Throwback...Friday?

I know it's supposed to be Throwback Thursday, but I'm not really on the ball this week. I've been helping out at VBS again, and I love it, but it wears me out even more than usually right now. If I had been on the ball, sharing this yesterday would have been perfect as it would have not only been Thursday, but exactly two years since I wrote the post below. I thought I'd share it again anyway though for encouragement for anyone still struggling through waiting and as a reminder to myself as to how we've made it to this point. It wasn't by my strength or Steve's or the doctor's and nurses' abilities, but because of the Lord and the Lord alone.

No Matter How You Feel, Trust God.

It's been awhile since I posted. Between vacation and the heat, I just haven't felt like putting together a post although I have about a million different things I want to post about. I decided to put together a quick post today though because I've been feeling so discouraged, and God was so clearly teaching me through VBS today.

The past couple days I've been feeling extremely discouraged over our battle with infertility. Without going into great detail, I will just say that for the past couple weeks, my hopes have been way up. There was evidence that the metformin was working, and other encouraging things had happened. My mind set was that if we didn't get pregnant this month, there was still hope for next month because my body had started to do what it was supposed to.

Not so much. The metformin either isn't doing what it's supposed to or just isn't doing it the way I expected to. And with no private adoption opportunities currently on our horizons, I've just gotten into that I'm-sick-and-tired-of-waiting-and-I-don't-know-if-I-can-handle-this-anymore slump.

Then I went to VBS today. Not at my home church, but at the church affiliated with the school where I work. Today's theme for the day was "No matter how you feel, trust God." The Bible story was about Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. I guess I never thought about Mary and Martha waiting from the view point of someone who is waiting. They waited past the point of hope. They had no hope left. And yet, God answered there prayer in a way other than what they expected.

The lyrics to the song we sang today also caught my attention.


My mind is spinning.
I'm all confused.
I'm feeling sad and afraid
and kind of angry too.
How can I be strong when everything is going wrong.
God give me strength and help me to find my way.
I've gotta think, think, think,
Think about the goodness of you,
My God.
Because I know, know, know
No matter how I feel
I gotta trust in you.
I wanna trust in you.

Never underestimate God's ability to speak to you through any situation.
Putting this knowledge into practice is a whole 'nother ball game though.

An Unexpected Source of Comfort

This week, unexpected hope has sprung up within me. I haven't been feeling very hopeful lately despite the fact that I've been having regular cycles.

But with that hope came impatience. I want a baby. I'm tired of waiting. And sometimes, the wait of these years (five in August) of waiting press on me, and I just lose it. I break down into tears that bring with them a physical pain in my heart and my gut. I actually feel like I can't breathe. Thankfully, today I was home alone when that happened because I lost it completely. It didn't last long, but it was messy.

And then comfort came in an unexpected form. My hyper puppy walked across the room put his paws up on my lap and snuggled me. As soon as I started to pet him, still crying, he put his paws on my shoulders and hugged me. I am aware of how much I sound like a ridiculous pet owner, and I'm laughing as I type this, but I'm not kidding when I say he hugged me. Paws on either shoulder, leaning on me, and a little tongue popping out to kiss my tears.

And then I laughed. Laughed at the reminder God gave me that I am loved. Love by the people, and the creatures, that he has put in my life with his great sense of provision. And loved by him with an everlasting love.

When my crying stopped, Finn laid on the floor in front of my couch and took a nap, just like normal. But that hug helped.

I know I sound a little silly, maybe even a little nuts, but I thought it was a story worth sharing.

The Waiting Place

Today is Read Across America Day, Dr. Seuss's birthday. Many of my students were out on a field trip today, so we took a break from the normal day to day activities and read some Dr. Suess books. Sure, they're a little too old for it most of the time, but sometimes they need a break from trying to be teenagers.

I read them Oh the Places You'll Go! and was struck by some of the lines in the book. It's funny how when you're going through something like infertility, everything seems to point back to it or make you think of it.
                                                           
Anyway, the lines that hit me are below. I guess I forgot that some things are inevitable as a grown up, like waiting.

                                        "You can get so confused
                                          That you'll start in to race
                                          Down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
                                          And grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
                                          Headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
                                                                            The Waiting Place...

                                          ...for people just waiting.
                                          Waiting for a train to go
                                          or a bus to come, or a plane to go
                                          or the mail to come, or the rain to go
                                          or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
                                          or waiting around for a Yes or a No
                                          or waiting for their hair to grow.
                                          Everyone is just waiting.

                                          Waiting for the fish to bite
                                          or waiting for wind to fly a kite
                                          or waiting around for Friday night
                                          or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
                                          or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
                                          or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
                                          or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
                                          Everyone is just waiting.

                          NO!
                          That's not for you!

                                        Somehow you'll escape
                                        All that waiting and staying.
                                        You'll find the bright places
                                        Where Boom Bands are playing."

I forget sometimes that waiting is a part of everybody's life. Sometimes I just feel like I've been in a perpetual state of waiting. Waiting for a normal cycle, waiting for test results, waiting for the opportunity to purchase better insurance,  and most of all waiting for a response from God. Scratch that last one. I've gotten many responses from God, most of them being, "Wait," "Trust," and "Pray." It's just not the response I want in the timing I want it.

When it comes down to it, my infertility issues really aren't insurmountable. My husband's infertility issues could have either been a one time deal, or, they could be medically insurmountable. We've chosen to wait on God rather than continuing to pursue medical "fixes," partly out of financial necessity and partly because we felt that was what we should have done in the first place. As soon as I found out that I had PCOS my response was, "Oh, the doctor can put me on clomid or glucophage and everything will be fine; I'll be pregnant by the end of the year." In actuality, our first response should have been to pray not to make a doctor's appointment.

Scripture tells me that when I delight in the Lord, He will give me the desires of my heart. I don't believe that this means that God will give me everything I want, although that's tempting. I believe that if I make the Lord the center of my life, delighting in him, then my desires will align with His desires. That's what I'm praying for right now, that if bearing our own child is not in His plan for me, that He would align my desires with His.

Unfortunately, none of this is easy.