.

Last Year
Surrounded. By the prayers and encouragement of so many people. It makes me really glad that I'm being open about this process. Although I'm sure others think I'm nuts because I'm being so open, it has made me feel loved and helps to know that so many people are praying. My coworkers and bosses have been particularly amazing and accommodating. My family has also been absolutely amazing.

This Year
Conflicted. I am over the moon with joy about God putting Cai in our life, and I want to shout it from the roof tops, but sometimes I feel guilty shouting so loudly, because I know there are women struggling like I did, some who feel like they have no hope. I try to remember that I was excited and happy for people I knew who went from struggling to having a baby, but I also don't want to flaunt my happiness. There's almost a feeling of guilt for feeling so happy and fulfilled. It's another area where I need to find balance. Which reminds me, Logan of With Great Expectation, whose blog posts I have shared here here before, made a post this week about the conflict between the difficulty of being a mom and feeling guilty because other people are desperate for even the hard parts. I can honestly say that being a mom hasn't been super difficult for me yet, but I really struggled with those feeling while I was pregnant, especially in the last trimester when I was still puking, itching all over, aching, etc. I did not enjoy that at all, and I wanted to, and did, complain, but I was still thankful. Again, it's a difficult balance.

What You Want to Know about Our IVF Experience (But Were Afraid to Ask)

Over the past several months I've had a few people ask some good questions about what IVF means and how it works for us. Most of these people were people we are close with, so they were able to ask us things that other's might not. Others were people who are considering fertility treatments themselves. I thought I'd take the time to answer some of those questions and give people the opportunity to ask others without worrying about offending us or making us uncomfortable.

How much did it cost?
In total, the whole shebang cost us approximately $14,000. We didn't h
ave to pay that all at once though. The package our fertility specialist provided for one round of IVF (you can actually pay for two or three rounds at once at a discounted price, but if you get pregnant the first time; you've paid for three and only used one) cost about $9,500. That was with a discount because I'm a full time teacher. We had to pay all of that up front. There were some thing that were not included in that original price including the mock embryo transfer and a few of the ultrasounds. Our insurance covered little to none of the meds I needed, so they cost over $1000 total. After our eggs were fertilized, we also had to pay a storage fee for each of the four remaining embryos. Those are the major costs I can think of right now.

How did you come up with the money for it?
People pay for fertility treatments in different ways because very few insurance companies provided much coverage for what are considered "unnecessary" procedures. I know of some people who saved for years and others who started gofundme.com or similar accounts and asked other people to help them out. We actually ended up withdrawing most of the money needed up front from Steve's 401k. We were able to do this without penalty because his 401k allowed for a certain amount of withdraw from medical procedures not covered by insurance. The rest we paid out of pocket as the bills came up.

Did you use a sperm or egg donor?
This questions surprised me and was actually what inspired me to write this post. I didn't realize that people would wonder about that. Because our infertility issues centered mainly around that fact that I don't ovulate like a normal person (I have plenty of eggs, they just don't get released), we had no need to use either donor eggs or donor sperm. In other words, biologically, Cai is fully Querns/Templeton.

Is your pregnancy considered high risk?
No. Once the doctor heard the heart beat, our pregnancy was considered completely normal. If both embryos had implanted, having twins would have placed me as high risk, but because this is a singleton pregnancy, we are totally normal now.

What will you do with the remaining embryos?
This was a huge concern for me. I had read about women who had far more eggs harvested than we did, and I was afraid we'd end up with more embryos than we could conceivably use in a lifetime. Because Steve and I believe that life begins when sperm and egg meet, this would have presented some major ethical dilemmas for us as we would consider discarding those embryos as abortion. Thankfully, only nine eggs were harvested; eight successfully developed into embryos; two were used in this, our first attempt at IVF; one implanted and resulted in this pregnancy; four are frozen for our future use. The hope is that all four of those embryos will survive the thawing process in the future and result in two more pregnancies with one or two babies each.

Does that mean you won't try to get pregnant naturally?
Some people say that getting pregnant helps to correct fertility issues caused by PCOS. As much as I would love for this to be true, we have decided that we will be using some form of birth control (probably something on the more natural side) to prevent that from happening because we basically have four more babies already in existence. This doesn't mean it won't happen, but that would be totally God's doing and not ours.

Other than discarding the embryos or using them, what else could you do with them?
We could offer our frozen embryos up for adoption to a family who cannot conceive on their own. This is something we have talked about, but unless God would put a specific situation in our paths and on our hearts, we do not feel it is something we want to do. These are our babies.

What fertility doctor did you use and would your recommend him?
We went with Dr. Peters in Asbury, NJ (he also has a Bethlehem, PA office) who is a part of Sher Fertility, a respected fertility chain (look them up at www.haveababy.com). We chose him originally because his new office is on the floor above my dad's office. My dad is building inspector and actually did some of the inspection on Dr. Peters's new office; he was very impressed with the doctor and told him about us and us about him. We decided to make an appointment and were impressed with both him and all of his staff. A frustration we had with the other reproductive endocrinologist we had tried years ago was the office and nursing staff (we liked the doctor herself), so this was a big deal to me in particular. We also liked the way Dr. Peters explained everything to us in an understandable way. He was forthright about our issues and options and encouraging about what he recommended we do. I would not only recommend Dr. Peters himself, but also Sher fertility as whole. They have several offices throughout the country, and I am impressed with their results and their attitude (seen through what they and their patients post on their Facebook page).

Do you expect any problems in or after your pregnancy due to PCOS?
I've read about different things that PCOS and other aspects of my hormone imbalance could cause, but haven't had any major problems because of them yet. I did have anti-thyroid antibodies that put me at a slightly elevated risk of early miscarriage, but obviously that didn't happen (I plan to go to an endocrinologist after the baby is born because I'm sure I have thyroid issues). I could have issues with breastfeeding like low milk supply or really high milk supply. I may be more likely to deliver a little early rather than go past my due date. I am more likely to gain excess weigh (which is why I've made such a big deal about the relatively low amount I've gained so far) and to have gestational diabetes (which is why I'm nervous about my glucose test). I also may struggle more with losing the baby weight afterward.

I know there are more questions out there, but I can't think of them at the moment. If you have any you would like to add, either because you just want to know, you've been through it already and have been asked those questions, or you're thinking about doing IVF yourself, please feel free to  The whole point of the infertility aspect of this blog is to help others going through it, so please don't worry about asking an awkward question.

Throwback...Friday?

I know it's supposed to be Throwback Thursday, but I'm not really on the ball this week. I've been helping out at VBS again, and I love it, but it wears me out even more than usually right now. If I had been on the ball, sharing this yesterday would have been perfect as it would have not only been Thursday, but exactly two years since I wrote the post below. I thought I'd share it again anyway though for encouragement for anyone still struggling through waiting and as a reminder to myself as to how we've made it to this point. It wasn't by my strength or Steve's or the doctor's and nurses' abilities, but because of the Lord and the Lord alone.

No Matter How You Feel, Trust God.

It's been awhile since I posted. Between vacation and the heat, I just haven't felt like putting together a post although I have about a million different things I want to post about. I decided to put together a quick post today though because I've been feeling so discouraged, and God was so clearly teaching me through VBS today.

The past couple days I've been feeling extremely discouraged over our battle with infertility. Without going into great detail, I will just say that for the past couple weeks, my hopes have been way up. There was evidence that the metformin was working, and other encouraging things had happened. My mind set was that if we didn't get pregnant this month, there was still hope for next month because my body had started to do what it was supposed to.

Not so much. The metformin either isn't doing what it's supposed to or just isn't doing it the way I expected to. And with no private adoption opportunities currently on our horizons, I've just gotten into that I'm-sick-and-tired-of-waiting-and-I-don't-know-if-I-can-handle-this-anymore slump.

Then I went to VBS today. Not at my home church, but at the church affiliated with the school where I work. Today's theme for the day was "No matter how you feel, trust God." The Bible story was about Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. I guess I never thought about Mary and Martha waiting from the view point of someone who is waiting. They waited past the point of hope. They had no hope left. And yet, God answered there prayer in a way other than what they expected.

The lyrics to the song we sang today also caught my attention.


My mind is spinning.
I'm all confused.
I'm feeling sad and afraid
and kind of angry too.
How can I be strong when everything is going wrong.
God give me strength and help me to find my way.
I've gotta think, think, think,
Think about the goodness of you,
My God.
Because I know, know, know
No matter how I feel
I gotta trust in you.
I wanna trust in you.

Never underestimate God's ability to speak to you through any situation.
Putting this knowledge into practice is a whole 'nother ball game though.

Thoughts on Mother's Day after Infertility

Mother's Day is a day to honor your mother. To thank her for the sacrifices of love that she made for you. To pamper her a bit and allow her to enjoy a day that is about her and not every one else.

That being said, for the past five years or so it has been difficult for me not to think about myself on Mother's Day. I think any woman who cannot have children (but wants to) or who has lost children can relate to this feeling, whether she is the mother of miscarried children, adopted children that will never be hers, or dream children that have yet to exist. I know of so many women who are waiting for children adopted or biological (or even waiting for a husband first and the children to follow). I know of so many women who have stopped waiting and have learned to live without children for various reasons. For us Mother's Day brings pain.

Mother's Day is a reminder of what we don't have, can't have. We hear constantly about what a gift motherhood is, what a beautiful sacrifice. I recently read a quote on Pinterest that said something to the extent of "People who have not had children cannot truly know love." Now, whether or not that quote is accurate or not can, I'm sure, be hotly debated on both sides, but that's not my point. My point is that that is how I have felt over the past five and half years, most of the time, but especially on Mother's Day. Mother's Day has left me feeling empty, wondering if I will ever get to experience this wonder that others enjoy so much.

For awhile, I went through a period where every Sunday in church was painful. There were two reasons for this. First, I attended a church that was burgeoning with growing families with new additions, it seemed like, every week. This deepened my sense of loss. Second, every Sunday it seemed the Lord would bring me to my knees reminding me to turn to him when I felt this deep sense of loss. Either way, I cried every Sunday, and Mother's Day was worse. This weekend a friend shared a link on Facebook that also talked about the pain of Mother's Day, specifically at church. It recognizes the pain that SO MANY women experience on Mother's Day.

So, okay, I've established that Mother's Day can be painful, not just for me, but for anyone who is experiencing that sense of loss, but what's my point? Do I think we should stop honoring our mothers? Of course not. The fact that they should be honored and deserve to be honored is part of the very reason Mother's Day is difficult for me. Am I even proposing change or just rambling? I don't really know. I guess I'm proposing first, that we be aware. Aware of the pain others may be experiencing. Aware of the broad spectrum of mothers that are out there. I'm also proposing, second, that we be more open. I think we can all agree that I am QUITE open (some argue more than I should be) about what I've been going through for the past several years, and I think that it has helped others to know how to love me and other people going through similar experiences to me, better. Openness, especially within a family of believers can allow us all to love each other better. If I do not know that you are going through a painful experience, no matter what the type, I will not necessarily know how to better love you through it. Third, I'm proposing that we go out of our way to thank those who are mothers in an nontraditional form. The people who mother our children at school, in Sunday school, at sports practices. The godmothers and mentors and encouragers. Those who love unconditionally and unreservedly because they choose too. I can think of so many people who have "mothered" me who are not my mother, but who deserve the gratitude that a mother receives. Shame on me for not thanking them earlier.

All of this being said, I am feeling almost a sense of guilt because this year on Mother's Day, I'm not in mourning. Instead I am rejoicing for the experiences to come and the gift I have been given. I am thankful for the sacrifices of vomit I have been able to make over and over again the past two months. But I'm also feeling guilty, although I don't know if "guilty" is exactly the word I'm looking for. I know so many people who are still stuck in this realm of pain, and I don't deserve this joy any more than they do. It's a strange feeling to so quickly be on the other side of this. In a post earlier this year, I argued that even  "even if you've been through it [infertility] in the past, you can no longer understand it." and I am already feeling that loss of connection. And, as much as I have hated dealing with infertility, it has repeatedly forced me draw closer and closer to the Lord. I know that pregnancy and motherhood have a way of doing that also, but in a different way than  what I've known already.

I'm sorry if this post seems a little all over the place, but I've been trying to sort out my thoughts during this new stage of life while still remembering from where I've come, and Mother's Day seemed as good a time as any to do so. Also, as a disclaimer of sorts, this post is in no way suggesting that every woman without children does or should feel this way. I also know so many women who are not now, and feel they may never be, called to have children, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I know that they are sometimes made to feel a whole different type of guilt, and that is in no way my intent.

I Don't Even Know What to Title This Post

I've started this post multiple times over the past couple weeks, but haven't been able to finish it. I've also avoided answering comments, and I'm not sure why.

Today though, this post is kind of writing itself.

This morning was a rough morning. I woke up early and despite wanting to go back to sleep, had to get up and go to the bathroom. I also woke up with a bad headache. The house was cold because, despite the fact that it was snowing when we went to bed last night, my husband turned off the heat. I turned it back on, after going to the bathroom, and curled up under a blanket on the couch.

A few short minutes later, I was up and running back to the bathroom to throw up. Feeling shaky after all of that retching on a near empty stomach, I lay on the floor while the dog came over to check on me. As he was snuggling and sniffing me, I noticed a big tick on his neck. I grabbed some tweezers and pulled it off, trying not to throw up, again.

I started to put my pants on, the only pair I have that I can currently button, and noticed that they had dust or something on them. I tried to shake them out, but put them on anyway because, well, because they are my only dress pants that fit and my skirts were in the wash.

I finished my morning routine and headed to work. About ten minutes into my drive, my stomach started to roll again, and I prayed, "Oh, please, Lord, no," while grabbing a plastic bag. I ended up having to pull over and spend a few minutes throwing up again.

My first reaction is to complain. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of not feeling like myself. I'm tired of feeling nauseous almost all day, every day. And then I remember why I feel this way. I'm throwing up because I am eight weeks and three days pregnant. I'm tired because I am eight weeks and three days pregnant. My pants don't fit because I am eight weeks and three days pregnant. I AM PREGNANT! And them by heart fills with thankfulness for what the Lord has done for us. Don't get my wrong, I'm still praying for some relief, but I wouldn't give this up for anything.

It hasn't really sunk in to me yet that after five and a half years Steve and I are finally going to have a baby. Maybe that's why the complaining comes easily, because I keep forgetting why. I think maybe it's because for so long I've hoped to be pregnant and imagined symptoms like this that it almost seems like I'm imagining it now.

This morning really was a rough morning. I don't throw up every morning, although it's happening more frequently now that I've hit eight weeks, but I do feel nauseous pretty much all day long, particularly when I'm hungry. I'm extremely tired and unfocused. I pee a lot. I've also been making bathroom trips more often for other reasons (I'm thankful I'm not constipated though). All of this has been going on basically since right before we found out for sure that I'm pregnant, though it has all become more pronounced as time goes on.

I'll make another update soon and tell you about what it was like to receive the phone call after my first beta and what our first ultrasound was like, I just didn't want to make you wait any longer. I'll close with this video...you have to turn the sound up all the way to hear it, but it's a video of the baby's heartbeat. The weird sound in the middle is the sound of Steve's phone zooming in, but after that sound you can hear the heartbeat, then the doctor saying, "awesome." I think I make a squeaky noise somewhere in the middle too because I was in awe. There's only one baby, which I'm surprisingly okay with, although Steve was really hoping for twins. I reminded him that we have four more embryos and we can try for twins next time. I'll write more about that another time too.

Embryo Transfer

I'm sorry it's been so long since I posted. Getting my thoughts about this whole process into words has been more difficult than I anticipated.

I wanted to share a little bit about what the embryo transfer was like, and what I felt like afterward, particularly the first few days.

Leading up to the transfer, I was extremely bloated. For a while, I thought that was part of the side effects from the progesterone (bloating and constipation are some of the top ones on the list), but after talking to my nurse, I learned that it was more likely mild hyper stimulation. This freaked me out. I was so afraid that it would keep me from having the transfer done on time. My nurse recommend drinking more water (I was already chugging it like crazy) and eating smaller meals to help with the bloating. I had never had bloating like that before. No matter how little I ate, I felt afterward like I had just eaten a three course meal and my gut was about to burst. Apparently this is mainly because of the extra fluid filling my abdomen. I think I was also expecting all of the pain from the retrieval to be gone immediately after the retrieval, but it took several days, basically until the day of the transfer, for me to feel like I could wear normal pants again and actually button them.

My transfer was on a Friday, and I took the day off of work. My husband also happened to be on vacation that week, so he didn't have to take the day off, which was awesome! We had received updates on our six embryos throughout the week and were told in advance that we were probably looking at a five day transfer. We didn't know, however, what time our transfer would be until about an hour and half before we needed to be at the doctor's office. We planned around this though. In order to make sure I was nice and relaxed, I asked my friend Adriano, a massage therapist, to come and give me a relaxing massage before the transfer. He had  been giving me therapeutic deep tissue massages for a weeks before hand, but the morning of the transfer he focused on helping me relax.

Steve and I headed to the clinic, quite excited, and quite nervous. I had to drink a lot of water in order to have a full bladder which would make it easier for the doctor to see for the transfer. This was the worst part. I always tend to over-do it when asked to drink water for an ultrasound, and I could barely walk I had to go so badly.

Like with the egg retrieval, I had to dress in a gown and booties and cap. Steve did too because he was coming back with me for the transfer. The nurse had to check and make sure my bladder was full via ultrasound which was also torture. She was super sympathetic and even told me that the doctor had been peed on before, which was a relief because I was so afraid that would happen.

We decided to have two embryos transferred even though, technically, the doctor was only recommending one. He said our embryos were all really healthy, so because of that and my age, we only needed to do one, though there was nothing wrong with two. He actually used the phrase, "You guys make great babies" when telling us how healthy our embryos were.

The procedure itself was uncomfortable, but not terrible. It was mainly uncomfortable because my bladder was so full and adding more down there (a speculum, saline, catheter, etc.) was torture. It was really difficult to relax enough to keep the procedure from being painful, but not so relaxed that I peed on him.

After they transferred the embryos, I had to remain laying down for ten minutes before I could get up to pee. Steve did his best to distract me with conversation, and we also spent a lot of time looking at the pictures we were given of our embryos. It was a really neat time together, even if Steve did pretend that he was going to make me wait fifteen minutes instead of ten (he had the watch). It was also right around this point when Steve told me I was "kind of glowing." I was just so excited to know that my babies were inside me. In all of our trying, as far as I know, we had never been to the point where there was this much potential of life, so I was just ecstatic. My eyes were leaking a bit too.

We went out to Panera before going home and resting. The other nice thing about having the transfer on a Friday was that I could just rest  the next two days without having to worry about work. I spent those two days watching reruns of The Office, eating good food, and praying.

Our four remaining embryos were all healthy and were all frozen by the end of the day of the transfer. I plan to make a post later on my thoughts on what that means for us and the ethical issues that IVF brings up.

Overall, I'm feeling great, and I'll update soon about our progress since the transfer including the dreaded TWO WEEK WAIT.

16 Tips for IVF Egg Retrieval

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I had my egg retrieval this week. It was pretty simple, but I thought I'd offer some tips and tricks I learned through experience, research, and advice from others.

1. Expect the week leading up to your retrieval to be unpredictable. I had a scheduled appointment on Monday, and because my doctor had cut back on my Follistim in the beginning, I expected to be ready for retrieval then. I was not. They upped my stim. meds, and I had to come back for and ultrasound and blood work on Wednesday and Friday. By Friday I was super nervous. I had used up all of my stim. meds and did not want to spend more on them. My eggs on Wednesday were still too small because their growth had stalled, and I was so afraid that things weren't working right. Steve and I prayed together about it the night before, and right before I went in for that last ultrasound, I texted a few people and asked them to pray specifically for ready eggs. I was so excited to be able text them back fifteen minutes later and tell them I was ready for my trigger shot. Apparently, because I have PCOS, my body produced lots and lots of follicles, but because there were so many, it didn't leave much room for others to grow. 

2. If you're using the Follistim pen, like I was, you may end up having to give yourself multiple injections to get the full dose those last few days. The serum comes in vials with 300 units. If I had been ready when I thought I was going to be, I would have had leftover medication, in five different vials, but because I went several days further, and because my doses were increased, I actually had to stick myself four times the one night with 50 units from the end of one vial, 75 from another, 75 from another, and 25 from another, just to get my full dose of 225. It wasn't fun, and was rather nerve wracking.

3. Do whatever you can to make yourself comfortable for those multiple appointments leading up to the retrieval. I took the advice of Logan from With Great Expectation and wore a skirt whenever possible. The weather here made that a little difficult, but it was heplful when I could. First of all they were stretchy which felt better on my belly which was puffy from the stimulation. Second of all, it made me feel less awkward for those internal ultrasounds because all I had to was drop my underwear instead of strip down to the waste. The nurse and the doctor actually commented on how quickly I was dressed after the ultrasound. 

The other thing that helped me feel more comfortable was to bring a pair of socks with me. I wear dress shoes to work and don't usually wear socks with them. Sometimes that makes my feet a little stinky, and because they were up in the air and near the doctor's face, I felt better slipping on a pair of socks. Weird, but it made me feel better. I also brought my Nook with me to read in the waiting room.

4. If you can get someone else to give you your HCG trigger shot, I recommend it. My mom is a nurse and lives next door, so she gave me my shot in my tush. I was super nervous because it was a longer needle than the ones I had been giving myself, but it barely hurt.

5. Wear comfortable clothes to your retrieval. Your doctor will tell you this, but I liked it because it set the tone for me. I was relaxed and ready to go. I wore yoga pants and a v-neck t-shirt.

6. Don't wear perfume or scented lotions. Your doctor will tell you this too. Apparently they can reduce egg quality. Because it's winter, my skin is really dry, despite all of the water I've been chugging, so I used coconut oil as a moisturizer. No scent, but still moisturizing. I was also really glad that I had switched to an unscented laundry detergent months ago. I had already decided that I didn't want the extra toxins (if I want the scent in the future, I occasionally add essential oil in with my detergent).

7. The IV is the only pain you'll really feel during the procedure. The nurse had a hard time with mine...apparently the skin on my hand is tough. Steve watched the whole thing and was pretty grossed out. It hurt, but wasn't unbearable. She switched to the inside of my elbow, and it was fine then.

8. Try not to be resentful that while your giving up eggs in a surgical procedure, your husband is giving his sperm in a far different way, haha. I'm not really resentful, I just think it's a little unfair. :o)

9. That being said, enjoy the time with your husband. We were waiting for the procedure to begin for a while and it was fun to joke about the booties and ridiculous hair cap I had to wear. It was nice to have someone to tie the back of my gown tightly too. :o) We both actually really enjoyed talking while we waited, though Steve eventually got a little sleepy.

10. When the nurses offer a trip to the bathroom, take it, even if you don't feel like you have to go. I was sure that I didn't need to, but apparently my bladder was full when he began the procedure, and he actually had to put a catheter in to drain it, putting me at risk for a UTI (they can't use the betadine that they usually use to further disinfect the sterile catheter because it would affect egg quality). I was asleep for all of this, but I felt badly about it afterward.

11. Expect to be loopy when you wake up. I apparently said coherent things, but Steve says I said them over and over again. I'm sure the doctor and the nurses expected that, but it frustrated me to know that I sounded silly. I also shivered a lot when I was done, which I expected because the same type of anesthesia made me shake when I had my wisdom teeth pulled. The nurse brought me an extra blanket and that helped.

12. Plan to grab something small to eat on the way home. I was super hungry after not eating since six the night before, so we grabbed a small meal at Panera on the way home.

13. Have dinner made or planned ahead of time. My mom planned to make dinner for us, and I was thankful because all I wanted when I came home was a nap.

14. Expect to be uncomfortable off and on after the retrieval. Nothing worse than menstrual cramps, but uncomfortable. I was also a little gassy too, which I had read might be the case. Some people experience constipation too. Thankfully, I didn't; I think partly because I drank a ton afterward to avoid the constipation and to fend off the risk of a UTI. 

15. Enjoy being done with your injections! If you have progesterone suppositories instead of the progesterone in oil injections like me; you're done!  I am so thankful that I won't be stabbing myself anymore. 

16. Relax. The stressful part is over. Now it's just more waiting, and at this point, you're an expert!