Today I'm Feeling...

One year ago this week, I made another post with the same title. I thought I'd do a comparison post today.


Last Year
Tired. The past couple of days have been super stressful between financial drama regarding the IVF and the snow causing me to be late for doctor's appointments, and battling a severe headache today. Is it spring yet?

This Year
Healthy. I have not been sick since a slight cold just after becoming pregnant. I think that is the longest I have gone in my ENTIRE LIFE without being sick. I'm chalking it up mostly to God's graciousness with a small nod to my prenatal vitamins. I'm tired, but not extremely so. I'm also feeling pretty emotionally healthy too.

Last Year
Relieved. All of the financial issues were worked out thanks to an amazing husband who jumped to the rescue to the point of leaving work early and driving two and a half hours to pick me up and work things out at the bank, and thanks to God's perfect timing with our income tax return.

This Year
Provided for. We cut our income significantly between Steve's pay cut with his job change and my not working, but God is providing everything that we need. More importantly, Steve is home at least four more hours a day than he used to be and is far less stressed now that he is no longer working for Walmart. 

Last Year
Thankful. For my Lord's perfect timing. Between all of the money falling into place at literally the eleventh hour and some other little things that He's done, I'm feeling so thankful. I mean, even, in a weird way, the fact that my sister has been sick and home from work for a few weeks now has been a blessing. Having someone here with me when Steve is stuck at work because of the snow has made this stressful time (and dark winter) bearable. I'm not glad that she's sick, but the timing has been a blessing to me and I'm so thankful for her and how she's helped me. (Pray for her if you think of it. Although she's not really in any real danger, the time until full recovery is indefinite right now.)

This Year
Content. I feel like I am exactly where I should be at the this point in my life. Although I miss my identity as a teacher, I am 100% happy with being a stay at home wife and mom. This is what God has designed me for right now, and although it was difficult waiting for Him to bring us to this point, I wouldn't give up anything that led us here.

Last Year
Excited. It's all really starting to feel real now. I will most likely be pregnant soon (I'm not going to share the exact timing, partly because I don't know it yet, and partly because I want to be able to keep it to ourselves for at least a day or so after we find out, haha).


This Year
Excited. Cai is growing and changing so much every day, and I'm excited to see what comes next. We are going to be going on vacation with Steve's family my family in May, and I can't wait to experience it with Cai. It's so weird to think about all of the things we have to pack for traveling with a baby and that Cai will be a different baby in three months than he is now, doing completely different things! It is so fun to watch him learn and try news things every day!

Last Year
Hopefully Expectant. I feel like I have turned a corner with hope and am feeling more expectant than intrepid right now. I feel like I had to take a faith jump this week to prove that. It's a silly thing, but I have to order my bridesmaid dress for my sister-in-law's wedding which is in July. The dress is being discontinued, so I have to order it before I find out that I'm definitely pregnant, but I'm still going to order as if I will be pregnant. Actually, per the David's Bridal consultant suggestion, I will order three sizes bigger instead of the normally suggested two sizes because as she put it, "you're more likely to have twins, so I would go up three sizes." Apparently she is moderately familiar with IVF, haha.

This Year
Hopefully Expectant. We are already thinking about when we will do a frozen embryo transfer with two of the four frozen babies we have. There's a sense of urgency knowing that they are already in existence and waiting for us. I would like to breast feed for a full year, then take a month or so to do some detoxing, focusing specifically on liver health in hopes of preventing a recurrence of cholestasis during my (Lord willing) next pregnancy, then start the process of the FET. It will be less expensive and less time consuming than a fresh IVF was. The possibility of twins is a little more daunting now that we've had one baby than it was before we had any, but with the possibility of having to have more c sections, we don't want to risk four pregnancies. It's also difficult not to assume that future pregnancy will happen because we were successful on our first try. We are still battling infertility even though we have a baby now (although it is completely different now), and I have to remind myself that it may be in God's plan that we have only one biological baby. 

Last Year
Puffy. I started the FSH stimulating meds this week and my ovaries started to feel puffy and bloated very quickly, like after the second day of these. Because of my PCOS, I'm at risk for hyperstimulation, so this concerned me, but I went in for my bloodwork today to check my estradiol level and the doctor decided to cut the rest of my Follistim doses in half just to be safe. This makes me feel better and safer. Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome is not super common (I think like 5% of women get it or something), but another blogger I follow, who also has PCOS, just went through it, and I'd like to avoid it at all costs.
Because of the puffiness in my abdomen, I've been leaning toward looser clothing like yoga pants, and stretchy skirts and dresses. Unfortunately I can't wear yoga pants to work and have a limited number of dresses and skirts that I can wear (especially with boots which I'm leaning toward because I'm still having to park at the end of my very long driveway and walk down through the snow every morning), so I'm finding myself making a wish list of dresses like this one from Like Twice or this one from Target.
Sore. I'm not a huge fan of the Follistim pen and the menopur injections. They sting for a while afterward even after I ice the injection spot. Keeping busy and distracted after giving them helps. So does putting ice on them afterward, but I'm still not loving it. Giving myself the lupron injections made me feel empowered. These new ones are not my friends though. I did read some tips on handling these from this blog and this one.

This Year
Plump. And not pleasantly. Technically I have only ten more pounds of baby weight to lose, but I still feel huge. Not to mention I was overweight to begin with, so there's a lot more weight I would like to lose. I go through cycles of being content with having a different body now to being disgusted with the way I look. I am basically one giant stretch mark now. The only body parts without stretch marks are my feet (amazingly enough because they looked like somebody pumped them up with a bicycle pump) and my face. I have more chins than I ever have before and a belly that isn't just bigger than I want it to be, but that flops over. I do some exercising, but pregnancy has left my joints very stiff; I often still feel like I'm carrying the full 45 lbs. I gained, especially in my hips and knees. There's a fine balance between loving your body where it is now and striving for good health, and I have yet to find it.

Last Year
Surrounded. By the prayers and encouragement of so many people. It makes me really glad that I'm being open about this process. Although I'm sure others think I'm nuts because I'm being so open, it has made me feel loved and helps to know that so many people are praying. My coworkers and bosses have been particularly amazing and accommodating. My family has also been absolutely amazing.

This Year
Conflicted. I am over the moon with joy about God putting Cai in our life, and I want to shout it from the roof tops, but sometimes I feel guilty shouting so loudly, because I know there are women struggling like I did, some who feel like they have no hope. I try to remember that I was excited and happy for people I knew who went from struggling to having a baby, but I also don't want to flaunt my happiness. There's almost a feeling of guilt for feeling so happy and fulfilled. It's another area where I need to find balance. Which reminds me, Logan of With Great Expectation, whose blog posts I have shared here here before, made a post this week about the conflict between the difficulty of being a mom and feeling guilty because other people are desperate for even the hard parts. I can honestly say that being a mom hasn't been super difficult for me yet, but I really struggled with those feeling while I was pregnant, especially in the last trimester when I was still puking, itching all over, aching, etc. I did not enjoy that at all, and I wanted to, and did, complain, but I was still thankful. Again, it's a difficult balance.