Keeping My Toddler Busy: Painting

This activity was painting with a purpose. I want to redecorate our main bathroom to be a little more fun and kid friendly, and I wanted some artwork on the wall to go with my ideas. So Cai's job was to create it. 

Supplies: 

Paint- I used acrylic craft paint which meant I had to be more careful about him putting his fingers in his mouth, but you could use non toxic paints and finger paints.

Brush- optional. We started out with a foam brush, then switched to fingers

Pallete- I used the back of the lid for the container I keep my paints in. The nice thing about acrylic paint is that it peels off when it's dry.

Canvas- or paper. Hobby Lobby often had sales on canvas. I happened to already have one that I bought a while ago for another project.

Drop cloth: I cut a garbage bag open and laid it on the floor.

We used a little bit of every color.

 Cai started out with a foam brush.

 He very quickly ended up with some on his face.

 I got frustrated with the brush because he basically smeared it all and made brownish green paint, so we switched to using his finger.

I found it worked best to hold the canvas for him and help direct him to the unpainted areas. Of course, I'm planning on using the painting for something specific. If you were just doing this for fun, there would be no need to direct like I did.

I was really glad we did this on a wipeable floor, because at one point he stepped on the canvas and made a footprint on the floor.

 Our finished work.

 Our finished pallet, a work of art itself.

 Our workspace when we were done.

The babe. He had to stop and examine the first two spots of paint he got on himself. He quickly got over that. A bath followed. :)

Keeping My Toddler Busy: Sidewalk Chalk

This activity is pretty self explanatory. I bought Cai sidewalk chalk for his Easter basket, and he is just starting to be interested in using it. 

 As with every other coloring utensil, he gravitates toward the blue.

It's a great opportunity to teach colors!

Cai was in just a diaper because it was so hot out the day we did this. And, for the record, we still use cloth diapers, but I was behind on laundry the day with did this. :)

Keeping My Toddler Busy: Stringing Beads

 I've decided to do a series on the different activities I've been trying with Cai now that his attention span is longer. I'm determined to make sure we do some kind of activity at least three days a week this summer. I have a tendency to be a lazy mom, so it's important for me to force myself to try new activities with him. I'm all for independent playing and getting him to use his imagination, but I also want us to make memories doing things together. Besides, I love crafts!

The first activity we're sharing is simply stringing beads. Obviously this activity needs to be well supervised, lest your toddler stick a bead somewhere it doesn't belong (Cai likes to put them in his mouth and then spit them out).

Supplies:
Beads- I used pony beads and some beads I made myself a while ago out of polymer clay.
String- I recommend something with a stiff end, depending on your toddler's fine motor skills. I feel like Cai's are pretty good for an 18 month old, but I don't think he could have done this with just a piece of yarn. I used these.

Other than just handing him beads or putting letter beads in the right spot to spell his name, I didn't do much.

Sometimes I had to hold the string still for him.

Or help him shake the bead down past his fingers.

For the most part though, this was an activity he was able to do on his own after some help and some modeling.

He enjoyed wearing the finished result.

I'm pretty sure he was eating actual food here and not a bead. ;)

The nice/not nice thing about those elastic Silkies is that you can easily take the beads off and restring them. That means that if I need to keep Cai busy while he's wearing his necklace, I can let him take the beads off and do it all over again. That also means that when he was playing with his necklace while I was going to the bathroom the other day, all of the beads fell of and most are still on the floor in the hall. Sigh.

Also, "bead" is now added to his repertoire of words.

IVF vs. FET: Our Experience

As most of you know, we recently did a Frozen Embryo Transfer in an attempt to get pregnant again. Unfortunately, it didn't work, but I wanted to talk a little bit about the experience now since I didn't blog during.

I mainly wanted to talk about the differences because it was very similar to IVF in most ways.
The overall difference between the two procedures is that IVF starts from the very beginning. Meds are give to stimulate the ovarian follicles in order to be able to retrieve eggs. The eggs are then fertilized and different meds are given to prepare the body for pregnancy. With an FET, the embryos are already created, so there is no need for stimulation of the ovaries, it is all with the goal of preparing the body for pregnancy.

Meds:
Many of my meds were the same as during IVF (here too), but there were a few differences. This time I gave myself Lupron injections, estrogen (e2v) injections (instead of suppositories, my mom gave me these, because they're best in the tush), dexamethasone, an antibiotic, and progesterone suppositories.

The Lupron was an every day injection to prevent ovulation (I think). This was the same as IVF. The e2v is to thicken the lining of the uterus. Last time I had suppositories instead, and I think I started them later in the cycle. I got one injection in my butt twice a week.

You start out with this big scary needle to draw up the medicine. It's a thick liquid, so alarge needle is needed.

Then you switch to a smaller, yet still terrifying, needle, haha.

The dexamethasone was the same as last time. It's a low dose steroid that acts as an immune system suppresant, to keep my body from attacking the baby as a foreign body. The antibiotic and the progesterone were also the same.

For the most part, the side effects weren't as pronounced this time. I had some mild nausea off and on from the progesterone and estrogen I think. The main side effect I noticed was from the dexamethasone. It made me hungry and made me feel like my blood sugar dropped shortly after eating.

Weight

I worked really hard to lose weight before starting my FET and actually started at about a pound or two less than when we started the IVF. I lost thirteen pounds total. Unfortunately, between stress, the dexamethasone, and being on vacation with food everywhere, I gained back ALL THIRTEEN POUNDS during the two week weight. More on this in another post, because it's a major struggle right now. During IVF I only gained five pounds and most of it was bloating.

Emotions

It was bizarre emotionally this time. I felt less connected to the whole process. Maybe partly because I wasn't blogging about it, but mainly because I was so focused on Cai and generally less desperate. Not that I didn't want another baby as much, because I certainly did, but it didn't feel like life or death like it did with our first round because we already have Cai. With Cai I prayed CONSTANTLY and talked to the embryos constantly. This time I didn't have as much alone or quiet time, so it was a little different. I also spent more time getting massages and chiropractic adjustments last time. This time I didn't have the money to do that, so it wasn't really an option. I also struggled with feeling like I was being over confident this time because it worked the first time for us. 

Cost

According to Steve, the overall cost of IVF, start to finish, including testing, meds, and embryo storage fees, was about $20,000. The total cost of the FET this time was about $6000. 

The starting cost for an FET at our office was $4500 (I think the prices had just gone up, but I'm not sure). Meds were MUCH cheaper this time because there were fewer and because our insurance covered more of them. That was a huge blessing for us. Most of the additional costs were tests that I had done before starting, both through our fertility doctor and my PCP. I was concerned about possible thyroid issues and wanted to get that taken care of before starting. I was also taking some natural supplements to help prevent the preeclampsia and cholestasis I experienced while pregnant with Cai. In addition, there are a few procedures before the actual FET process starts that are not covered in the $4,500 total and were not covered by insurance. Also, the cost of storing our remaining embryos went up significantly. Before we do another FET I will have to undergo some testing in order to be sure that my body didn't do something to prevent implantation. I'm not sure what that entails, but I'm pretty sure insurance won't think it's necessary. 

For our IVF we pulled money our of Steve's 401k to pay the majority. We were also, as a couple, making about three or four times what we are now, haha, so we had more money available in general. For our FET we relied on gifts from friends and family (THANK YOU!), selling some things, and credit. I think that made it even harder when it failed.

If you'd like to help us with that cost and the cost of our next two transfers with our remaining embryos, Steve has started a Go Fund Me page for us so that you can do that.

To be honest, I have mixed feelings about doing another round. First of all, I want to lose weight again. More this time, if I can. Part of me can't wait to jump right in again, but another part of me is dreading going through all of the meds and appointments and uncertainty again. I so want more children though. We want Cai to have siblings. I pray daily for our last two little frozen embryos (as I did when there were four of them), and I can't wait to (this probably sounds weird out of context) have them inside me where my body can keep them safe, but I'm also afraid of what might happen again. 

Prayers would be greatly appreciated. Also, if you're going through this or thinking about going through this process, please feel free to reach out to me with questions or just to talk. Also, I'm in an awesome support group on Facebook called Baby Fever which I highly recommend, and its sister group Fertility Friends which is for women who have already conceived but have or are still struggling with infertility. Please let me know if you'd like an invitation!

Cai Alexander: 18 Months

I'm a little late here, but I definitely wanted to make an 18 month update. Cai changes so much every day, and I don't want to forget what he's like now.

At his 18 month well baby visit, Cai weighed 23 lbs 1 oz. and measured 33.5 inches tall. That puts him in the 15th percentile for weight (he was only in the tenth for his twelve and fifteen month visits) and the 80th for height. The receptionists were surprised at how tall he is. He did not enjoy his appointment at all. He cried when he was measured and weighed before the doctor even saw him. While we waited for her to come in, I explained to him all of the things she would do -- listen to his heart, press on his belly, look in his ears and mouth-- I even demonstrated for him. I reminded him that he was safe, that I would be with him the whole time, and that the doctor was only there to make sure he was healthy and safe. I have no idea how much he understood, but he nodded and whimpered. Until she came in, then he screamed again. I think his last appointment traumatized him; it was a sick visit, and she wanted to check his ears, but they were full of wax (he HATES when I touch his ears), so she had to use a tool to clean them out while I held him down. It was awful.

PERSONALITY
Generally though, Cai is very easy going. He is sometimes shy around new people, especially in small rooms, but I can usually get him to still be polite; shaking hands or waving hello at the very least.

He has very suddenly become more "boyish" if that makes sense. We hear lots of growling and grunting, see more climbing, and experience more tackling.

He's very silly and likes to hide and giggle while he waits to be found. His favorite places are under blankets and in his closet.

My favorite thing right now is how loving he is. He will come up to me in the middle of playing and kiss my leg or my arm. When I lay with him while he's falling asleep, he will sometimes roll over just to give me a kiss. Steve taught him how to do group hugs with Mama and Daddy quite a while ago, and he loves them. He's also very diplomatic, and usually when he kisses one family member, he has to kiss them all. Occassionally though, when he is angry, he will purposefully ignore a request for a kiss or a hug (he just kissed my knee while I typed that).

Cai LOVES his stuffed animals, particularly his three puppies which all happen to be black and white. He kisses them, feeds them, hugs them, squeals when he finds them, and usually sleeps with at least one of them.

It's so fun to see the way he uses his imagination. My mother-in-law recently bought him a box of toy food for his kitchen set (probably over $100 worth of mostly Melissa and Doug stuff for $10; it was awesome!), and he has spent a lot of time cooking and feeding us. The other day he put an egg and bacon in a frying pan, then walked around the living room looking for something and saying, "Hot." He finally found his toy pot holder, ran back over to the kitchen, and used it to get the egg out of the pan!

INTERESTS
Cai loves...

Stacking horses. Eek.

• Animals. All of them, but particularly dogs, elephants, horses, and birds.
• Stacking things...horses, blocks, plastic ice cream scoops, big legos.
• Finny, our dog, who he calls "Eee-ee." He likes to snuggle with Fin, kiss him, call him, pet him, and sometimes gets to rough with him.
• The color blue, which he can say and identify. Yesterday though, everything was blue.
• Coloring, mostly with a blue crayon.
• Climbing. On the table, over the back of the couch, on the high chair...
• Riding the lawn tractor.
• Cars, one of his first really clear words. Whenever we get out of our car, he yells, "car" and points to all of the cars he can see.
• Smelling flowers.
• Blowing out candles.
• Chocolate. This kid is a choco-holic like his mama. One day I had him trying out his little potty and told him he could have a piece of chocolate if he went pee-pee, so he did. Instantly.

TALKING/COMMUNICATION

At Cai's fifteen month check up his doctor made me a little nervous because she was mildly concerned that he wasn't really talking much. I think he could say "hat" and "hot", but not much else. The suggested milestone was 3-5 words. 

The suggested milestone for 18 months was 7-20 words, and he was saying about 25 then. He has added more now. The ones we hear the most often are...

First time walking on the beach.

• car 
• corn
• Daddy
• Bye (this is his clearest word)
• Hi
• Finny (ee-ee)
• blue
• hot
• hat
• eye (also very clear)
• ball
• balloon
• bottle (all three of those sound basically the same)
• book
• gone/all gone
• go
• water (wa)
• coffee (he said this one when he and Daddy brought me a cup on Mother's Day)
• boat (he learned this one on vacation)
• please (meeb)

Recently he has also tried saying "Aunt Katie" (ah day-ee) and "Holly" (hol). I was beginning to get a little jealous because he still wasn't saying "mama", but he finally said it this week (mam). He still really only says it if you ask him where as he calls Daddy a lot and even called Aunt Katie a few times this weekend.

Easter Sunday with one of his elephants.

He makes quite a few animal sounds. Not all of them are recognizable to anyone but family, but he makes them anyway. He makes sounds for dogs, cats, sheep (this one usually gets screamed for some reason), horses, frogs, fish, turtles (those last two are more of a tongue motion than a noise), ducks, cows, moose (his Uncle Jake taught him that one), giraffes (Uncle Jake and Aunt Katie can be thanked for that one too--it's a made up sound), snakes, bunnies (he sniffs), birds (he makes this sound every time he hears a bird. He even stops what he's doing and points to his ear, then tweets), elephants, dinosaurs, lions, and bears. 

SLEEP

Cai wakes between zero and three times a night, usually. Our bedtime/naptime routine usually takes about twenty minutes tops. I read him a book and a Bible story, we pray, and I sing him his lullaby, then lay with him until he falls asleep. He will also usually tell us that he wants to go to bed when we ask. I say usually for all of this though because sometimes he fights sleep tooth and nail. Most mornings he wakes between 5:30 and 6:30, I give him a bottle and lay with him, and he falls back to sleep until around 7:30 or 8:30. Once in a while he'll skip that wake up and sleep straight until 7:30.

Huggin his new baby cousin.

Steve and I are both loving the stage Cai is in now. It's so much fun to watch him learn and grow and try new things. I could write forever about all of things he can do and all of the things I love about it him, but I'll spare you. :)

Getting ready to sit on my lap while I mow the lawn. He lasts about five minutes before falling asleep.

Pulling a "Lady and the Tramp" with Finn

Come back on Monday to check out the new serious I'm starting "Keeping My Toddler Busy"!

On Mother's Day...

If you open Facebook today, you we will be bombarded by Mother's Day posts. From children honoring mothers to mothers thankful for children. As wonderful as it all is, I felt myself hesitant to post anything.

 Not that I don't enjoy Mother's Day; mine was wonderful, despite my mom recovering from surgery on the hospital. Steve let me sleep in and made me breakfast in bed. He and Cai made me a lovely card, an Cai proudly pointed to the part he colored. And Cai said coffee, haha! We visited my mom in the hospital, and I was treated to dinner at The Melting Pot. Watching my little chocoholic eat chocolate fondue was hilarious!

But I can't help but remember how I felt not too long ago, and even this year thinking about how I was hoping to announce a pregnancy. Or of friends who lost their moms. Or...you name the reason why Mother's Day is difficult for millions of people. Even as I listened to the message honoring mothers at church today, part of me was hearing it with my old ears.

So I thought I'd share this post from two years ago, again. And I want to emphasize the part about openness. Transparency has come up in many conversations lately. It is so important in relationships in general and the church specifically. We cannot expect people to be supportive, considerate, compassionate, understanding, prayerful, if they don't know what we're going through. If we keep our struggles private, we are denying ourselves all of that; we are denying our brothers and sisters in Christ the opportunity to fully love us; we are building walls between ourselves and those we love.

We are often taught that some things are meant to be private; infertility, depression, mental illness, grief, miscarriage, even the first trimester of pregnancy. To the point where I have actually been shamed by some for being so open about our struggle. 

I reject that! Talk about! You don't have to have  blog and proclaim it to the world (what can I say, I'm an open person), but talk to your friends! Ask for prayer! Ask for help! Let someone else in on your pain, or your joy! Allow yourself, and them, that gift!

Thoughts on Mother's Day after Infertility

Mother's Day is a day to honor your mother. To thank her for the sacrifices of love that she made for you. To pamper her a bit and allow her to enjoy a day that is about her and not every one else.

That being said, for the past five years or so it has been difficult for me not to think about myself on Mother's Day. I think any woman who cannot have children (but wants to) or who has lost children can relate to this feeling, whether she is the mother of miscarried children, adopted children that will never be hers, or dream children that have yet to exist. I know of so many women who are waiting for children adopted or biological (or even waiting for a husband first and the children to follow). I know of so many women who have stopped waiting and have learned to live without children for various reasons. For us Mother's Day brings pain.

Mother's Day is a reminder of what we don't have, can't have. We hear constantly about what a gift motherhood is, what a beautiful sacrifice. I recently read a quote on Pinterest that said something to the extent of "People who have not had children cannot truly know love." Now, whether or not that quote is accurate or not can, I'm sure, be hotly debated on both sides, but that's not my point. My point is that that is how I have felt over the past five and half years, most of the time, but especially on Mother's Day. Mother's Day has left me feeling empty, wondering if I will ever get to experience this wonder that others enjoy so much.

For awhile, I went through a period where every Sunday in church was painful. There were two reasons for this. First, I attended a church that was burgeoning with growing families with new additions, it seemed like, every week. This deepened my sense of loss. Second, every Sunday it seemed the Lord would bring me to my knees reminding me to turn to him when I felt this deep sense of loss. Either way, I cried every Sunday, and Mother's Day was worse. This weekend a friend shared a link on Facebook that also talked about the pain of Mother's Day, specifically at church. It recognizes the pain that SO MANY women experience on Mother's Day.

So, okay, I've established that Mother's Day can be painful, not just for me, but for anyone who is experiencing that sense of loss, but what's my point? Do I think we should stop honoring our mothers? Of course not. The fact that they should be honored and deserve to be honored is part of the very reason Mother's Day is difficult for me. Am I even proposing change or just rambling? I don't really know. I guess I'm proposing first, that we be aware.Aware of the pain others may be experiencing. Aware of the broad spectrum of mothers that are out there. I'm also proposing, second, that we be more open. I think we can all agree that I am QUITE open (some argue more than I should be) about what I've been going through for the past several years, and I think that it has helped others to know how to love me and other people going through similar experiences to me, better. Openness, especially within a family of believers can allow us all to love each other better. If I do not know that you are going through a painful experience, no matter what the type, I will not necessarily know how to better love you through it. Third, I'm proposing that we go out of our way to thank those who are mothers in an nontraditional form. The people who mother our children at school, in Sunday school, at sports practices. The godmothers and mentors and encouragers. Those who love unconditionally and unreservedly because they choose too. I can think of so many people who have "mothered" me who are not my mother, but who deserve the gratitude that a mother receives. Shame on me for not thanking them earlier.

All of this being said, I am feeling almost a sense of guilt because this year on Mother's Day, I'm not in mourning. Instead I am rejoicing for the experiences to come and the gift I have been given. I am thankful for the sacrifices of vomit I have been able to make over and over again the past two months. But I'm also feeling guilty, although I don't know if "guilty" is exactly the word I'm looking for. I know so many people who are still stuck in this realm of pain, and I don't deserve this joy any more than they do. It's a strange feeling to so quickly be on the other side of this. In a post earlier this year, I argued that even  "even if you've been through it [infertility] in the past, you can no longer understand it." and I am already feeling that loss of connection. And, as much as I have hated dealing with infertility, it has repeatedly forced me draw closer and closer to the Lord. I know that pregnancy and motherhood have a way of doing that also, but in a different way than  what I've known already.

I'm sorry if this post seems a little all over the place, but I've been trying to sort out my thoughts during this new stage of life while still remembering from where I've come, and Mother's Day seemed as good a time as any to do so. Also, as a disclaimer of sorts, this post is in no way suggesting that every woman without children does or should feel this way. I also know so many women who are not now, and feel they may never be, called to have children, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I know that they are sometimes made to feel a whole different type of guilt, and that is in no way my intent.

On Being Painfully Aware of Infertility

First off, some disclaimers before I begin this post.
 1. I'm posting from my phone, so auto correct may bite me in the tushy quite a bit.
2. I may be a bit all over the place, and if so, I apologize.

Last week was National Infertility Awareness Week. I waited to post because, honestly, I was hoping to find out today that I was pregnant. I know I blogged through our first IVF experience, but I decided not to blog until after our Frozen Embryo Transfer because I wanted to keep it more private.  I do pave to go make some posts about the process and how it was different than our fresh transfer, but today I want to talk about other things.

Namely, infertility sucks. It never stops sucking. Today I got a call from our doctor telling us that my pregnancy test was negative. We transferred two embryos, two babies, and neither one implanted. This is worse than just a negative home test. It's not just and, "Oh, I didn't get pregnant this month." I KNEW there were two babies in my body. Two babies who I have been praying for for the last two years since they were created. And now they're gone. I'll never get to know them. I was never even actually pregnant with them. We created them and then my body failed them (I know that's a dramatic way of looking at it, but I'm feeling dramatic right now).

We spent over $5000 this time (far less than on Cai, but we make far less now than we did then). Five thousand that we scraped together through selling things and the generosity of some wonderful friends and family as well as our credit card. In fact, bills are still rolling in, and we're pretty broke. Which also means, we can't try again for a while. We have two embryos remaining, and they are even better quality than any of the others were, including Cai, but we're going to have to wait to save all over again.

Now I need to stop and pull back (I warned you that this would be all over the place), because right now I sound whiney and miserable, which I am at the moment, but I'm also still aware of all that I have to be thankful for. When I burst into tears this afternoon, I was met with hugs from my two favorite men; Steve and Cai. And if we never have any more children, that will be okay because I have both of them. And those hugs were followed by many texts and emails from friends and family who were praying for us today.

And I know my God is there. I know that his steadfast love endures forever. I know that He will hold me with His righteous right hand. I know that he has a plan for our family.

So infertility sucks. It's effing awful. And it always will be. But the love we've seen through it, the love we've grown through it, definitely doesn't suck.

And I know that for the next little while I'm going to bounce back and forth between sadness and resignation, anger and fear, longing and contenment. It's going to be hard.

On my way to my blood test this morning, I told the Lord that this time, I didn't feel as selfish as I did wanting Cai. I mean, I had unselfish reasons then too, but it was mostly just that I wanted a baby. But this time, it was more that; we just have more love to share. We love Cai so much, and enjoy loving him, and we just want to share that with more children.

And now this post sounds like I'm fishing for sympathy, but I'm not. I need to process the whole thing, and this helped, but I also want to help others process it, because I know I'm not the only one out there who has gone through this.

Thanks for the love and support, friends. Spoken and unspoken. We feel it. Both of us.