Today is Read Across America Day, Dr. Seuss's birthday. Many of my students were out on a field trip today, so we took a break from the normal day to day activities and read some Dr. Suess books. Sure, they're a little too old for it most of the time, but sometimes they need a break from trying to be teenagers.
I read them Oh the Places You'll Go! and was struck by some of the lines in the book. It's funny how when you're going through something like infertility, everything seems to point back to it or make you think of it.
Anyway, the lines that hit me are below. I guess I forgot that some things are inevitable as a grown up, like waiting.
"You can get so confused
That you'll start in to race
Down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
And grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
Headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...
...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.
That's not for you!
Somehow you'll escape
All that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
Where Boom Bands are playing."
I forget sometimes that waiting is a part of everybody's life. Sometimes I just feel like I've been in a perpetual state of waiting. Waiting for a normal cycle, waiting for test results, waiting for the opportunity to purchase better insurance, and most of all waiting for a response from God. Scratch that last one. I've gotten many responses from God, most of them being, "Wait," "Trust," and "Pray." It's just not the response I want in the timing I want it.
When it comes down to it, my infertility issues really aren't insurmountable. My husband's infertility issues could have either been a one time deal, or, they could be medically insurmountable. We've chosen to wait on God rather than continuing to pursue medical "fixes," partly out of financial necessity and partly because we felt that was what we should have done in the first place. As soon as I found out that I had PCOS my response was, "Oh, the doctor can put me on clomid or glucophage and everything will be fine; I'll be pregnant by the end of the year." In actuality, our first response should have been to pray not to make a doctor's appointment.
Scripture tells me that when I delight in the Lord, He will give me the desires of my heart. I don't believe that this means that God will give me everything I want, although that's tempting. I believe that if I make the Lord the center of my life, delighting in him, then my desires will align with His desires. That's what I'm praying for right now, that if bearing our own child is not in His plan for me, that He would align my desires with His.
Unfortunately, none of this is easy.